A/N: Thank you so much to our betas, EchoesofTwilight, kimberlycullen10, and theladyingrey42, for reading this continuously and giving us fantastic feedback. We love you ladies!
We don't own any of these characters, but these two boys sure as hell own us. We hope that you grow to love them just as much as we do.
JPOV
Shifting slightly, I blinked the sleep out of my eyes when the realization hit me.
I'm at Edward's.
I scrubbed my hands roughly over my face, trying to wake up and gather my thoughts. I still couldn't believe everything that had happened. Turning to my side, I watched Edward as he slept. He was on his back, one arm slung above his head while the other rested on his stomach. His legs were hidden by the comforter, which was draped over his hips, covering the tattoo there.
My hand hovered over his chest, the desire to touch him strong. The fear of my touch being unwelcome by the light of day was stronger, though, so I retracted my hand and watched the gentle rise and fall of Edward's chest as he breathed, sleep still holding him in an embrace that I envied.
Because I couldn't trace his form with my hand, I contented myself with simply watching him before I noticed something familiar from the corner of my eye.
My sketchbook...
Instantly, my thoughts went back to Mike and the talk we'd had as soon as I'd gotten into the office on Wednesday, a couple of days after I'd confessed everything to Edward.
"Felix, no calls today, okay? Unless it's D.C."
Felix nodded, and I was relieved to know that at least on that front, there'd be peace so I could focus on my work. My longed-for moment of peace lasted me all of ten seconds because as soon as I walked into my office, I found Mike waiting for me. He was sitting in front of my desk, tossing the signed baseball from one hand to the other.
With a sigh, I closed the door behind me. I'd known a talk with Mike had to be coming, but I really didn't feel like dealing with it just then.
"Morning, Mike..."
He turned his head, eyeing me carefully as he said, "Good morning. We need to talk."
I sat down heavily in my chair, leaning back as I rested my head against it. My eyes were on his as I muttered, "Figured you'd want to..."
He frowned at me, placing the baseball back on its perch as he leaned forward, resting his elbows on the edge of my desk. I was exhausted even though I'd slept for too many hours the day before. It was interrupted sleep, since I kept waking up to nightmares that had been a strange mixture of the events with Paul and Edward. Needless to say, I didn't get much rest.
"You look like hell, Jasper."
I rolled my eyes at him. "Thanks for stating the obvious, Mike. Can we get to the point, please? I'm really not in the mood..."
I knew I was being crabby and taking things out on Mike, but I couldn't help myself. He raised an eyebrow at me, surprisingly letting the comment slip. He steepled his fingers, resting his chin on his thumbs as his index fingers covered his lips briefly. Finally, he took a deep breath and clasped his hands, shifting them so that his chin was resting on them, rather than his thumbs. He narrowed his eyes and said, "Alright...to the point. I went to see Edward last night."
"You did what?" I bolted upright in my seat, staring at Mike in utter disbelief - and anger.
Mike looked steadily at me as he said, "I said, I went to see Edward last night. He and I had a long talk...about you, which shouldn't be a surprise, considering."
Running my fingers through my hair, I gaped at him. "How...why? For God's sake, Mike!"
He sat back in his chair, his arms lying lightly on the armrests as he watched me. He tilted his head a little and said, "Why? Because you're miserable, J, and I had a chance to do something. I hate seeing you hurting, Jasper. I had to try."
I groaned, leaning forward with my elbows on my desk so I could hide my face behind my hands. When I hadn't said anything after a couple of minutes, Mike cleared his throat. Spreading my fingers so I could see him, I said, "How was he?" My voice was hoarse with pent-up emotion.
"Honestly? You hurt him, J; he really cares about you - it's obvious he does."
I winced, knowing that what he said was true; I had hurt him. And it killed me to know it. I didn't miss Mike's use of present tense when he spoke about Edward caring, but I couldn't be sure it was enough. Not after what I'd done.
"J, there's more."
I raised my eyebrow inquisitively, though my face was still largely hidden in my hands. He continued as if he had heard the unspoken question.
"I gave him your sketchpad..."
"What?"
I sat upright, frantically shifting the papers that were scattered on my desk from the day before. I was searching for the sketchpad, though obviously it wasn't there. I couldn't believe he had taken it - had shown it to Edward of all people! I sat back in my chair and glared at him.
"What the fuck gave you the right to take something of mine, and give it to Edward? How dare you go through my things, Mike? I can't..."
I stopped as soon as I noticed Mike's face harden. His eyes narrowed, and his jaw clenched as he tried to hold himself in check. He took a calming breath before he said, "Jasper, calm the fuck down. I'm sorry, but I thought it might be necessary to show him, to give him that insight into you. Turns out I was right. He listened, J."
I shook my head, unable to take his words as truth, even though Mike had never lied to me before - and he had no reason to lie to me now. Mike heaved a heavy sigh as he leaned forward, his elbows resting on his knees as he looked at me.
"Jasper, like I said, the guy cares about you. You had better hope that you can fix the mess you made because, in my opinion, Edward's the best thing that's ever happened to you. Even you should be able to see that much."
All I could do was nod hopelessly. He was right. Edward had been the best thing that had ever happened to me - before or after Paul.
Edward shifted, turning his head from one side to the other, and I watched as a smile played briefly on his lips before it melted and a small sigh escaped them. His eyes moved behind his lids, and I wondered what he was dreaming about. I didn't dare hope that he was dreaming about me - about us.
I ran my fingers through my hair, closing my eyes as I sighed, my thoughts returning to Mike. After my talk with him, which had lasted a good hour at least, I'd needed to do something, anything, to reach out to Edward, but I was too much of a coward to call him after he'd said he needed time. Deciding to try to figure something out over my lunch hour, I focused on the D.C. project instead, hoping it would distract me.
Felix had stopped by before lunch with a roast beef on rye, letting me know Mike had ordered it for me. I had thanked him, and as I ate, I browsed the Internet, hoping for inspiration to strike. Of all things, it was a random ad from FTD that caught my eye. A quick google search found me a local florist instead, and another search gave me the flowers I wanted to send.
