Marked Chapter 18 - Honestly OK

EPOV

"Edward!"

I turned my head, trying to find the source of Kate's voice, but there were just too many people around. She called my name again, and this time I saw her, my face breaking out into a grin at the sight of her. She had her camera hanging around her neck, waving frantically at me as I made my way over. Her hair was up in a ponytail, and she was wearing dress-jeans and a burgundy button down – her usual work-attire.

When I finally made my way to her – having to try to navigate around the sea of people that all appeared to be going in the opposite direction I was – she pushed her camera out of the way and gave me a one-armed hug as she asked how my flight was.

"Fine. Smooth ride all the way home." I nodded to the camera and smiled. "Taking candids?"

She grinned. "Yeah, for a project, actually."

I quirked my brow in question, and she filled me in as we walked to her car, telling me about the book cover she had been hired to put together. Apparently she had been given a scenario from the book – which she wasn't allowed to tell me much about – that included an airport scene, so she figured she might as well kill two birds with one stone. Or, in this case, three birds, since she had to drop off Garrett earlier, as well.

The trip home went by quickly – too quickly, in a way. I'd missed Kate, and I was enjoying spending some time with her, but she said she still had to get to her studio and do some work. She helped me carry my luggage inside and gave me a big hug, kissing me on the cheek as she said, "Call me later this week? I want to hear about everyone."

I tugged lightly on her ponytail and grinned. "Sure thing. Thanks for picking me up, Kate; I appreciate it."

"Any time. Alright, gotta run." Pecking me on the cheek again, she ran out the door and called back over her shoulder, "It's good to have you home again, Edward."

I waved at her, watching her drive off as I leaned against the doorway. I stood for a moment as a feeling of unease settled on me. It wasn't cold by any means, though it was around fifteen degrees cooler than Nashville, but I wasn't sure that was the reason for the shiver running down my spine, forcing me in motion. I closed the door and went about the business of getting my laundry done and my clothes put away where they belonged.

I tried not to think about how off things had felt on Sunday. After I had sent Jasper a text asking to see him today, I had fallen asleep again. By the time I woke up hours later, there was a message waiting from him, simply reading, "Please." I had called him but gotten his voicemail – again. He sent a text back a few minutes later, saying he was sorry he missed my call and that he was hungover. Given the time his first text had been sent, it was easy to believe it, especially considering I wasn't feeling totally myself after going out Saturday, either. Still...something just didn't feel quite...right, and I couldn't put my finger on it. I asked him if he was okay, hangover aside, and he assured me he was. In the end, I'd just chalked it up to being homesick for him, soothing myself with the reminder that I'd be back in Boston soon, and I had gone downstairs to try to enjoy my last day with my family.

Now that I was home, though, all I wanted was to see him, to know he was okay – that we were okay. Part of me regretted turning down his offer to pick me up, but I pushed that aside. I really didn't want him to have to add that much pressure on himself just because we wanted to see each other right away. I could be patient a little while longer. He had said he'd stop by as soon as he was done with work today, and a glance at the clock told me that it would be another three hours before he'd be here.

Once my laundry was started and everything else was back where it belonged, I decided to try to do some work to pass the time. It was difficult to concentrate, but I managed to make some headway before the timer I had set went off. I hadn't gone shopping for groceries yet, but I wanted to have food ready for when Jasper arrived – not that I was sure we'd even get around to eating once he was here. I had missed him, missed being with him, so much – and I thought he had missed me, too. At least, I hoped he had.

As I looked through the various take-out menus, trying to decide what to get, I tried to forget about all my worries. He would be here soon enough, and I was certain that once I saw him again, it wouldn't matter anymore. In the end, I ordered a large Meat Lovers pizza – I'd barely been able to contain my smirk and place the order without comment. Meat lover, indeed.

The pizza arrived before Jasper did, so I put it in the kitchen. I felt restless and considered opening a bottle of wine and having a glass to settle my nerves before tossing the idea aside. Something told me alcohol would not be a good idea tonight. I opened the fridge and stared aimlessly at the scant contents for a minute, as if it held the answers to my questions. The doorbell saved me from going too crazy, and I hurried to answer it.

My stomach felt as if a swarm of butterflies had been released in it, and I scoffed at myself for being so ridiculously nervous. You'd think we hadn't been fooling around for the past couple of months, and this was our first date again. I was excited to see him, though – nervous, but excited.

My hand was on the door handle, and I took a couple of deep breaths, trying to calm myself down before facing him. I saw his silhouette shift from side to side, and it made me smile to think that he was as anxious to see me as I was him. That thought was enough to center me. I opened the door with a smile and breathed out, "Jasper."

Before I could do so much as blink, he had his hands on my face – his hold almost too tight – his eyes dancing between mine with an expression I had no time to figure out, because his mouth was on mine barely a moment later. My hands went to his sides as my eyes closed reflexively, returning his kiss hungrily.

He never released his hold on my face, and it took me a few seconds for that to filter through my thoughts. Normally, his hands were everywhere, roaming my body, claiming me – but he was holding my face in place, anchoring me to him in a way he had never done before.

It took me another couple of seconds to register that this kiss was different than any we had ever shared, too. We'd had our fair share of heated kisses, moments where it was pure hunger for the other driving us – passionate kisses that we needed as much as we needed air to breathe. But this...this kiss was frantic, a hunger of a different kind; it was...desperate. And it filled me with dread, rather than lust.

I lifted my hands to his, trying to pry them from my face, but he just held on tighter, pushing me until my back was against the wall in between the doors and his body was pressed firmly against mine. I frowned, opening my eyes to try to see him, but he was too close. I put my hands on his face and coaxed his head back. The instant our lips lost contact, his hands fell to his sides before he crossed his arms over his chest; Jasper seemed to almost fold in on himself. The fear that had been gnawing at me since last week – that I had managed to push away up until now – came back full force, twisting knots in my stomach as I tried to figure out what the hell had happened to him.

He had closed his eyes when I pulled him from me – I took a few moments to get my breathing under control as I watched him. His breathing was irregular, and from where my fingertips were resting against his pulse point, I could feel his heart racing.

My thumbs brushed his cheeks gently, hoping to soothe him as everything pointed to him being very upset, for whatever reason. I hated seeing him like this – I felt helpless. "Jasper?"

He flinched, but otherwise gave no reaction. I sighed, searching his face for any telltale signs, any marks or bruises to indicate his possibly having been in a fight with James. That was the worst scenario my brain could come up with in that moment, as I was sure that that would not have gone over well with Emily. Seeing none, I frowned and stepped around him so I could close the door. When I turned back to him, I caught his eyes briefly before he turned his face away from me. What shocked me was the look of pain I thought I had seen in them, and I again wondered what the hell had happened while I was gone.

I knew I shouldn't have left him. If something happened with Emily...I don't know what else would have him this upset...

When he still didn't say anything, I took his face between my hands. He didn't look up, so I gently turned his face to mine, pressing our lips together softly. As I pulled away, I ran my fingers through the waves at the nape of his neck and whispered, "Jazz, baby...please talk to me. What happened? Whatever it is, let me help you..."

I was surprised to see his face screw up like he was going to cry before he regained control of himself, taking a long, deep breath. He exhaled shakily, and I felt my stomach knot. I was sure - absolutely positive - that I did not want to hear whatever he had to say. Something deep within me suddenly screamed that this wasn't about Emily. I had no idea what it could be, but I knew without a doubt that it was about...us.

Jazz, don't...

I swallowed, not even able to finish the thought. I didn't know what I was silently asking him for, but I hoped he heard me.

"Edward, I..." His voice was husky and hoarse, and he trailed off, swallowing thickly as he watched me. His eyes were tormented and flickering all over my face as he licked his lips. He opened his mouth again, but no sound came out.

I turned us, pressing Jasper against the wall now as I kissed him deeply, trying to let him feel what I felt for him. His desperation was seeping into me, making me feel something close to despair as I tried to understand. He returned my kiss with fervor, his arms wrapping tightly around my waist as his lips moved passionately against mine.

