Changing Perspective

A/N: Happy Birthday, Mizzdee_ff! We hope you have a fantastic day.

As ever, we do not own Twilight - it owns us.

Pairing: Seth/Paul

Rating: T

ooOoo

Kinship

My knee's bouncing nervously, sweat's beading on my forehead, I'm wringing my hands almost to the point of pain, and I can't look at him.

I just can't.

Hell, I'm not even sure I'll be able to get my voice to work, but who else am I going to tell? He's the only one who'd understand.

The only one who's been there.

Except... He's not the one coming out to his crush.

I am.

At least, I'm supposed to be. I chance a quick glance and see Paul waiting patiently for me to start.

Oh God... I can’t do this...


Patience

“Seth, did you scratch my bike?” Paul asks suddenly.

I blink at him, completely confused. “No, why?”

He cracks a half-smile, lifting only one side of his lips. “Because that’s the only thing I can think of that should scare you this bad.”

“Oh…” I shake my head. “Oh, no. I haven’t… I didn’t…”

“Relax, man,” he says, reaching out to put a hand on my shoulder. “Just a joke. Whatever it is, it’s cool, alright? Just take your time.”

He suits his words by sitting on the steps, leaning back on his elbows and letting his legs sprawl out.


Exhale

Closing my eyes and taking a few deep breaths, I try to calm, telling myself that this is Paul – the same guy who's been there for me all my life.

Before I can focus too much on what else he is to me, I release one long breath and slowly open my eyes to look at him.

Paul's watching the distant waves, keeping his gaze there as if he knows it'll make it easier on me than if he faced me.

Though I try, I can't stop my nerves from showing. My knee continues to bounce as I say, “Paul...”


Out

He turns to me, and I immediately want to hide. I don’t, though. I force myself to look at him, amazed by his calm and the change that’s taken place over the last year.

Before then, Paul was a ticking bomb. We never knew what would set him off – or what he would do when he was pissed. Since he came out, though, he’s just… mellowed.

And that’s made him even hotter.

He’s cool and confident and gorgeous and everything I want.

My tongue freezes to the roof of my mouth before I force the words out.

“I-I-I’m gay.”


Terror

Paul's eyes search mine, the only other reaction visible being a slight rise of his right eyebrow.

My heart beats wildly in my chest, and my palms are sweaty. My body stills under his perceived scrutiny. It's almost as if he's waiting for something more.

Oh God. He knows? How-?

Oh God oh God oh God...

I'm getting lightheaded, and it takes me a second to realize I'm close to hyperventilating. Paul frowns in concern and puts a calming hand on my arm. “Seth, man, calm down. It's not the end of the world, I promise. It won't be easy, but...”


Shake

The world goes blurry as I gulp air, and I can’t figure out if I’m crying or not. I sit down hard on the step beside him and lean forward, putting my head between my knees.

Can this get any worse?

I bark a weak half-laugh, and then I feel something I never expected – a hand rubbing between my shoulder blades. It brings me out of my stupor, letting me catch Paul’s murmurs.

“Seth… calm down, okay? Look, I’ll help you. I know it’s scary as hell…”

He keeps talking as I lift my head to look in his eyes.


Stall

Letting his words wash over me, I try to think, to put my words together to tell him.

Paul senses I'm trying to say something and lets his voice trail off even as he continues to gently rub my back.

My mouth opens and closes in an attempt to speak, but all that comes out is an ungainly squeak before I shut it with a snap.

I can't tell him. He'll push me away. No way he's interested in a squirt like me.

Frowning, I look down at my feet as I mumble something about people – my family – not understanding.  


Console

He watches me silently before suddenly I’m crushed against his chest. I feel him kiss the top of my head, and my world spins.

What the-? He… he can’t…

Coherent thought evades me as I sit uselessly in Paul’s arms. Everything in me screams to turn to him, to kiss him, but some sense of self-preservation warns me that that is not what this means.

My confusion gives me the chance to pull myself together even though I’m still sniffling when Paul pulls away. The smile he gives me is reassuring, and I attempt to return it before looking down.


Courage

Paul takes my hand in his, squeezing it lightly. “If you want, I'll be there with you when you tell them. They'll understand, Seth, believe me.”

He goes on to explain how they've stood by him, have been some of his biggest advocates on the Rez. It kills me to know that he's trying to help, but doesn't know the real issue.

Closing my eyes, I grit my teeth, resolving to tell him. The fact that he's still holding my hand bolsters my courage as I look up.

“Paul... I-I'm in love with you.”

My voice is hoarse, barely audible.  

Quiet

I look away, unable to take the way he’s staring at me like I’m some bug he’s never seen before. My eyes won’t settle on any one thing, darting around until finally I squeeze them shut.

I feel a strange sense of relief that it’s finally out there – until I realize that I may have just lost my only real ally.

Then I feel nothing but stark terror.

This time, I jump when he touches my hand.

“Sorry,” he mutters. When I look up at him, he sighs. “Seth…”

He trails off, looking more unsure than I’ve ever seen him.


Argue

The small furrow between his eyes deepens as he says quietly, “You don't mean that. You can't.”

As Paul continues to talk, pointing out all the reasons why I'm wrong, why I couldn't possibly feel the way I say I do, I feel my heart crumble at my feet.