My heart was pounding in my chest as I placed the order - at once hoping he would get the meaning, and who sent it...and that he wouldn't. Much like when I had sent Edward the picture of the drawing I had made, the moment I hung up the phone with the florist, I wished I could take it back. I was afraid that it would be too much, that he would refuse them - refuse me.
The entire afternoon I kept glancing at my phone, wondering if he would call, or text, or...something. After a couple of hours, it finally chirped, letting me know I'd received a message. I picked it up, holding my breath with trepidation as I opened the new text. The relief that had washed over me when I read my nickname for him was overshadowed by the anxiety of replying. I didn't know that I had the words - at least nothing that would be suitable for a text message. I knew that I had to talk to him, but it needed to be face to face...if he'd want to even see me again.
It wasn't until Edward had called the following day that I allowed myself to even hope that what Mike had told me was true - that there was a chance that he still cared, that he had listened to Mike, and that he would listen to me. Mike had hammered in that I would need to tell Edward everything, every last detail. While I knew he was right, the prospect of it scared the living hell out of me. Since Paul, I'd never let anyone in that far before, always protecting the innermost part of me.
My hope was fitful and fluctuating as I worried about why he wanted to meet the following day and not that night. I wasn't going to look a gift horse in the mouth, though; even if he told me he never wanted to see me again, I needed to do this. The thought of him sending me away had left me cold and despondent, and it was all I could do to trudge through work for those two days.
By the time Friday evening rolled around, I was feeling physically ill from nerves. I almost called him to tell him to forget it, that I couldn't do this. I even had the phone in my hand as I sat behind the wheel, unable to make myself drive anywhere. I couldn't make that call either, though, so I forced myself into motion and drove toward Beacon Hill. I stopped on the way to buy a bottle of wine, somehow feeling wrong to arrive empty-handed after everything that had happened.
Standing on his door step, it took me several minutes before I plucked up the nerve to ring the bell. In a weird way, it was a bit of déjà vu from the first time I had been here, only this time it wasn't music holding me hostage, but fear.
I clutched the bottle in both hands, holding on for dear life, as if it were the only thing grounding me. I heard him as he came to the door and found myself unable to face him, to see the reproach and hurt I was certain I'd find in his eyes. Lowering my head, I took a shuddering breath as he opened the door. It felt like we stood there for an immeasurable amount of time. I tried to make myself do or say something, but other than lifting my head, I was unable to.
I wanted to see him, to hold him, to taste him again as we kissed. All of it seemed an impossibility, and that thought stung; I was certain he wouldn't want any of that anymore. I closed my eyes so I wouldn't have to see his rejection - sure his silence could mean little else.
And then his arms were around me. I was so surprised that at first I could do nothing. When I snapped out of the shock, I clung to him, my arms around his waist as I held him to me tightly. I didn't ever want to let him go. My whole body was shaking, but I couldn't stop it. It was as if my body was simultaneously trying to heal and fall apart at the seams. I had missed him so much, needed - craved - his touch more than I'd even realized.
When he kissed me, I thought for sure I was dreaming - but fuck if I wanted to wake up. It was more than I had dared hope for, and he was giving it to me. I relished the tang of his tongue ring as I brushed against it. Edward pulled away, and I wanted to follow - I did follow, before I abruptly remembered why I shouldn't, and I apologized.
With a sigh, I shifted, my eyes focused on Edward's face - on the peaceful look that had settled there, a look so different from the night before. I still couldn't believe he'd gone through the trouble of cooking for me after the way I'd treated him. The fact that he had, that he'd chosen the menu he had, showed me that Mike was right. Edward did care - still.
And after that too quiet dinner, when he had asked what I'd wanted to drink, I hadn't known what to do. I'd been so nervous, so lost that it didn't seem to matter anymore, and I'd fallen back into old habits I'd thought I'd long since put behind me. When Edward had come up to give me physical reassurance - telling me it wasn't about what he wanted, but that this was about us - I'd wanted to weep. He'd been giving me a piece of myself back, and with it settled in place, I'd felt stronger and better able to answer him. How he knew exactly what I'd needed from him was beyond me, but I was grateful that he had known.
The talk in the den had been awkward at best. He had thanked me for the flowers, and I'd known I had to tell him what had happened, why it had happened. I'd been scared out of my fucking mind, but I'd laid it all out there for him to see. I'd watched him, cringing with every show of pain he probably hadn't even been aware of portraying. I'd died a little inside, watching him react to every word I spoke...and every moment he'd sat in silence had driven it home to me.
The silence seemed to stretch out forever. I was close to hyperventilating in my anxiety to hear his next words, certain that what I had said was too much for him, that he wouldn't be able to forgive me. My leg was bouncing with nervous energy, stilling only when he put his hand on it and rubbed my knee soothingly.
"Jasper, baby, calm down… It'll be okay. We'll be okay."
My heart skipped at the use of the term of endearment, and I looked up into eyes filled with the same hurt, fear, and confusion that I felt. He squeezed my thigh, shifting to sit half Indian-style so he faced me, and said, "Baby, I can't lie. I'm hurt, and I'm pissed off, and I'm really fucking confused."
I winced, wishing I could take it all back, that I could take his pain away - pain that I had caused. I sank further into the couch, turning my face away because I couldn't bear to see the emotions so plain in his eyes. He cupped my cheek, trying to coax me to look at him again, but I refused - and then he put his finger under my chin, guiding my face to his, and gave me a chaste kiss. I instantly wanted more, but he pulled away, which was probably for the best. I didn't deserve more from him.
He looked at me and said, "Jazz, as long as you're willing to work on this, I am, too. But before we can try, I have to know if you're really in this – if this is what you really want…because I can't take not knowing what will happen when we're apart. I can't live with wondering if you're with someone else. Because I won't be."
His eyes were focused on mine, and in that moment I wouldn't have been able to look away if I'd wanted to. Only one thought kept looping through my mind: He still wants me - he's going to give me a chance...
I squeezed my eyes shut, shaking my head as I tried to keep from blurting out, "I don't deserve this. I don't deserve for you to do this."