Abruptly, his hands moved to my hips, and he pushed me away with a breathless, "Oh, god..." His forehead was pressed against mine before he slowly lifted his head, gradually revealing his blue eyes. "I can't," he whispered.

"You can't what?" My voice sounded hollow to my ears.

He didn't answer. He watched me for a moment longer and then said, "Can we talk?"

"Of course," was all I could say. It didn't escape me that he wasn't calling me by any of the silly names that usually spilled from his lips. I wasn't "baby" or "darlin'" or even the ridiculous "princess." I was just Edward.

He turned around and walked into my den, where he sat on his end of the couch. I was on edge, unsure where this was going, so I headed to the armchair. He didn't look at me as I moved. He stared straight ahead, his eyes focused on the corner of the coffee table.

I endured the silence as long as I could before shifting and clearing my throat. I couldn't take it anymore. Knowing had to be better than this uncertainty. His eyes shifted to my face then, and he blinked several times before tangling his fingers in his hair and tugging. I wanted to reach out, pull his hand away, and hold it. I wanted to reassure him and soothe him.

But I did nothing.

"God, there's no good way to say this..." he muttered under his breath at last, scrubbing his face with his hands. He rested his elbows on his knees and propped his forehead against his palms, speaking to the floor. "Edward, I have to tell you something, and you may fucking hate me, and I...I wouldn't blame you." He broke off, his shoulders shuddering once. He raised his head and turned his face to mine, but his eyes were trained somewhere to the right of me.

When he spoke again, his lips barely moved, and his voice was just above a whisper. He seemed to have to force each word out. "I was a fucking wreck last week. I missed you more than I thought I would...more than..." He shook his head. "Doesn't fucking matter..." He sighed.

Finally, his eyes - swimming with pain and regret - met mine. "Saturday night, I couldn't take it anymore. I went out to the Cask, and...and I ran into this guy I know..."

No. Just don't...please...

I pleaded with him wordlessly, not wanting to hear what I feared was coming.

"I was thinking of you...I swear I was. But he kissed me, and I...I kissed him back."

I just stared at him, unwilling and unable to believe what I had just heard. Neither of us said anything for a while, and before long, Jasper's eyes lowered and closed; I could see his lips moving, but no sound came out – or if it did, I wasn't in any state to hear it. My mind felt blank, buzzing with white noise. It wasn't until he met my gaze again that something clicked and I was able to think again – if you could call hearing his last words on a loop thinking. I kissed him back...

The knots in my stomach suddenly felt like they solidified and became lead, a pressing weight that sat in my stomach, against my heart.

How could he... Why? Saturday? Oh God...that's why I couldn't reach him?

I swallowed thickly, trying to push away the sickening feeling that threatened to overcome me. I remembered the talk with Emmett, my resolve to talk to Jasper about everything, my hope that it wouldn't be too late...and now this?

I opened my mouth, but no words would come – I didn't know what to say, and at the same time there was so much I wanted to say. I wanted to scream at him, ask him if what we had truly meant so little to him that he had to kiss another guy not two days before I was coming home. I wanted to ask him how he could kiss another, while claiming to be thinking of me. How could he be so callous? And how dare he come here now and kiss me the way he had as soon as he'd seen me?

But nothing would come out. I swallowed again and turned my face away, staring at the painting of my parents and me without really seeing it. My brow furrowed as I recalled our conversation on Friday, how much it had stung to hear the disbelief in his voice when he'd asked if I really had missed him.

I flinched when I felt Jasper's hands on my thighs – I hadn't noticed him moving. I turned back to face him, finding him kneeling in front of me with a look of regret, pain, and worry in his glistening eyes. His lips were still moving, and slowly his words began to penetrate my thoughts – he was rambling.

"...please, Edward...I'm so sorry. I was drunk...stupid. I know it's no excuse. Please, baby..."

I frowned, my eyes flickering between his as I realized that what I had worried about with Alistair when he was away from me had come to truth...with Jasper. Why had he told me? Why had he done it to begin with? Why did it matter what his reason was?

Jasper continued his pleading, soft spoken whispers asking me to forgive him, to listen, to let him make amends.

How?

My mind felt like it was overloading with contradicting thoughts, while my heart just...hurt. I hurt for myself, but also because I could see that he was hurting - and right at that moment, the idea that he was, and that it affected me as much as it did, made me mad. I couldn't deal with this right now; I needed time to get my head straight, to sort through everything. My voice was raspy with emotion, but at the same time it felt flat when I spoke. "Jasper...I think you need to leave... I-I can't deal with this right now. I need...time."

He started shaking his head, uttering more pleas as he rested his forehead on my knee – I ached to run my fingers through his hair, to comfort him...but I couldn't. I couldn't give what I didn't have myself. I couldn't take listening to him anymore.

"Please, just...go."

He looked up at me, and I could see the despair, the fear in his eyes. He swallowed hard several times before finally croaking out, "Emily..?"

I closed my eyes, taking a deep breath. I wanted to scream, ask him why the hell he would do this when we were doing so well. It wasn't just the two of us, either. I was close to his sister now as well, and the thought of disappointing her stung. "I'll call you before Saturday to let you know. I just can't...just...please leave. I need to be alone."

He nodded, slowly getting to his feet. I could hear his breathing, which was still erratic, and he reached his hand out as if to cup my cheek, but I moved back slightly. His hand fluttered briefly for a moment before I heard him whisper again, "I'm so sorry..." and he left.

I stayed in my seat, unmoving, for countless moments, unable to process what had just happened. My mind went back to the conversation Kate and I had had over Labor Day weekend.

"Is he worth it?"

"Worth…what?"

"All of it. The questions, the uncertainty…the possible heartbreak. Is he worth it?"

"He's worth it."

"Good, I'm glad you know he is…now you just have to make sure you remember it."

"What do you mean?"

"I think he might fuck up. Maybe a few times. You just have to remember that he's worth it."

With my elbows on my knees, I leaned forward and put my face in my hands, trying to block the images of Jasper kissing some faceless guy that swirled in my head. I tried to hold onto Kate's advice, but it kept slipping away, dissolving every time I thought of Jasper's words.

How could he say he was thinking of me? How is that even right?

And then I remembered the way he had reacted when he saw me and Garrett, and again when Seth and Embry had stopped by, and all I could feel was angry indignation. He had thought I was going behind his back, had believed me capable of cheating on him...and then he turned around and did exactly that.

I slammed my palm down on armrest and yelled into my empty house, "Goddamnit, Jasper! Why? Why would you do something like that?"

I took a shuddering breath and closed my eyes as I added quietly, "Was I that wrong about you? About us?"

A small part of my brain tried to argue for him, telling me it was just a kiss, that we had never once talked about being exclusive, that we had no real claim on each other... all of which just served to piss me off even more. I didn't want to defend him, didn't want to be rational. It might have been "just" a kiss, but it was so much more than that. It was trust and faith, and his actions had broken both, leaving me feeling like I hadn't been enough – fearing that I might never be.

It hurt.

I got up, needing to do...something. Anything to keep my mind from constantly revisiting Alistair and wondering if that had been why he had never wanted more with me – because I hadn't been enough. It had been something that always lurked in the background, more so after we broke up – something I had pushed away because I couldn't believe that was the case. I had loved him too much, and I knew he had cared for me, too.

When Jasper had come into the picture, it didn't seem to be anything I needed to think about anymore. He was always so passionate, so confident – even with all the quirks he had shown, all the other doubts I'd had about him, the question of being enough never really entered my mind because he had always been so eager for me.

But now...

I found myself in the kitchen without having made any conscious choice to go there. Looking around aimlessly, my eyes fell on the pizza I had ordered. With a sigh, I picked it up and put it in the fridge for later – I certainly wasn't hungry anymore. If anything, I felt slightly nauseated.

I stared out of the window as I leaned against the counter, my mind's eye replaying the day of the barbeque. I couldn't wrap my mind around how hurt he had been by the mere thought of me being with another man, only to have him kiss someone else. How could he do that? How could he possibly think...?