My eyes sting at his words. Jerking my hand away from his, I get up, stalking a few feet away from him. I'm hurt, but I'm also angry.

Angry, because he refuses to believe me.

“You'll feel differently once you get out there, Seth,” he argues.

My hands clench into fists.  


Counterpoint

“Are you done?” My voice is low, and I can feel my hands shake.

“Yeah.” That one word makes anger flare in my chest.

“Don’t you dare tell me what the fuck I feel!” I explode. “Do you think I just woke up this morning and thought this would be a good idea? I’ve been watching you for years. Wanting you. I’ve been scared out of my fucking mind because of the way you make me feel. You’re smart and funny and so goddamn sexy that I can’t think straight. You were there for me and Leah when no one-”


Break

I rail at him for several minutes, telling him in detail how I feel and why. The longer I talk, the more I see shock and disbelief make way for something else, but I'm too upset to even attempt to figure out what's going through his mind right now.

Paul gets to his feet slowly, his eyes intent on mine as he walks up to me hesitantly. The way he reaches toward my face – as if trying to calm a frightened animal – is enough to pause me.

“Seth,” he whispers, gazing questioningly at me.

“I mean it, Paul,” I manage.


Question

“How can you-?” he breaks off suddenly and shakes his head. “I mean…” He runs his fingers through his hair and looks out over the ocean, exhaling heavily.

I just wait. There’s nothing else for me to say.

When he looks back at me, his guard is down. “Look, I don’t know what to say. I’ve never thought of… I mean, you’re Leah’s brother, you know?”

I huff and roll my eyes, more hurt than I want to let on.

Of course I’m just Leah’s stupid brother.

His hand cups my cheek, and I turn to look at him reluctantly.


Vulnerable

My eyes burn and shimmer with tears that threaten. I try to keep my words inside, too, but they escape. “Why can't you just see me?”

Paul's eyes roam my face as if looking at me for the first time. His other hand brushes hair out of my eyes before cupping my cheek again, cradling my face with a tenderness that sets my heart fluttering in spite of everything.

“Please,” I whisper, wanting nothing more than for him to see me. To kiss me.

To love me.

To be mine.

“Seth...”

I close my eyes, unable to handle any more.  


Coax

“Will you look at me?” His voice isn’t soft – it’s frustrated.

I squeeze my eyes tighter, shaking my head once before doing as he asked anyway. When I meet his eyes, he gives a tiny half-smile.

“Thanks,” he whispers. He runs his thumb across my jaw, and my heart races at the simple gesture – but then his hand drops to his side. “I’m sorry. You just… kinda surprised me. A lot.”

I swallow, unsure how to respond.

“I’ve never let myself think of you guys that way. You’re my friends, and I didn’t want to screw that up, ya know?”


Give

I nod, frowning slightly. I guess I can see his point, but still...

Paul sighs softly, resting his forehead against mine. It feels both intimate and so very far from what I want.

“Seth,” he murmurs. “I don't want to screw up our friendship.”

I try to pull away, ready to argue again, but his fingers tighten their grip, keeping me in place even as he shakes his head and says, “Please just… listen.”

I nod again.

“Seth, I like you... and you're... well... beautiful... Believe me when I say I'm not saying 'no'. Please?”

“Then what are you saying?”


Slow

He smiles, and he’s still so close and so unbelievably gorgeous that I feel my heart racing. “I’m saying… I’m not ready to say I’m in love with you. There’s so much we don’t know about each other… so much we haven’t done... but I do like you. I am attracted to you.”

At that, he runs his fingers through my hair, sending shivers down my spine.

“I’m willing to give this a shot.” A smile spreads across my face, but he puts a finger over my lips. “One condition?” he says.

I nod readily.

“We take this slow... okay?”


Shy

My lips twitch against his finger. “I can do slow,” I mumble.

Paul smiles.

All the anger from earlier has completely turned around into excitement, as well as a different kind of nervous apprehension.

He's been with other guys before. I haven't. Nor have I been with any girls.

Blushing and feeling silly, I chew my bottom lip before whispering shyly, “Paul?”

“Yeah, baby?” he says softly.

I shiver at the term of endearment. Looking at him through my lashes, I murmur, “Does this mean I can kiss you now?”

He chuckles, then leans in, brushing his lips over mine.  
First

The pressure of his lips against mine mixes with the way he smells and my own nervous energy to make my body sing. I feel so alive.

I don’t want the feeling to end, so I reach up tentatively, sliding my hand along his cheek until it rests on the back of his neck. He gives a little sigh and tilts his head, pressing his lips more firmly against mine.

The sound that escapes me has to be a whimper, as embarrassing as that is, but I don’t even care because Paul’s lips part, and his tongue gently brushes mine.


Soar

Blissful minutes pass as we kiss. Paul pulls me closer, and I just want to melt into him.

I never dreamed it could be like this, that I could feel so much from a kiss.

But I do, and the more time goes by, the higher I fly. I'm only anchored by his arms holding me, and mine going around his neck.

Eventually, he pulls away, smiling softly. “Would you go on a date with me, Seth? A proper one?”

I stare, momentarily dazed before nodding vigorously.

A date. With Paul.

Kissing. Paul.

“Yes, please,” I whisper.

I can't wait!