Instead, after a brief moment I managed to speak, my voice husky with emotion as I stammered, "You have no idea…how…I want to be with you so damn much. I've never…I feel…I-I want…" Clenching my jaw, I tried to find the courage to look him in the eye as I told him, "I fucked up. I fucked up more than I ever have before, and I've been so goddamn scared. And I…I am fucked up. T-there's something wr-wrong with m-m-me."
I hadn't stuttered since I was a teenager, barring the time Mike made me tell him what had happened with Paul the day after he and Eric took me in. I was scared, frustrated with myself, and feeling so incredibly out of my depth that I thought I might be drowning.
Running my fingers through my hair, I tugged at the strands hard enough to send jolts of pain through me. It was enough to pull my broken thoughts out as I muttered under my breath, "I don't know...what if I hurt him again? So fucked up...Need him..."
Finally, I turned to him, the need to say this too strong to hold back.
"I care about you, Edward. A lot. And I'm scared that maybe I can't even give you everything you're asking. Maybe I'm not even…whole…enough, but I want to try."
And then he had comforted me, had kissed me, apologized to me.
I still didn't quite understand it, how he could forgive me like that. I'd done it for Paul on countless occasions, but it had always been at the price of losing a part of myself. For Edward, that didn't seem to be the case at all. He truly seemed to mean it when he told me he wanted to work this out, that he cared for me, and I couldn't wrap my head around it. Part of me wondered why this was different, why he was able to forgive and have a measure of certainty in himself that I never had. What did that say about me? Was I too defective?
Lifting myself up a little more so I could see him better, I studied his face as if I could find answers there to the myriad questions running around my brain. There were some I didn't even dare admit to having because I feared the answers. I had to restrain myself from touching his cheek, as if by doing so I could take some of his sense of self into me by osmosis. Maybe then I'd be able to figure out why he could, and I couldn't.
Especially when he feels he's not going to be enough... How is he able to do it, when my actions reinforced his own fears?
I thought back to the conversation about Edward's relationship with Alistair. I wanted to berate the guy for being an idiot and treating Edward like that, when Edward had clearly had deep feelings for him. He'd wanted more with him, and Alistair had thrown it in his face, leaving Edward to believe he wasn't enough - would never be enough for someone to build a future with him. I knew without a doubt he was absolutely enough. He was amazing. The only question was if I would be able to give him everything he needed. After Paul, I'd resigned myself to never having that sort of relationship.
Then Edward had come along, setting my entire world on end. I felt myself wanting to be with someone again, not just to have someone to scratch an itch with, as I'd had in the past, but someone to care about and share a life with. And what had I done? I'd gone and built on Edward's fears by doing the very thing he'd been worried about with Alistair.
When I'd seen his pain as he was telling me about Alistair, about not feeling like he would ever be enough for anyone, I'd wanted to growl. The need to protect him had taken me by surprise, especially since I wasn't sure I could trust myself not to hurt him again. I'd wanted to reassure him, but didn't know what I could say, considering.
I kissed him instead, and then we ended up making out. I hadn't intended for it to happen, but when he deepened our kiss, it was as if a floodgate opened, and I could not stop.
As much as I wanted to keep going, I was grateful that Edward found the sense and strength to slow us down and, eventually, stop altogether. I tried to find the words to tell him that he was more than enough. Hell, he was more than I had ever hoped I would find, even before I'd messed things up. I could tell that he didn't really believe me, though - not that I could blame him. When he asked why, I couldn't help myself - I had to apologize again.
And then it was my turn. I started off - or tried to, at least - with Paul, but then Mike's words came back to me, reminding me that I needed to tell Edward everything. And that meant I needed to start from the beginning. I was determined, if scared as hell, especially after Edward had already shared and given so much.
Edward was silent as he listened to me while I told him about when I figured out I was gay, coming out to my family, experimenting with guys. I was telling him all of that in part because I wanted him to know everything, but also because I was stalling - fearing the moment I'd have to talk about Paul. I glanced at Edward once or twice, but couldn't quite make myself focus on him as I spoke. It was harder than I anticipated, and the closer I got to telling him about Paul, the more nervous I became.
When I got to telling him about college, I knew my time was up, yet I couldn't find the words. It felt as if they'd gotten stuck in my throat, lodged there without a means of getting out. In an effort to gain more time, I asked if he wanted a beer. I sure as hell could use one at that point.
As I walked to the kitchen, I kept muttering under my breath - a pep-talk of sorts, as I reminded myself I had to do this. Edward deserved to know, and if Mike was right, then this would be the only way to begin to clean up the mess I had made. I leaned against the counter and took a couple of deep breaths, trying to calm my heart, which felt as if it were about to race straight out of my chest.
"You can do this; you have to do this. Don't fuck this up, Jasper..."
When I got back to the den, Edward wasn't there - something I was quietly grateful for, as it gave me another minute to try to get myself together. I'd taken my seat again, propping my foot up on the table, though that didn't stop me from bouncing my knee. My nerves were too close to the surface to be able to control that habit. I heard the flush of a toilet and sank further into the couch, my shoulders automatically stiffening - not because it meant Edward would be back, but because it meant I had to talk about Paul.
The moment Edward settled into his seat, I started talking. My throat felt dry in spite of the fact that I'd been sipping my beer mere seconds before. I couldn't bring myself to watch him as I talked. I knew that if I did, I wouldn't be able to keep going, and I needed to be able to get through this - for him.
In my mind, it was as if everything that had happened was playing in Hi-Def, not allowing me to miss a single detail of any of it. I could feel the acid churning in my stomach the further along I got. Even after all these years, the revulsion I felt for what I had allowed to happen to me at the hands of someone who had claimed to love me left me feeling sick.
Even though I felt almost like I was reliving all the most horrifying memories of my past, the thing that kept me grounded was Edward. He sat there, silently listening as I got it all off my chest. I was aware of his reaction, the way he seemed to be collapsing under the weight of everything I had to tell him. I was terrified that it would be too much, that he would tell me to leave - that he couldn't handle it. I hated to see the way it hurt him, even though I felt a strange sense of joy that he cared enough about me to be hurt.