Shaking my head, I walked to the front door, locking it before wandering aimlessly through my house. Everywhere I looked, I saw Jasper. I had let him in completely – a tiny part of my brain, which sounded eerily like Emmett, reminded me that I hadn't; I hadn't told him exactly how I felt – and now I found I couldn't escape him.

I ran my fingers through my hair, tugging at the ends in a vain attempt to stop the onslaught of images – all of Jasper, of every moment between us - every kiss, every touch we had shared. Part of me wanted to call Kate, but the memory of our conversation stopped me. I couldn't face any I told you so's, whether she uttered the words or not.

"Fuck!"

I wasn't up for going anywhere – I didn't want to talk to anyone or see anyone. I couldn't handle seeing the happiness my friends shared right now. I felt more alone at that moment than I had back before Jasper had entered my life, and that realization twisted my stomach into further knots.

In the end, I went to the only place where Jasper hadn't left any ghosts – Kate's room. It was still very early, but I was suddenly tired – exhausted from all the emotions that were stirring through me. I slipped under the covers – still fully clothed – and hugged one of her pillows to my chest. It was the closest I could allow myself to be to her right now – I needed her, needed someone, but it would have to wait. Today, I was simply done, and after staring at the wall for God only knows how long, I finally fell asleep.

I was woken up the next morning by the sound of my phone ringing. I looked around in confusion for a moment before everything crashed down on me. The phone had stopped ringing, and I was grateful. I wasn't in the mood to deal with anyone, anyway; I wanted to be left alone. Whoever was trying to reach me didn't get that memo, though, as the phone started ringing again. I struggled with the covers for a moment as I fished around for it, since it had slipped out of my pocket during the night.

I glanced at the caller ID and groaned when I saw the screen light up with the number for Jasper's work. I really didn't want to talk to him, to have to listen to his excuses and apologies. Even so, I couldn't help feeling a desperate need to hear his voice, to somehow see if he would tell me this was all a horrible mistake and none of it had been real. Before I could stop myself, I answered the call, my free hand tangled in my hair, my voice tired and wan.

"Jasper, I told you I would call. Please...I really don't want to talk to you right now...Just give me some time..."

I heard a faint rustling of papers in the background, and for a second I wondered if he was sketching. A vaguely familiar voice startled me before I could get angry with myself for even caring – or for answering the phone to begin with. "Edward, it's Mike."

I frowned, trying to think of a reason why he, of all people, would be calling me – from Jasper's phone, no less. At least, I assumed it was his phone.

"Mike? Why..?"

He sighed, and I could hear the creak of his chair as he presumably sat back. "Edward, man, we need to talk...Can I stop by your place after work? I'll bring some pizza or something."

"I don't know what we have to talk about, Mike."

I shifted so I lay on my back, hugging Kate's pillow to my chest again. I heard him clear his throat, and then he said, "Look, I know what happened, E."

"I don't think that's any of your business, Mike."

My tone was flat, even a little hostile. I didn't want to talk about this, least of all with Jasper's best friend. It wasn't anyone's business but our own, and I resented Mike for trying to make excuses for Jasper.

He gave a short huff. "You're right; it probably isn't any of my business. But if I'm right about how you feel about my boy – and judging by the fact that you answered this call, even though you obviously recognized the number, I am right about it – then what I have to tell you is most definitely your business."

He paused, letting me absorb his words before he continued, "Listen, Edward. I know you don't know me, really. You met me all of three times, and you have no reason to trust anything I say. But I know Jasper, and I can see how much the two of you care about one another."

I couldn't help it, I snorted. He ignored it, though. "Like I said, E. I know my boy, and I know him well enough to know he probably didn't tell you a damn thing about what happened to him before you came in the picture. Am I right?"

I sat, scooting up until my back hit the headboard, Kate's pillow still clutched to my chest as I made an affirmative sound. Mike sighed. "You need to hear what I have to say, Edward, before you make any decisions one way or the other about what happens next between you two. You'll regret it, if you don't."

Resting my head against the wall, I raised my eyes to the ceiling and sighed. I wasn't sure what to make of any of this, but something told me Mike was right. I would regret it for the rest of my life if I didn't at least hear what he had to say. I cleared my throat lightly and nodded, even though Mike couldn't see it. "Fine...stop by after work. Do you have my address?"

Mike gave a quiet snort of his own, and I could hear a tapping noise. "Yeah, Jasper still had your business card tucked into the side of his desk pad. I know where it is."

Well that explained how Mike had gotten my number, at least. Mike excused himself, saying he needed to get back to work and that he'd see me tonight. After he hung up, I stared at the phone as I cradled it in my lap. I couldn't help but wonder what Mike could possibly say that would make any difference. Jasper had kissed another guy. End of story.

With a huff, I got up and stripped Kate's bed, putting clean sheets on it before grabbing the pile of dirty sheets and taking them down to the basement. I started the laundry and briefly contemplated making myself something to eat. The thought of food sent my stomach roiling, and not in a good way. I made some coffee instead, which probably wasn't my wisest decision, but I was beyond the point of caring at the moment.

Coffee cup in hand, I made my way to my laptop and sat down behind my desk. I grimaced when I saw the background once it was booted up and quickly changed it to some generic landscape that came with the computer. I couldn't look at him right then, and I didn't want to think about any of it. I needed a few moments of peace – relative as that might be – to just focus on something else. I knew that if I let myself dwell on Jasper, I would be too upset to deal with Mike that night, and what he had said about regretting it if I didn't hear what he needed me to hear had me just curious enough to want to be as open as possible.

Oh, who the fuck do you think you're kidding, Masen? You want to hear what he has to say because you want him to make you believe in Jasper's excuses, whatever they are.

I groaned, clenching my eyes shut for a moment until I could gather my thoughts and push Jasper into the background. I had to – if I didn't, I would end up calling Mike back and telling him to forget it. And I didn't really want to. So, with a long pull from my still-too-hot coffee, I opened up the programs I needed and began doing some more work on my book, using the pictures I had taken back in Memphis.

I surprised myself by being able to work steadily for the next several hours, only getting up to refill my coffee and to switch the laundry from the washer to the dryer. By the time lunch rolled around, I was starving and finally not just needing food, but wanting it, so I grabbed a couple of slices of pizza and a bottle of water. I leaned against the counter, standing next to the window as I gazed out at my garden. I didn't feel like sitting down, and I was beginning to feel restless, so as soon as I was done eating, I set about cleaning the house's ground floor – dusting, vacuuming, even washing all the downstairs windows inside and out. They were menial tasks aimed to keep me busy enough to not think too much.

It worked, because I had just put the vacuum cleaner away when the doorbell rang. A glance at the clock told me it would likely be Mike, so with a sigh, I went to let him in. He held out a sack and a six-pack of Sam Adams as he adjusted a messenger bag hanging from his shoulder. "I bring food, beer, and...well...me."

He shrugged, grinning slightly as I waved him in, taking the sack from him. I peered inside as the smell of burgers and fries hit my nose. I glanced up at him with a raised eyebrow, and he chuckled. "I wasn't in the mood for pizza; figured burgers and fries were the next best greasy comfort foods for take out. Besides..." He wrinkled his nose a little. "Jess is on a health kick lately, and I've been dying for a good burger."

I laughed at that; I could well imagine Jessica trying to get him to eat better and giving him a hard time about it – even after having met her only that one time. "Burgers, fries, and beer. Works for me. This way."

I led him out to the kitchen and pointed to the bar, where he sat down as I grabbed napkins and plates. Putting the rest of the beer in the fridge, I took out some condiments and placed them between us as I took my seat across from him. We ate in silence while I tried not to think about why he was here – I was afraid that if I did, my stomach would revolt.

Mike wiped his mouth and hands before taking a long pull from his beer, his eyes on me – as they had been throughout most of our meal. We still hadn't said a word when I went to clear everything away, grabbing another couple of beers and gesturing for him to follow me to the den. I had a feeling that he would be here for a while, and that I would want to be somewhere comfortable. He followed me, took one of the beers and sat down on Jasper's end of the couch. That thought made me flinch a little, but I shook it off, taking my usual seat on the couch – turning to face him as I pulled one leg up under me, my elbow resting against the backrest and my fingers knotted in my hair.

I cleared my throat lightly, starting to feel uncomfortable. "Thanks for the food, Mike."

He nodded, taking a swig of his beer. "You're welcome. Least I could do for invading your home like this." He sighed, running his fingers through his hair as he sat back against the armrest, largely mimicking my posture as he faced me. "Look, Edward...for what it's worth, I'm really sorry this happened."

I held up my hand, shaking my head. "Don't, please. You said you had something you needed to say...something I needed to hear."

He nodded and shifted in his seat so that he could rest his elbows on his knees, his hands clasped in front of him. He looked down at them as he said, "Edward...just how much do you know about Jasper?"

He looked up at me, and I could tell that he didn't just mean, "What did Jasper tell you?" – which was precious little – but that he wanted to know what I had figured out for myself. I took a deep breath, closing my eyes as I told him, in general terms, at least, what Jasper had shared – sparing the details, since I didn't think he would want to know about who did what to whom in bed, or why. I sure as hell wouldn't want to know about him and Jess, anyway. I told him that I had figured out that it was Paul who had hurt him to the point of being skittish, holding back instead of moving forward, but that I didn't know exactly why or how.

As I spoke, I realized I actually knew very little about his past, and that bothered me – then again, I hadn't told him about Alistair, either. When I finished, Mike sat quietly for a moment, his brow furrowed as he seemed to collect his thoughts. He shook his head with a sigh and looked at me. "Well, you're right about the root of this being Paul. Jasper should have told you himself..." He sighed heavily again and continued, "I'm not going to give you all the details...that really is something Jasper needs to do. But you deserve to know, especially considering what happened."

I pulled both my legs up to my chest, wrapping my arms around them even as I held on to my bottle of beer, sipping from it occasionally. A funny feeling was beginning to form in my stomach – one I couldn't put a name to. Yet, anyway.

Mike ran his fingers through his hair again, his eyes on mine as he spoke. "When I first met Jasper, he was very different from the guy he is now – you wouldn't recognize him. He was withdrawn, shy, very quiet. He had just moved to Boston, and we had a couple of the same classes. We ended up in a study group together, but he never mingled. He was always either studying or hurrying home. He barely spoke to anyone on campus – whenever our group met, he was anxious, and everything had to be finished on time. He always left by the time the group was supposed to end. He never stayed late, never hung out with any of us. I tried to get to know him better, like I did with all the guys in our group, but he was the only one I couldn't get through to. Or so I thought."

He took a deep breath, letting it out slowly, and the look in his eyes told me he was remembering it all. "Over the period of a few weeks, I noticed he started looking a little thin – you've seen him; it doesn't take a lot for the man to start looking gaunt."

I nodded, but stayed quiet. He frowned.

"Anyway...there were a few times where I thought I saw marks on him, but when I'd ask him if he was okay, he'd quickly cover up or leave or...something. Always some lame ass excuse. And then one night, out of the blue, I got a phone call. It was Jasper, and I had never heard him as upset, as quiet, as I did that time. It was actually a little scary, to be honest."

He cleared his throat, shaking his head as if to rid himself of an image. "He needed a place to stay and didn't know anyone in Boston. Paul had kicked him to the curb. Literally."

He gave me a sharp look then, and my eyes narrowed as his words sunk in. I could feel anger welling up in me again at the thought of anyone hurting Jasper in the way Mike was hinting at. I felt my jaw clench, but I remained quiet, and after a moment Mike went on.

"Jasper was a mess, Edward. He'll have to tell you everything that went down between them himself; that's not my story to tell, and to be honest, I'm not even sure I know all of it. But I will tell you this: Paul did one hell of a number on our boy. I've never in my life witnessed anyone become so downtrodden that they didn't know how to be a person anymore, but I saw it first hand with Jasper. It took a long time for him to get out of that frame of mind. And I'm beginning to see that maybe he never really did. At least not all the way."

He gave a rueful chuckle as he shook his head. "No, that's not true. I knew he hadn't. I just didn't realize how much was still there." He looked at me. "Edward...I can honestly say that in all the years I have known Jasper, I have never seen him act like he has for these past few months. He's had other guys since Paul; I won't lie. But that's just it. He had them. He wasn't with them. He didn't claim them – like he has you." He quirked a brow then and grinned. "He's never been possessive of anyone, or protective – well, except his friends and family, of course. And I have never seen him as happy as he is when he's with you."

I turned my head, unwilling to believe that he was happy with me. How could he have been? Mike gave a soft sigh, and I thought I heard him mutter, "Alright..."

I glanced at him and saw him reaching inside his bag. He bit his lower lip, his brow furrowed as if weighing his options, and then he handed some sort of notebook to me. I frowned, my eyes flickering between the sketchpad I was now holding and his eyes. He said, "Look," and pointed, so I did.

I opened the first page, seeing numerous doodles – eyes I thought looked like Emily's, a child's hand, a Celtic cross, too many things to take in. Mike urged me to turn a few pages, and then I saw it. Countless eyes covering page upon page after the first three. Every single pair was mine. My mouth fell open as my fingers traced them gingerly. They all looked so real, so alive, and held so much emotion in them – seeming to say so much. I looked up at Mike in amazement and whispered, "Why?"

He smirked lightly, sitting back as he watched me. He tilted his head a little as he told me that these were from before Jasper even knew I was into him – from before our first date. He had me flip another couple of pages, and I could see more eyes – more emotions, and the way Jasper had drawn them actually made me blush a little, as I could well imagine what he had been thinking about as he sketched. Lust was all too apparent in so many of them.

Mike pointed out different pages, relating them all to certain times over the last few months. Suddenly, there was a shift in the sketches – it was abrupt, and I shuddered, unable to explain why. There were two sets of eyes, repeated again and again – mostly side by side as if for comparison. On one side, I could see my own staring back at me – on the other were a pair I didn't know. A pair I didn't want to know; they were hard, cold – menacing.

"That would be Paul."

I glanced at him, and he sighed, leaning forward as he tapped his finger on the page. "I'm pretty sure that those were done the week we all bumped into each other and you and Jasper ended up bailing on us."

Frowning, I looked down at the page again. "I don't understand...why?" I thought back to that week, trying to remember what had happened. He had pulled away from me, and I'd been hurt by the sudden change, but I had no idea what might have caused it. At least none that I could think of.

Mike sighed as he sank back into the couch again, running his fingers through his hair as he gave me an apologetic smile. "He pulled away that week; didn't he? From you?"

I nodded, my frown deepening as he continued, "He acted a little weird at work. It's something I've been thinking about a lot today, and...well, to be honest...I think it was because of us. Before you came along, Jasper was always hanging out with us – it took him a long time to learn to trust us - to trust anyone, really. But over the years, we've all become very close – like family. Jasper takes that to heart, and he's never let any guy interfere with how he is with us. Until you. When you two started...dating...something changed for him – something changed in him. He's finally acting like every one of us has when they're..." He swallowed, and there was something in his eyes that disappeared as quickly as it came. "When they're in that first 'getting to know you – hey I like you' stage. Edward, when I say that I've never seen him act the way he does now...I mean that in every way."

He paused, watching me closely. I wasn't sure what he was looking for, but after a moment, he spoke again. "Anyway...we were talking about not hanging out anymore, and that's – I think at least – what spurred him on. He suddenly wanted to go out, just us guys, like we used to. Don't get me wrong, Edward; not one of us minded that he left us behind. We were all happy to finally see him with a guy that seemed to be good for him."

Mike took a swig of his beer, putting the empty bottle on the table with a sigh. "You need to understand something, Edward. Jasper didn't hang out with us on campus because Paul didn't let him. He monopolized his time, demanded his attention. He was essentially isolated from everything and everybody..."