A soft moan reached my ears at the same time I felt Edward's hand brush against mine. His voice was gravely with sleep as he said, "Mmm, good morning, baby."
My eyes flickered from his face down to my hand, which was now resting on his chest and covered by his hand. I hadn't even realized I had been touching him, and I couldn't help the blush that crept up my cheeks at that. I hadn't intended to do it, and here I'd woken him up. Rationally, I knew it was about time to get up anyway, if we were going to meet up with Emily as was planned. Even so, I worried again whether it was welcome - whether I was welcome, still.
Edward didn't leave me wondering for very long as he put his free hand on the back of my neck and pulled me to him, kissing me tenderly. His murmured, "I'm glad you stayed," was followed by another more passionate kiss, effectively chasing away any worry I had.
He pulled me all the way on top of him as we continued, our hands caressing skin where we could find it, though neither of us went below the belt. It felt a little strange to be in sleeping pants still, but they served as a reminder to keep things chaste. Or as chaste as we were able, anyway.
After a few minutes - albeit much too soon to my liking - we stopped. Edward smiled at me, his hand cupping my cheek as his thumb brushed along my cheekbone. It was a small gesture on his part - and one that he had made often enough in the time that I'd known him - but I couldn't help but draw comfort and reassurance from it.
The alarm on my phone sounded, and we both made a grab for it. Neither of us was able to reach it from where we were lying in bed, so I rolled off of him in order to turn the phone off. Edward was chuckling softly, and when I moved back to face him, it was with a grin in place. My eye fell on my sketchbook, though, and the instant they did, my smile faded and a frown slid in its place.
Edward looked confused for a moment before following my gaze. His body stilled when he saw what I was looking at. He cleared his throat and then turned to face me again, a slight frown of his own marring his brow as his eyes searched mine. I reached over him, grabbed my sketchbook, and situated myself against the headboard, letting the book fall open in my lap. A smile flitted over my lips when it landed on a page of Edward's eyes, all in various stages of his orgasm - I wondered if he knew that was what I had drawn. I blushed at the thought, both hoping he did and didn't realize it.
My fingers traced several of the drawings as Edward sat down next to me. I looked up at him when I noticed him running his hands through his hair. His expression was one of concern, hesitance, and silent apology. I shook my head and grabbed his hand, squeezing it lightly.
"Mike told me what he did. I'm not mad - well, not anymore, anyway..."
He still looked a little uneasy, so I added, "I know what he told you..." I hesitated for a second before adding, "baby." I watched his eyes closely for a reaction, and when I saw them light up with a smile, I couldn't stop my own from forming. Clearing my throat, I said, "Mike and I had a long talk on Wednesday... Sure, I was mad at him for interfering, for giving you this," I nodded down at the sketchbook, "but now that I've had time to process things, I'm glad that he did it."
Edward gave me a somewhat skeptical look as he said, "You're glad he took something so personal and gave it to someone else?"
I gave him a half-smile. "Not someone...you. I realize why he did it." My eyes searched his for a moment. "Was he right? Did it...help?"
He put his palm on my cheek, turning my face more to his as he said, "Yes, it did." He glanced down at the page and grinned as his eyes found mine again. "You're very...talented...Jasper."
For a second, all I could do was look at him, and then we both started laughing at the double entendre. He leaned in, kissing me lightly on the lips, and said, "Seriously though, it did help. Your work is very expressive. It helped to be able to..." he paused, frowning as he seemed to think on how to say something. "To be able to see where your mind was, when you weren't able to tell me. Does that make sense?"
I nodded and sighed as I looked back at the sketchpad. I knew that a few pages behind the one that was open now, I would see the drawings of Paul's and Edward's eyes side by side. My jaw clenched at the thought of having compared them. My rational mind knew that Edward wasn't even close to Paul, as Paul never would have listened to me or tried to make me feel better - worthy - as Edward had done.
Swallowing hard, I lifted my eyes to find Edward watching me with concern. I whispered, "I'm so sorry, Edward..."
He took the sketchpad from me, putting it back on the nightstand before turning to me and wrapping his arms around me as he placed a soft kiss on my temple. "Shh, hush now."
Wrapping my arms around him, I rested my head on his shoulder. We sat like that for several minutes as I let his acceptance, comfort, and tenderness seep into my bones. When my alarm went off a second time, Edward patted my back lightly and said, "C'mon, baby, we'd better get up or we'll be late for meeting Emily."
I sighed. "Yeah, I know." I sat back, searching his eyes as I added, "You sure you want to go?"
Edward cocked a brow. "There's little I'd rather do than spend the day with you today, Cuddles. It'll be good to see Emily again. Believe it or not, I actually missed her...I missed hanging out with both of you last week. Besides, I seem to recall there are bowls waiting to be finished."
I felt something release in my chest at his words and leaned in, kissing him hard as my fingers tangled in his hair. He responded in kind, and I briefly considered forgetting about leaving, but quickly dismissed that thought. I'd never bailed on Emily, and much as I wanted to have Edward to myself, I wasn't going to start doing so now.
I pulled back, resting my forehead against his. "Thank you, Edward." My eyes were fixed on his, and I hoped that he knew that I didn't just mean for coming with me, but for...everything.
He grinned, pecking my lips, and murmured, "You're welcome, Jazz. Shall we?"
We took a shower again, each washing the other quietly, our movements as innocent as we could keep them since we didn't have time for anything more... not that I was certain anything would have happened even if there had been time.
Once we were both washed and dried, Edward lent me a pair of jeans and a t-shirt again. I hadn't brought anything because I hadn't anticipated staying the night, since I hadn't expected for him to forgive me or even listen to me. Being in his clothes made me feel more comfortable than I would've thought.
The drive to pick up Emily was a strange mix of familiar and uncomfortable. I had a lingering sense of doubt and foreboding whenever Edward lapsed into silence, and I nearly panicked when I wondered if it would always be this way. I didn't know how long I could take wondering if he was going to change his mind.