I looked down at the sketches again, my gaze flickering between my eyes and Paul's as I considered Mike's words. "He felt I was taking him away from his friends...and keeping him away from mine..."

Slowly, things were starting to make a horrible kind of sense, and that feeling in my stomach that had started when Mike and I had first sat down was quickly growing to make me nauseous. Everything Mike was saying pointed to Jasper having been abused by Paul. It explained a lot of his actions and reactions to things that had happened between us.

My mind conjured images of Jasper and everything he might have suffered through – from beatings to being cheated on to verbal abuse...sexual abuse. I had no way of knowing if my fears were right or if my mind was just in overdrive, but I flinched under the barrage, struck with the realization that Jasper had believed – or feared – me capable of doing the same to him...

I felt physically ill to the point where I needed to purge myself of it all. I tossed the pad down on the couch, and with a hurried, "Excuse me," I all but ran to the bathroom, only barely getting there in time to throw up. I knelt in front of the toilet, waiting for my stomach to settle down again – not caring that Mike was in my living room, waiting for me. I felt like I was going crazy. How could Jasper have kept something like that from me? How could he think that I'd ever hurt him like that? How could he not know that I loved him, that I could never, ever be capable of anything like that?

Have you really given him any reason to believe you're different?

What have you done that Paul must have done at some point as well?

But he cheated! How could he do that, if he had it done to him? How?

Slowly, I pulled myself to my feet and washed my face. As I gazed into the mirror, I was shocked to see the haggard look in my eyes. If hearing about what had happened to Jasper affected me this way, then God only knows how it messed him up. My stomach roiled again, and I had to grasp the edge of the counter to stay upright, taking slow, deep breaths to try to steady myself. The idea that he'd had to go through all of that – and more, if Mike's indication of not telling me everything was anything to go by - tore me up inside. How could anyone do that to another human being? To him? The Jasper I knew was loving, loyal, kind, giving... Why would anyone try to kill such a good soul?

I had so many thoughts running around my head that it was dizzying. I tried to push it all back; some of it would have to wait until I was alone so I could sort through it, while some I hoped Mike would be able to shed some light on.

Mike. Shit! How long have I been in here?

After giving my face another quick wash and rinsing my mouth, I went back to the den and sat down on the couch. Mike looked at me with concern, and I apologized for just walking out like I had.

"Don't worry about it, E. Are you alright?"

I nodded and sighed heavily. "Yeah, I'm okay, I guess..." I frowned and tilted my head to his empty bottle. "Oh, hey...did you want another one?"

He nodded, and I got up to grab the last couple of beers, all the while trying to keep it together and not let my thoughts go spiraling out of control. After I got back, we sat and talked for what felt like hours. I asked him to clarify some of what he had said, and every answer he gave solidified my fears for Jasper.

There was one thing – well, more than one, really – that he hadn't yet mentioned that had been hovering in the back of my mind all night. I sat with my back against the armrest, my legs pulled up again and my arms over my knees – I frowned, my eyes trained on the fabric of my jeans as I rubbed my fingers over it. The sensation was soothing, and I felt like I needed any comfort I could get at that point; I was aching inside.

"Mike...you said you knew what happened... I..." I sighed, closing my eyes. "When? How?"

It had been bothering me as we were talking, had in fact been poking at me all day since his call, but I had tried to push it aside. I couldn't anymore; I needed to know. I needed to hear from him whether he had seen it, if he had been there or not.

Mike cleared his throat, and I could feel him shifting in his seat so he could face me. When he began to speak, I looked up, wanting to see the truth in his eyes. "Jasper told me this morning after I found him sleeping on the couch in his office. I'm not gonna lie, Edward; he was a wreck. I haven't seen him in this state since Paul. He was going on and on about having fucked up, having hurt you, hurt Emily. He looked as if the bottom had gone out from under his world. It took a while to get him calmed down enough to talk to me, but eventually he did, and he told me everything. I sent him home and told him to try to get some rest, to just forget about today as far as work was concerned, and to see how things went tomorrow."

I swallowed hard, nodding – I didn't know what to say to that. All I knew was that it killed me to know that he was this upset, even though it was his own doing and he had hurt me...I just couldn't help it. "Did he know you were coming here?"

He shook his head with a slight grin. "No, he didn't. He'd kill me if he knew, especially since I took his sketchpad and showed it to you. Not that he hides it, but still."

My frown deepened as I tilted my head in confusion. "If you know he's not going to like that you told me about...well...all of that...or that you showed me the sketches... then why...?"

He sighed, running his fingers through his hair before resting his head in his hand, his elbow propped up on the backrest. "Because, Edward, my boy fucked up, and he fucked up good. He knows it, and he thinks he's lost you because of it." He paused, watching me for a moment. "Edward, if anything I've said tonight helps to give him another shot at happiness, then I'll take any bitching I might be in for from Jasper." He narrowed his eyes, then added, "Love is rare enough. Jasper's a good man, Edward. I believe you are, too, or I wouldn't even be here."

I smiled, in spite of myself. "I hope Jasper knows how good of a friend he has in you."

He grinned and winked at me as he said, "If he doesn't, I'll be sure to remind him of it."

I gave a short chuckle and then sighed. I picked at the nail of my thumb, focusing on it rather than on Mike as I spoke. "You've given me a lot to think about, Mike. I-I honestly can't say how I feel about everything right now. I'm going to need time to sort all this out for myself." I looked up at him. "I appreciate what you did, though – what you're trying to do."

He nodded. "Like I said, Edward...you had a right to know. None of it excuses his actions, but maybe it helps to understand them a little."

Giving a soft sound of affirmation, I got up and Mike followed, putting his bag over his shoulder as we walked to the door. He paused, stuffing his left hand in his pocket as he gave me a serious look.

"Edward, I can't tell you what you need to do. This is something you've got to figure out for yourself - if you can forgive him and have a go at it again. But if you do, you're going to have to show him that he has nothing to fear. I know it's not fair to you – you've done nothing wrong, and yet you're being asked to pay for some asshole's actions – but he's going to need to be reassured. In word, as well as deed. If you can do that, then I guarantee you Jasper will do the same. If you do give him another chance, I know he will do whatever he can – whatever it takes – to prove to you that what happened this weekend won't ever happen again."

I cleared my throat, putting both hands into my back pockets as I shifted uneasily on my feet. I muttered, "Thanks, Mike. Like I said...you've given me a lot to think about tonight."

He stepped up to me and gave me a brief hug, which I returned, wishing me luck and thanking me for letting him say his piece. After he was gone, I locked the door and cleaned up before heading to my room. I was exhausted, weighed down by everything Mike had shared with me, and I just wanted to sleep.

I stripped and slid between the covers. I grabbed Jasper's pillow, burying my face in it as I wished he were here – though I knew that I wouldn't have been able to handle things if he were. I wasn't sure that he would be able to, either. It was with thoughts of Jasper swirling around in my brain that I finally drifted off into an uneasy sleep.

When I woke up, it was with a headache and a heaviness that seemed to spread through my entire body. I got up slowly and took some Tylenol, gulping down the water greedily. Once that was done, I briefly contemplated whether to take a shower or a bath – I ended up drawing a bath and using some of the bathbombs for relaxation that I had gotten during my trip to Memphis. It wasn't quite how I'd imagined using them when I bought them, but I needed to try to relax and give myself some time to think about things. I didn't light any candles or do anything I ordinarily would have done to set a mood – I left things simple and quiet, praying it would help.

Once I was settled into the tub, I closed my eyes and rested my arms on the sides of it as I leaned my head back. I went over everything Mike had told me, sifting through all of the information I had. I knew it still wasn't enough, but it would have to do...for now. I thought about everything that had happened between Jasper and me, and I realized that we both had made mistakes. In my attempt to not scare him away, I had not given him a reason to fully trust my feelings for him – though I had no idea at the time that he had needed that. I had tried so hard to not push him, to give him time instead...