The light we were approaching was yellow, and when Edward slowed to a stop, he put the car in park and leaned over, kissing me hard. His fingers slid up the back of my neck, tangling in my hair, and I could feel want and need in the way he touched me. My tongue brushed his tongue ring, sending a thrill through me. For the first time since I fucked everything up, I let myself just enjoy it - and admit to myself that I wanted him. Badly.
When he pulled away, he gave me a tiny smile and muttered, "Sorry," turning back to face the road. As he put the car in drive and eased us forward, I reached over, squeezing his thigh. I wished I could tell him just how much moments like those meant to me.
I hoped he knew.
I relaxed minutely, sitting back in my seat. I left my hand on his thigh, and he reached down occasionally, rubbing my fingertips.
We were both smiling when we pulled up to Emily's dorm, but my face fell a bit when I saw her. She was sitting on the bench outside her building, reading a book as usual, but there was something about the way her shoulders slumped that I didn't like. She stood up and stuffed her book into her bag, and when she raised her head, she was smiling brightly at us.
I climbed out of the car and gave her a hug, murmuring, "Morning, Lee Lee."
She squeezed me tightly, but before I could ask her if she was alright, she squealed, "Edward!" and let me go, doing a weird little dance in the few feet it took her to get to him.
He laughed, and I smiled when I saw the way his eyes brightened as he hugged her. Something in my chest tightened, forcing me to breathe shallowly as I thought about what I'd nearly lost - not just for me, but for her as well. Edward caught my eye over her head, and the expression in his eyes was somewhere between pain and sympathy.
We locked gazes for a little too long, and when Emily pulled away, she noticed. "Hey? You guys alright?"
My mouth was suddenly dry. All sound hung in my throat, and I wasn't sure how to answer her.
Edward saved me by saying, "Yeah, we're fine, Lee. Just a little tired."
I expected one of two reactions. Typically, she would either have pressed the issue and demanded to know what was wrong, or she would've gotten that mischievous gleam in her eye and teased us about why we were tired.
She didn't do either. She just nodded and yawned. "Me, too."
I frowned at her, but she didn't notice. She was already climbing into the backseat. I exchanged a glance with Edward, who shrugged, but I noticed the little crease in his forehead.
I followed their lead and took my seat, but instead of buckling my seat belt, I turned around so I could see her face. "Lee Lee? What's wrong?"
"Nothing's wrong, Spurs. I'm just tired. I've got two more papers due this week, and my history class is kicking my butt."
I managed a small smile. "You need to get more rest, Lee. I'm worried about you."
She rolled her eyes at me and shook her head. Then she crossed her eyes and stuck out her tongue, just like she'd done when we were kids. I chuckled at her, but as she changed the subject, I couldn't shake a strange feeling that was building in my gut.
I didn't know what it was, but she seemed too evasive. I didn't like it.
"Did you have a good time in Tennessee?" she asked Edward. Immediately, my concerns about Emily were shoved into the background as my eyes flew to Edward's face.
His jaw clenched, and he swallowed before he met her gaze in the rear-view mirror. "I did," he finally said with a smile. I saw the tightness around his eyes and bit the inside of my cheek. "It was really good to see my family again. I missed our class, though. I hope you guys had fun without me."
She wrinkled her nose, shooting a teasing look my way. "It was alright. Jasper was all mopey."
I wanted to kick her - that is, up until I saw the smile that spread on Edward's face. "Mopey, huh?"
"Yup," she said simply. "He missed you."
I realized I was holding my breath and let it out slowly. It wasn't like I hadn't told Edward myself that I missed him. Having someone else say it, though, made it more real somehow. Edward seemed to think so, too, as some of the tension disappeared from his jaw, and his smile became more relaxed.
I knew I should've been teasing Emily, giving her a hard time to take the focus off of me, but I was too absorbed in watching the interaction between the two of them. The air was heavy in the car - much more than it should've been for a casual drive across town - and I listened in silence while they talked a little more about last week's class.
Edward eventually noticed my discomfort and reached over. He turned his hand palm up and left it between us. I smiled, feeling a little heat on my cheeks as I slipped my hand into his. I couldn't explain to myself why I liked that so much, but something about the gesture - about letting me make the choice - had me wishing we were alone.
It's going to be a long day.
Even though I was thrilled to be out with Emily, especially since I'd worried that I'd screwed this up for her, the atmosphere seemed tense because Edward and I were just still so...unsure. I knew it was going to take time - and a hell of a lot of work, especially on my part - and I was anxious to get
started.
Our breakfast at the bakery was a little subdued since none of us really seemed to be up for idle chatter. Emily and Edward talked photography a bit, and he promised to take her out soon so that she could practice with his camera again. When he mentioned possibly having her come over to his house to learn about the darkroom, I glanced up, catching his eye. He winked at me with an impish grin, and I covered my own grin with a bite of my rye toast.
By the time we got to the pottery studio, Emily seemed more herself again. I couldn't tell if she was just waking up or if there was something else going on, and that frustrated me to no end.
She led the way, hugging Carmen before showing Edward what we'd worked on last week. When she said, "Jasper cut your bowl," Edward shot me another mischievous smile. I chuckled, realizing that it felt really good to laugh again.
"Thanks," he murmured, and I nodded. I was afraid to answer. I felt tightly strung somehow, and I didn't want to say too much just then.
We spent some time glazing our bowls and getting them ready for the kiln. I was beginning to really enjoy the whole process now that we had bowls in every stage. It kept my hands busy, but my mind wandered.
I found myself watching Edward closely. From time to time, he felt my eyes on him and glanced up, smiling. I couldn't stop my beaming smile in response, even though I'd lower my head and try to concentrate again afterward. Occasionally I'd catch him frowning, and I wondered what he was thinking. I knew he was probably just focused on his work, especially since I knew firsthand how single-minded he could be, but I couldn't help the way my heart fluttered unpleasantly each time.
Everyone else in our class worked quickly and quietly. Now that we had the hang of things, Carmen put on classical music and let it play softly in the background. The whole studio was serene...or it would have been, if my mind wasn't in turmoil.
I worked myself up a few times, convinced that the grimace on Edward's face was because he knew I was watching him. When he stretched and rolled his shoulders with a sigh, I wondered if he was steeling himself for telling me that we were over.
Stop that.
I took a few calming breaths, scooping up the mess I'd made of my bowl and putting it to the side. I grabbed a new piece of wedged clay and started over. I tried to focus on the feeling of the clay beneath my fingertips and let everything else go, but it just didn't happen. By the time the others started carrying their bowls to the shelves and washing up, mine was still uneven.
Edward was working hard as well, but then, he always was. When Emily finished, she kissed me on the cheek before going to wash her hands. I saw Carmen glance between me and Edward with a smile on her face that grew when she saw the tip of his tongue peeking out between his lips. "So determined to be perfect..." she murmured fondly.
I thought about how true her words were as she and Emily disappeared for their now-typical cup of tea. Edward tried so hard at everything he did, no matter what it was, and I was just beginning to understand that that meant he tried equally hard at...well, us . Our...relationship, or however you wanted to describe it. I felt an ache in my chest that seemed to be a combination of shame and regret when I thought of how I'd nearly lost it all - lost him.
Breathing shallowly, I turned back to my bowl, determined not to wallow - at least not right now. He'd accepted my apology and, for whatever reason, wanted to be with me. All I could do was try not to fuck it up.
I finished and cleaned my station up before taking a seat on my stool and watching him. I could tell he was getting close to the end when his face began to relax into a smile. He ran his thumb near the base for a few more passes and then sat back, tilting his head as he studied his work.
He felt my eyes on him then and glanced up, his smile brightening when he met my gaze. He glanced around the room and colored slightly. "Oh, sorry...hope you haven't been waiting too long."
I grinned, shaking my head. "Nah, only finished a minute or so ago, myself." I got up and walked over to him. "Besides," I ran my fingers through his hair, "I like watching you work."
Edward stood up, carefully placing his arms around my neck without getting clay all over me. His eyes flitted between mine for a moment before he tilted his head just so and kissed me. I sighed softly into his mouth as I returned his kiss, letting him dictate how far he wanted to go, even if all I wanted to do at that point was to go home and show him how much I wanted him, how much he meant to me. Instead, I wrapped my arms around his waist and held him close, hoping he knew somehow.
He pulled back, humming appreciatively, and smiled, then laughed when my stomach rumbled. Rolling my eyes, I couldn't help but chuckle because there was a light in his eyes - it was one that I'd dimmed and was desperate to see shining brightly again. Kissing his lips, I murmured, "Shall we get you cleaned up so we can go to lunch?"
Grinning, he said, "Might be a good idea. Wouldn't want you to waste away, would we?"
He looked as if he were about to say something else, and I felt myself tense when the playfulness faded from his eyes. I knew it was one of those moments when he would typically joke about me needing to keep my strength up. The blank space left where those words should have been were like a punch to the gut, and I gave him a quick kiss before stepping back, turning away so he wouldn't see the hurt and fear in my eyes. I didn't know what I would do if we never got back to that place again.
I thought I heard Edward mutter something under his breath, but when I turned around again, he was walking to the sink to wash his hands. He'd already put his bowl away, so I took care of what was left before going to wash my hands again.
Right as I hung the towel back on its hook, Emily and Carmen returned. Emily walked up to me and hugged me around the waist as she looked from me to Edward and asked, "So, you two just about done? I'm starving."
My eyes flickered to Edward, who watched us both with a small grin. He shook his head slightly and muttered just loud enough for me to hear, "Jesus, you two really are too much alike for my own good..."
What prompted him to say that, I didn't know - nor did I know what it was, exactly, about what he said, but it made me uneasy. It nagged at me as they discussed where to go for lunch. I didn't pay any attention to where we were going because I was too caught up in my thoughts, so I let them lead me to the car. I noticed Edward watching me warily, but he didn't say anything. He did, however, put his hand on my thigh, silently letting me know he was there. Covering his hand with my own, I gave him a small smile.
It wasn't until we got to the pizzeria that I snapped out of it and turned to look at Emily in surprise. Normally, she always had a plan in mind for our dates, and, with the exception of breakfast at her favorite bakery, we hardly ever went back to a place. Stopping by the same pizzeria as last time was highly unusual.
She quirked a brow at me, crossing her arms over her chest. Her voice was challenging as she said, "What? I told you I was tired, Spurs. School's kicking my ass so I haven't had time to find a place for lunch, and I figured we liked this last time. Doesn't matter, right?"
I narrowed my eyes at her, trying to decide how much was truth and how much was...something else I recognized and was afraid to name. With a sigh, I ran my fingers through my hair, my voice a little flat when I said she was right, it didn't really matter. Edward had stayed quiet throughout, but I saw the way his eyes were flickering between us, his brow furrowed almost imperceptibly.
Emily and Edward got out of the car first, and when I closed the door behind me, it was to find Edward waiting next to me. The look of concern was genuine, and not solely for me. Neither of us spoke. Instead, Edward placed his hand on the small of my back, giving me a kiss before guiding me to the door.
Emily was already sitting at the table, apparently unwilling to wait for us slowpokes, as she called us once we took our seats. After checking the menu, we ordered a couple of baby spinach salads, unsweetened teas, and a buffalo chicken pizza. We talked about class while we waited for our food to arrive, keeping things relatively light. All the while, Edward kept contact with me, silently giving me support and comfort.
Once the food arrived, though, I reminded Emily about my trip to D.C. She narrowed her eyes at me and said, "You'll be back before class on Saturday, right?"
I nodded, swallowing the bite of pizza I'd just taken. "Mhmm, my flight's scheduled to arrive early Saturday morning. Should make it just fine, as long as y'all pick me up?"
My eyes flickered to Edward as I said it, though it had come out more as a question than the statement I had intended it to be. I wasn't entirely sure Edward would be okay with that - I hoped he would be. Edward gave me a crooked smile before turning to Emily.
"Sure. Lee, I can come pick you up first if you want, unless you'd rather we swing by on our way back into town?"
She smiled at him, her eyes twinkling mischievously as she said, "Hmm, I think you'd better pick me up if I want you two to make it to class on time. Lord knows how distracted you'll end up getting otherwise."