I snorted softly, shaking my head as I muttered, "There was no way I could have won that one... If I'd said anything, he would've run away – I know he would have. And by not saying anything, I may have lost him anyway. God, what a fucking mess..."

Jasper was broken, and knowing that was almost enough to bring me to my knees. I didn't know if he would ever be able to get past what had happened to him. I didn't know if I would be able to help him with that, if I would be enough... and what scared me most was that I wasn't sure whether I was able to take that chance.

I knew I had my own demons; though they paled in comparison to his, they were still there – more so now than ever before. With Alistair, it had just been a fear; I'd never known one way or the other. Jasper, however, had done the one thing I didn't know if I could excuse – he had cheated on me. Even though we had never really talked about it, I had tried to tell him I just wanted him – hell, I had said so the weekend before I left for Memphis! He had to have known – and he had still ended up in someone else's arms.

It hurt, a lot. I hated that it made me feel as if I wasn't enough to hold his attention, that I didn't have his heart like I had believed. It made me question myself, as well as him. And I hated it. I wanted to know my heart was safe with him, and that I had his heart – his love.

It also stung to think that Jasper had even remotely believed me capable of doing the things Paul had done to him. I had a hard time understanding how he could. What had I ever done to warrant that fear? I had tried time and again to show him how I felt for him because I had been too scared to tell him with words. How could he have not known?

I was getting nowhere, continuously going back and forth. The only thing that really changed was the ache in my heart, though it was as much for him as it was for me. The water had turned cold when I finally got out of the tub – headache free and at least somewhat relaxed. My body didn't feel as heavy anymore, though my mind was still bogged down.

Walking into my closet, I pulled on a pair of faded blue jeans. After some consideration, I grabbed the blue long-sleeved shirt that I had lent to Jasper the night he cooked for me. I held it to my face, taking a deep breath and smiling at the smell of him that still lingered on it, though it made me ache, too. I wasn't sure whether it was a good idea to wear something that reminded me so strongly of him, but the need to have that connection overruled the hurt I felt, so on it went.

My stomach growled at me, letting me know that whether I wanted to eat or not, I needed sustenance. I made myself a bowl of cereal; I was not in the mood to cook and unsure whether I'd be able to stomach the smell of food anyway.

Mike's words kept playing in my head, slowly driving me crazy as I tried to figure things out. Could I forgive Jasper? Would I be able to trust him again? Part of me said "Yes," to both immediately, almost automatically. I knew why, too - because, in spite of everything, I still loved him. I still wanted him, more than I had wanted anyone in my life. Those things weren't even an issue. The question was...would I be able to handle putting myself out there, knowing what I now knew? Would Jasper ever be able to let me in – really let me in – and trust me enough to not hurt him?

Annoyed at continuously coming back to the same questions and issues over and over again, I growled, burying both my hands in my hair and tugging at the strands. I knew that eventually I'd have to talk to Jasper... I just couldn't do it yet. I needed to have a better grip on my own thoughts, and right then, I didn't. I wanted to talk to Kate, but I was still not ready for any I told you so's or I warned you's, which I knew would hang in the air even though she would never say it. That just wasn't Kate.

I had to get out and do something before I drove myself insane, so I quickly washed my bowl and spoon, putting them away after drying them, and then went in search of my phone. Once I had that, as well as my wallet and keys, I left. I had no idea where I was going or what I was going to do as I drove through town. Just driving helped to ease my mind a little, as it usually did. It wasn't enough, though. Jasper was still lurking, still poking at my heart and mind.

Without even realizing I was heading there, I parked right in front of Black Ink. I sat in my car, both hands on the steering wheel as I took a couple of deep breaths. This was where it had all started, and it felt right somehow that I was here now. An idea began to form in my head, and I got out of the car and went into the tattoo parlor before I could change my mind. There was something I felt I had to do, and come what may, it would serve as a reminder to me.

I saw the back of Billy's head in one of the stalls, but Austin walked up to me, asking if he could help me. He said Billy was booked throughout the day, but as it turned out, Austin had an opening, as his latest appointment had been canceled. Normally, I would have waited for Billy, but it suited me fine that he wasn't available today. I wanted to get this done, and I didn't feel like talking about the reason behind it.

I told Austin that I wanted a tattoo on my side and asked if he could do an Escher print. When he said yes, we walked to his booth, where we flipped through a few art books before he sketched out what I wanted. He took the original design and worked it into a diamond shape, giving it definition and boundaries so it would look complete. When we were both happy with it, I pulled my shirt over my head, dropping it onto the partition as I sat down.

Austin worked quietly, and I didn't feel like talking, either. As the buzzing of the needle filled my ears, thoughts and memories flitted through my mind. I didn't try to hold onto them, didn't try to make sense of anything. I took the time to just...feel.

I felt the physical sting of the needle as it punctured my flesh again and again, welcoming the distraction from the mental torment of the last few days. I let the whole situation - my confusion, my pain - solidify, settling into my body as permanently as the ink. Like the rest of my tattoos, this one would be a palpable reminder of what I'd been through...and other than the torch on my abdomen, it was the only one tied to a man I'd loved.

It had taken years for Alistair to become etched into my skin, but only a few short months for Jasper. As I sat there, I found myself hoping that maybe my tattoo wouldn't mark an ending this time, but a beginning.

I had no idea how much time had passed before Austin was finished and cleaning the tattoo. My arms and back were stiff from sitting in one position for so long, and the familiar sting of fresh ink spread across my ribcage. He looked at me, lifting an eyebrow as he said, "Want to see it before I put the bandage on it?"

I nodded, and he turned around, picking up a hand mirror before swiveling around again and holding it so that I could see. My fingers skimmed the edge of the tattoo, and I sighed, nodding my approval. The Escher print of birds morphing into fish – or vice versa, depending on how you wanted to look at it – was a reminder that you can't force people to change. But at the same time, change happens – for good, or bad.

He put the mirror back and bandaged the tattoo before declaring me done. I caught Billy staring at me with a frown, and I gave him a small wave as I headed to the front desk and settled my bill with Austin. I knew that Billy'd want to know what was going on the next time I saw him, and that was fine – I just didn't want to deal with it today. I had a feeling Billy knew – at least to some extent – what had happened to Jasper, given his warning the last time I was in here, and I didn't want to have to tell him that it had ended up with Jasper hurting me, rather than the other way around. Billy cared about his clients, which was partly the reason I loved coming here. For him, it was always about more than just inking someone, because most of the time there was a story behind every tattoo he did... like this one. It just wasn't one I was ready to tell.

After I left Black Ink, I stopped at a hot dog vendor and sat on a bench as I contemplated what to do next. A couple holding hands walked by, and as I looked up, I noticed the guy carrying a little girl on his arm as she held onto his neck. The image struck me hard, and I knew then who I wanted to talk to – who I could talk to about all of this to try to make sense of it.

Before too long, I was pulling up into Forest Hills Cemetery. After finding a parking spot, I walked to the place where my parents lay buried and sat down Indian-style next to Mom's headstone. I had bought a bouquet of pink begonias, white carnations, bluish-purple forget-me-nots, and stalks of yellow gladiolus that were colorful and bright, just like Mom had been. The meaning behind them wasn't lost on me, either, and had been partly why I had chosen those particular flowers. I was here to think, to remember, and to rely on my mother's strength of character.

As I placed the bouquet on her grave, I started talking. Back when I was little, Dad had always taken me here, listening to me for however long I wanted to talk to Mom. He'd even let me stay here to be with her on my own, so I could tell her about how I was or about anything that was bothering me. He always kept an eye on me, going just far enough that he couldn't hear what I was saying. Some people might have found this odd, but I had always been grateful that he had done that.

When he had passed, too, I wasn't able to visit their graves, since I went to Memphis to live with my aunt and uncle, but once I moved back to Boston, I started visiting them every so often. Most of the time, it was to talk about things I didn't feel I could discuss with anyone else, like now. Stuff that I would have confided in Mom about, had she been alive – that I would have wanted her opinions on. I wished dearly that I could have that now, but this would have to do. I knew that I could call Aunt Livy and talk to her, and she would listen and offer advice – but I just didn't feel right telling anyone about Jasper's past.