She winked at him. Part of me wanted to laugh, because she was right about us getting distracted - at least, she would've been before.
Knock it off, Whitlock. No sense in going back there constantly. Just focus on fixing this, instead.
I sighed. I wasn't very hungry anymore, so I ended up pulling the slice of pizza apart while I waited for them to be finished. At least he wanted to come pick me up. That was something. I frowned as I wondered why he hadn't said anything about taking me to the airport, too. Did he not want to? Had he only offered to pick me up because Emily had been there?
Jesus...
Edward and Emily continued talking, but I wasn't really paying any attention anymore. I looked up when I heard him say, "...lot like Jasper when you do that."
I looked from one to the other before turning to Edward with an eyebrow in question. He grinned slightly as he brushed hair off of my forehead - the simple gesture made me smile. When neither of them said anything, I asked, "When who does what, sweetheart?" I didn't even think about using the term of endearment, it just came out. For a split second, I wondered if I shouldn't have, but when his grin turned into a full blown smile, I sighed in relief.
He leaned in, brushing his lips lightly over mine before sitting back again. "When she tugs her hair like she just did. You do the same thing."
I frowned, mulling over what he'd said as my eyes turned to Emily, who was studiously looking anywhere but in my direction. I watched her closely for a while, only vaguely aware that our check was brought to the table and that Edward settled the bill. As soon as he had done so, Emily was out of her seat and, after kissing him on the cheek to thank him, she headed out the door. She cast a sidelong glance my way before stepping outside, and I sat in my chair, stunned.
What the hell is going on with her?
"Jasper?"
Blinking, I shook my head to clear it and then looked up at Edward, who was watching me with wary eyes. "Yeah, I'm coming..."
He held out his hand, and as soon as I grabbed it, he threaded his fingers through mine, squeezing lightly. I could tell he had questions, and I was certain that we'd talk later about what was going on, but I appreciated that he was holding off for now. Somehow, I doubted that it would go well if I brought up my misapprehensions for my sister right this minute - mostly because I still wasn't completely certain that it wasn't just a matter of my views being so damn colored by what happened with Paul.
When we got to the car, Emily was leaning against it, her arms crossed over her chest and her gaze down at the pavement. The only thing I could see was a slight frown on her brow. I hated seeing her like this, and I hated even more that I couldn't talk to her about what was going on... but most of all, I hated that she didn't want to talk to me about it. We had always been so close, but lately it felt as if there was a rift forming between us, and frankly, it sucked.
I realized I would have to talk to Emily soon about all of this, but it would take more time than I had before having to catch my flight tomorrow. I definitely didn't think it was wise to open that particular can of worms and then leave without some sort of closure. I knew now how much stress that put on me, on anyone, and I couldn't do that to my baby sister. I was the only family she had close by, and I refused to let her feel as if she didn't have anyone to turn to.
Resolving to catch up with her as soon as I got home again, I felt a little better. A very little. Letting go of Edward's hand so he could get into the car, I hugged Emily in silence and kissed the crown of her head. Her arms came around my waist, and she burrowed her face into my chest like she used to do when she was a child and was upset about something. It made me ache inside, even as it gave me some small hope that she still felt safe with me. She'd only ever done that with me and Daddy.
I murmured, "I love you, little sis."
A muffled, "I love you, too, Spurs," brought a small smile to my lips. After another minute, I let her go, and we both got into the car. Edward was patiently waiting for us, and he gave me a soft smile when he caught my eye.
We drove back to Emily's dorm in silence, each lost in our own thoughts. Edward had placed his hand between us again almost as soon as he had pulled out of his parking spot, and we sat hand-in-hand the whole way there. When he pulled up in front of her dorm, I got out to give Emily another hug, and to let her know she could always call on me. She nodded, kissed my cheek, and went to hug Edward.
Edward whispered something in her ear, and she nodded. I caught her, "Thanks, Edward. I'll keep it in mind," and then she was gone. I leaned against the side of the car, resting my hands next to me on the hood, my eyes trained on Emily as she walked into the building. Edward settled in beside me, and I could tell from my peripheral vision that his attention was mostly on me.
His tone was soft, laced with his own concern as he said, "You're really worried about her, aren't you?"
I lowered my gaze to my feet briefly, before looking up at him and nodding. "Yeah, I am. It's just...a little too familiar?"
He slipped his arm around my waist, hooking his thumb through my belt loop as he let his hand rest on my hip. Putting my own arm around his shoulders, I gave him a sideways hug and kissed his temple. I felt my eyes begin to sting, and I had to blink several times before my blurry vision cleared. I didn't know what it was exactly, but something about all of this made me want to cry - not for myself so much as for Emily...and Edward.
I sighed. My voice was low, and I knew Edward would have a hard time hearing me, but I couldn't bring myself to raise it as I said, "You remember James? Seeing him at that restaurant the day...the day I took you to the airport?"
He nodded but didn't speak.
"I'm afraid that..." I closed my eyes and swallowed hard. I so wished that my fears were baseless. I wished there were something I could do to make certain she'd never have to endure anything like I had. Opening my eyes again, I looked right at Edward. "I'm worried that he's her Paul."
He held me tighter, his brow furrowing as his eyes tightened. I swallowed again, having to fight against the sudden lump in my throat. I ran the fingers of my free hand through my hair, even as my thumb traced soothing circles over his shoulder. With a sigh, I said, "I don't know. Maybe...maybe it's nothing. But I just see so much of me in her...and there're all these little cues...tiny things that might mean nothing at all, but could mean everything, you know? And then what you said earlier about her being like me...I just...I..." I finished in a huff, unable to complete my sentence, or even my thought - it was too painful. If I let myself consider it, I would want to go find James and kick his ass like I'd never been able to do to Paul.
We stayed like that for a moment or two, neither of us speaking. Edward finally cleared his throat and said, "Come on; let's go home?"