I spent a couple of hours at the grave, and I told Mom everything – about my own fears, Jasper's past, how I felt about him, what had happened. Everything came out, and though I got no answers as such, it felt good to simply let it all out. The more I talked, the calmer I felt. After a while, I simply sat, letting the quiet calm of the cemetery soothe me as my hands skimmed the grass around me.

When I started to feel stiff from sitting on the ground for so long, I got up, resting my hand on their headstones briefly as I said goodbye to them, whispering that I loved and missed them both, and that I would try to come back soon.

Pulling into my parking spot, I frowned as I saw the delivery van in front of my house. "Cedar Grove Gardens" was painted on the side, and as I got out of my car and walked toward my house, I saw a young woman standing on my doorstep, holding a bouquet in her arm. She couldn't have been older than eighteen, her blond hair pulled back in a ponytail that was held in place by the cap on her head. She smiled at me as I walked up to her, and she asked if I was Edward Masen, which I confirmed with some confusion. Who the hell would send me flowers?

She handed me the bouquet, wished me a nice day, and walked away. I watched in astonishment as she drove off before shaking my head and opening my door. It wasn't until I was in the kitchen that I looked to see what I had gotten.

Tulips?

There were eleven white tulips, and in the middle of them was a single red one.

Odd...

I put them in a black vase after checking for a card, but there was none. I frowned as I put the vase on the bar and went to look up the meaning behind them, hoping that it would shed some light on who sent them...and, more importantly, why. After a couple of minutes of Googling, I sat back in my chair with a huff, my eyes locked on the words on the screen:

White tulips: forgiveness

Red tulips: declaration of love

I breathed out, "Jasper?"

I read the words again and again, not sure I trusted myself to believe what it said. Had he meant for that to be the message?

It has to be him, right? Who else would send me something like this? What does it mean?

Never before had a guy sent me flowers, and the fact that Jasper had sent them – cliché as it was to send someone flowers to apologize – well, it made me smile. I closed down my computer again and went back to the kitchen. When I caught sight of the tulips, a soft sigh escaped me, and I rolled my eyes at myself. I leaned against the bar, my fingertips gently caressing the petals as I thought about what the flowers meant.

Could I forgive him? The answer to that, I realized, would depend on him more than anything. We needed to hash things out; I needed for him to open up and tell me why he did what he did – I couldn't just assume it was because of his past.

As I'd come to understand during my little monologue at my parents' grave, a lot of what had happened between us was due to neither of us communicating our needs to the other – both of us had assumed too much and had been too scared to truly let the other in. If we were going to try again, that would have to change. Whether Jasper would be capable, I didn't know – I only hoped I was.

I leaned in, closing my eyes as I breathed in the scent of the tulips. With a sigh, I pulled my phone from my pocket and sat down on the stool, staring at it as I tried to decide what to do. I felt I had to let Jasper know I had gotten his token, at least, but I wasn't ready to speak with him yet. Deciding a text message would just have to do for now, I quickly typed out,

Thanks for the flowers.

After giving it a moment's thought, I added,

Princess.

I hoped that by signing it that way, he would know to at least hope. I still wasn't certain about anything except that I wasn't able to out and out tell him to fuck off. Putting the phone back in my pocket, I picked up the vase and took it into the den where I placed it in the middle of the mantle – a prominent spot, in more ways than one. My eyes lingered on the portrait of my parents and me, my hand resting on the edge of the mantle as I sighed. I still felt alone, but somehow now quite as much as I had the day before.

I spent the rest of the night on the couch with the TV on the Sci-Fi channel, but I wasn't paying it much attention – my eyes were continuously drawn to the single red tulip amid the sea of white. Before I went upstairs to go to bed, I walked up to them and breathed in their scent again, my fingertips brushing the soft, satin-like petals. I slept soundly that night.

Still half-asleep, I rolled over and reached out to Jasper's side, having dreamed he was here and everything was okay. When my hand met cold sheets instead of a warm body, it woke me up enough to remember that things weren't okay and that I was alone. I groaned into my pillow, cursing under my breath. Turning my head, I glanced at the clock and sighed before lying on my back and scrubbing my face vigorously with my hands.

As I lay there, the urge to talk to someone about all of this – not just talk to, but get feedback from – became stronger. I still didn't feel ready to deal with Jasper. I grabbed my phone, biting my lip as I held down the speed-dial for Kate. She was not going to be happy that I hadn't called her before now.

I snorted. Not happy? Try pissed the fuck off.

"Well, good morning, sunshine! What has you up this early?"

I rolled my eyes and grinned in spite of myself. "Morning to you, too, Katie-bug. I've been known to wake up before noon on occasion, I'll have you know."

I tried to keep my voice light but failed miserably. At least, I failed to convince Kate, who knew me better than most anyone. I could almost hear her frown when she spoke. "Edward, what's wrong?"

Running my fingers through my hair with a huff, I said, "Nothing. Well...nothing I want to talk about over the phone, anyway. I was calling to see if you could come over tonight? Or maybe meet for lunch or something?"

I heard her rifling through some papers for a minute, and then she said, "I've got a client coming in about fifteen minutes and I can't cancel him, or I'd come right now. I'm clearing the rest of my day, though, so expect me around 11:30, okay?"

She hung up after confirming the time, and I shook my head with a soft smile on my lips. Kate had always been there whenever I had needed her, and I loved her for it. I was happy that she would be here in a few hours, but at the same time, I found myself dreading the conversation that was to follow.

I got up, took a quick shower and tended to my tattoo, and was dressed and out the door in no time. I was in desperate need of a grocery run, especially with Kate coming over for lunch, and I was tired of take-out. I was hoping that cooking would also help keep my mind occupied enough to not worry about how Kate would react.

I made it home in under an hour. My eyes fell on the tulips as I carried my haul to the kitchen, making me smile. Once everything was put away, I made myself some tea – Earl Grey, because apparently I liked to torture myself – and sat out on the back porch for a while.

I had grabbed Jasper's sketchpad, which Mike had left behind, and began flipping through the pages as I sipped my tea. My fingers traced the ones that held the most emotion – lingering on ones where I looked sad, hurt, very happy, or longing. When I got to the page containing both Paul's eyes and mine, I stopped. I'd placed my cup on my knee in between sips, but I moved it to the table to avoid spilling it because I was shaking so badly.

I was shaking because I was angry. I felt a sudden urge to look for an eraser and wipe out the harsh eyes that glared up at me from the page – a desire to eradicate even the memory of him from Jasper's life. I hated Paul, and I had never even met the man – part of me was glad of it, and part of me wanted to find him. I wasn't sure what would happen if we ever did meet, but I was certain it likely wouldn't go well.

I took a deep breath, trying to regain my composure. I knew I shouldn't alter Jasper's sketchpad, but I couldn't sit there looking at it anymore. I went back inside, putting the pad on the bar on my way to the office. I booted up my computer, sipping my tea as I waited.

As soon as my internet browser popped up, my fingers were flying over the keys. I spent a couple of hours searching, digging for whatever information I could find about domestic abuse - its signs, its effects. The more I read, the more ill I felt, and then I began looking at the pictures used as evidence. Every bruise tugged at my heart, especially when paired with that haunted, defeated look I'd seen in Jasper's eyes before.

I'd studied domestic abuse in classes, of course, but it had never had any sort of real connection to my life. Everyone I knew was...happy. They had strong families, healthy relationships; I felt completely out of my element as I tried to come to terms with what had happened to Jasper.

Eventually, I had to turn the computer off. My pain was too raw. I was confused enough as it was, and it was too much to add in the conflicting impulses I had to simultaneously protect Jasper and make him feel the hurt I felt.

It was time to start lunch, so I tried to concentrate on cooking as I went to the kitchen and set water to boil for pasta. After I was done, I made a fresh cup of tea and wandered to the den. I leaned against the doorway, sipping my tea as my eyes fell on the tulips – my mind, once again, going to Jasper.

What are we going to do?

I sighed.

What am I going to do?

I heard the front door open, and I turned around to see Kate come in, looking rushed and worried. She kicked off her shoes before walking over to me and hugging me tight. I wrapped my arms around her, and we stood for a moment. She peered up at me through narrowed eyes, breathing out a soft, "Fuck," before squeezing me once more.

She grabbed my hand, and we walked to the kitchen in silence. The water was boiling already, so I added the ravioli I had in the freezer. It was quick, easy, and the quality was good enough that I could deal with the 'instant' meal.

Kate quietly set the table, pouring us both a glass of sweet tea. I barely managed to not roll my eyes at myself as thoughts of how everything seemed to remind me of Jasper flitted through my head.

The food was done quickly, and after I plated the ravioli, we both sat down, eating quietly. I caught Kate staring at me, and I had a hard time not fidgeting under her scrutiny. Finally, after we'd had a few bites, she said, "So, what did Jasper do?"

I was instantly annoyed, my brow creasing as I glared at my food. I was annoyed because she assumed that I was upset because he had done something... and I was annoyed because she was right. With a sigh, I told her, in general terms, what had happened with Jasper, and she listened quietly - so much so that it was almost like talking to my mom again, except for the sympathetic look in her eyes.

We continued to eat as I talked, and by the time we were done, I had finished telling her everything I was willing to disclose. Kate stood up, cleared our dishes, and walked over to me. She sighed softly as she ran her fingers through my hair before wrapping her arms around me and whispering, "I'm sorry, sweetie."

As I hugged her back, I knew that those wouldn't be the only words spoken about it all. Kate went to refill our glasses and handed me mine before walking to the den. She stopped in the doorway and turned to me with a quirked brow, her thumb pointing over her shoulder to the tulips on the mantle. I cleared my throat lightly and nodded. "Yes, those are from Jasper."

She turned to look at them again, tilting her head slightly as I heard her say softly, "Why is there a red one there?"

I walked over to the couch and took my usual seat, putting down my glass so I could lean back, one arm slung over the back, the other over the side as I half-turned to her. "The white stands for 'forgiveness'; the red means 'a declaration of love'."

I could feel myself blushing slightly at my words. Kate sat down on Jasper's end, pulling one leg up under her so she could face me, but her head was still turned to the tulips. She muttered, "Does it, now..?"

Before I could ask her what she meant, she looked at me and asked what I was going to do, how I felt about all of this – aside from being hurt, of course. I huffed, resting my head in my hand, my fingers tangling in my hair as I glanced at the tulips. It was the million dollar question, and I still wasn't sure I had the answer – so I told her exactly that.

I ran my hand over my face as I said, "I'm scared that no matter what I say or do, it won't matter, Kate. Hell, I don't even know what to do. I'm in love with him; I want him – I want forever with him – but what if it's not enough?"

She looked at me with a thoughtful expression before placing her hand on my knee. "Edward, sweetie, you know I feel for you. I love you, and I hate to see you suffering like this. But I think you should be talking to someone else about this, don't you?"

I grimaced, sighing softly. "I guess...I guess I just got so used to talking to you with Alistair always..." My voice trailed off, as I was unwilling to finish that sentence.

"Gone," Kate said simply. "But that's not a relationship, and as much as I love you, you aren't getting in my pants. So, unless you're thinking about changing your mind..." She grinned.

I laughed, holding up both hands in surrender. "Alright, alright. I'll call Jasper tonight. I promise."

Kate grinned as she said, "Then I think that's my cue."

We both got up, and she hugged me fiercely, kissing my cheek before letting me go. As she was putting on her shoes, she shot me a pointed look, and I rolled my eyes at her. She hadn't said it, but I knew she wasn't happy about my not having told her before now. Once we were standing at the door, I pulled her in for another hug and said softly, "I'm sorry I didn't call sooner; I promise I'll let you know what happens. I love you, too, Katie-bug."

She sighed, resting her forehead against my shoulder for a moment, and then she looked up at me. "I know you do. I just worry for you, Edward. You're not an island, okay? I'll always be there when you need me."

Kissing her on the crown of her head, I smiled. "I know, and I appreciate that very much." I pulled away just far enough to be able to look at her and gave her a crooked grin. "That goes both ways, though. Remember that."

She poked me in the side, making me squirm as she said, "I know. Now let me go so I can get out of here and you can call Jasper."

Letting her go with a sigh, I ran my fingers through my hair. I wasn't sure what would happen next, but I knew that no matter what, Kate would be there for me.

Once Kate had left, I made my way back to the den and sat down on the couch after pulling my phone out of my pocket. Curling up, I cradled the piece in my hands as I stared at the tulips – as if they held all the answers I was searching for.

Without checking the time, I flipped open my phone and hit the speed-dial for Jasper. I was almost hoping that I'd get his voicemail instead of him. My heart began to beat faster as my nerves made themselves known – my eyes trained on the red tulip, latched on to the hope that I was doing the right thing.

I swallowed hard when I heard his shuddering voice whisper, "Edward?"

Taking a slow breath to steady myself, I said, "Yeah, it's me, Jazz."

It was quiet for a moment, neither of us saying anything as we waited for the other to speak. I bit my lip, closing my eyes as I broke the silence. "Jasper, I-I think we need to talk." He cleared his throat lightly but otherwise remained quiet. "I was wondering...can you come over tomorrow? I'll make dinner or something – I just really..."

I couldn't finish my sentence, not even sure what else I wanted to say. Thankfully, Jasper ignored the fact that I'd trailed off, and he said softly, "Of course. Anything..."

There was another awkward silence. I wasn't sure what to say or do next - at once wanting to stay on the phone with him and wanting to hang up. My eyes landed on the tulips again, and I sighed. "Okay...I'll see you tomorrow, then..."

He sighed softly, and I was about to hang up when I heard him say timidly, "Edward?"

My own voice was quiet as I said, "Yes?"

I heard him take a deep breath before he stammered, "I just...I mean...I...wanted to say..." He paused, muttering something under his breath that I couldn't catch. With a sigh he continued, "Thank you...for calling. Really. I...well, I can't wait to see you tomorrow."

He had spoken so softly I had to strain to hear him, but I thought he sounded a little forlorn, and that thought made me ache for him. I needed to get off the phone, now, before I caved and asked him to just come tonight. I knew that wasn't a good idea – we needed to talk, and I had a feeling that if we did, it would take us a long time. I didn't want us to have to worry about him having to work the next day. Taking a deep breath, I said, "See you tomorrow, Jasper," and hung up.

I felt restless, unsettled. After a couple of minutes, I got up and did the dishes. Then I grabbed the sketchpad and went upstairs to my room. Tossing the pad onto my bed, I stripped and slipped under the covers. It was crazy early to be going to bed, but I was exhausted from all the turmoil of the last week. Sitting with my back against the headboard, my sheets pulled up over my hips, I picked up the sketchpad and leafed through the pages, purposely skipping the ones that contained images of Paul as I focused instead on the ones of me. Mike had explained that most of these sketches had been done subconsciously by Jasper, as he was talking or waiting on the phone. For some reason, knowing that made me smile. He might not have been willing or able to admit his feelings, but the fact that he had drawn me time and again...it had to mean something.

I don't know how long I sat looking at all the sketches, but eventually I put the pad on my nightstand and took my journal out of the drawer. I sat with my pen poised for several minutes before the words finally began to flow. I didn't try to think; I just let them come as they were, needing to try to empty my head so I could attempt to sleep. By the time I stopped, I was shocked to find that it was almost midnight. After putting my journal back in its place, I lay down on my side, hugging Jasper's pillow to me as I drifted off. I hadn't set an alarm, figuring that the longer I slept, the shorter the time until I would be faced with Jasper again.

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Chapter 17 ~ Chapter 19

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