I just nodded. He stood up, but instead of letting me go and getting in the car, he stood with his legs on either side of mine and wrapped both his arms around my waist. His eyes bored into mine, showing me the sincerity behind his words as he said, "Jazz, I told Lee to call me if she needed anything while you were gone. I'll keep an eye on her, if you want me to. With everything you've told me...everything I've seen... You're right to be worried. I am, too."
My eyes flickered between his as I processed what he had just said. He was worried, too. He had seen the signs, too. It wasn't just my own skewed perception. There was something going on, and the fact that he saw it, too, made me simultaneously feel better and worse. Better, because now I knew that I wasn't crazy and over-protective. Worse, because it meant that I wasn't crazy and there was genuine cause for concern.
And he had offered to look after her for me while I was out of town, to take care of her in my stead. He continued to amaze me - I didn't understand it, but I was humbled by it. I cupped his jaw with my hand, tracing his cheekbone with my thumb and whispered, "I don't deserve you..."
I hadn't meant to actually say the words out loud for him to hear. Nonetheless, it was the truth. There was the briefest flicker of disapproval in his eyes before it gave way to tenderness, and he leaned in to kiss me, stopping just shy of my lips to say, "None of that, Jazz," and then his lips were on mine. My hand moved so my fingers tangled in his hair instead, and I felt some of my tension, my anxiety, ebb away.
He pulled away, cupping my cheek in turn as he smiled softly at me. "Shall we?"
I nodded, pecking him on the lips once more before pushing off from the car and walking around it so I could get in. We drove to his house in silence once more, but it felt less weighted this time. There was still something lingering, but I thought it was because I knew I couldn't stay the weekend. I didn't want to go away, but I had to.
When we got to Edward's house, I noticed he appeared to be nervous. I watched him as he opened the door and let us inside, unsure as to what was going on. I felt on edge as I waited for him to say something, unwilling to be the one to bring down the sword I felt hanging above us. I made no move to take off my shoes like I normally would have, but neither did he. We stood in the hallway, both of us uncertain.
Finally, he sighed and bit his lip as his eyes searched mine. "Jasper, would you...do you want me to take you to the airport tomorrow?"
He looked worried, as if he were unsure his offer was welcome, which was ridiculous. I took his hand in mine, stroking the back of his with my thumb as I said, "Are you sure? You don't have to do that...but I'd love it if you did. I just don't want you to feel like you have to."
His smile was small, but genuine, and I thought I saw relief flicker in his eyes, along with something else I didn't recognize. He slipped his hand from mine, wrapping his arms around my waist, and kissing me lightly before murmuring, "I want to, baby. What time is your flight tomorrow?"
Slipping my arms around him, I told him I had to be at the airport by nine tomorrow night. I felt his arms tighten almost possessively around me, but instead of making me worry - as it would have, once upon a time - it made me feel good. It felt as if he was claiming me again, something I realized I needed him to do. Before I could guide us further along that path, though, he looked at me hopefully and said, "Will you stay? Until you have to leave tomorrow, I mean?"
I frowned; I wanted to tell him yes, not wanting to deny him anything at that point, but I couldn't. His face fell when I shook my head, and I hastened to explain. I couldn't stand to be the cause of more pain for him, and the look on his face was one of rejection and hurt.
"I can't, Princess. I still have to pack for my trip - get everything ready. I'm sorry."
He looked somewhat mollified by my explanation, if still disappointed. Shaking him gently, I smiled softly at him and said, "Hey...you want to come to my place? I...I'm not quite ready to let you go just yet, either."
It was almost as if a light turned on behind his eyes - and his smile. I didn't get to enjoy either for very long, though, because he kissed me hard, and my eyes shut of their own accord as I returned his kiss with equal fervor. I was breathless by the time he pulled away, still smiling widely. Clearing my throat, I raised an eyebrow and grinned. "I take it that means 'yes'?"
He chuckled, pecking my lips again, and said, "Better believe it, Cuddles. Give me a few minutes to pack a bag, and we can go?"
I nodded and went into the den to wait for him while he took care of things. After a few minutes, he was back, bag in hand and jingling his keys. I grinned, shaking my head in amusement at his enthusiasm.
"Hey, do you want to leave your car here, since I'm driving you to the airport and picking you up anyway? I'll keep an eye on it for you while you're gone."
When I got to him, I put my hand on his hip and smiled. "Thanks, I appreciate it."
Before long, we were driving to my apartment. Although we started out feeling as close to normal as possible, the air in his car grew heavy as we made the trip. I could tell Edward was tensing up the closer we got to my place because he was gripping the steering wheel tighter, his jaw flexing. I was certain his anxiety was for largely the same reason as mine - what if we ran into Jason? I didn't know how Edward would take it, or if Jason would do anything, or what I was supposed to do. All I knew was that I couldn't find the words to make this better. Nothing seemed adequate.
We made it to my apartment without any run-ins, though, and I was grateful for the stay in execution. But my relief was short lived as I took a look at the mess that was my apartment at the moment. I hadn't done much in the way of housework this past week, having been too preoccupied and worried to care. I normally never let things get this out of control - dirty dishes were left wherever I'd used them, clothes were spread out, my dining room table was cluttered with my drawings, and there were work papers all over my coffee table. My cheeks burned as I glanced at Edward, whose eyes roamed the place. He'd only been here twice, and I couldn't help but wonder what he was thinking.
"I...shit...I'm sorry..." I ran my fingers through my hair in frustration and sighed. "Go ahead and take a seat...make yourself at home while I try to..." I waved my arm around, hoping he understood. I had never been as embarrassed at bringing a guy home as I was right then.
Edward eyed me carefully, then nodded. I didn't wait around to see what he was doing, opting to gather some of the dishes before starting a pot of coffee. As I was puttering around the kitchen, I tried to calm myself down. It did me no good working myself up over the state of my home. All I could do was try to clean up the mess as best I could - just like with Edward himself.
When I walked back into the living room, it was to find Edward standing by the dining room table, looking at the drawings lying there. He was moving them around and, at times, lifting them up to get a better look. I couldn't decipher his mood, as his face was mostly angled down, but I could tell he was frowning. I knew what he was seeing by heart because I'd been obsessing over them for the past week.
They were a mixture of Edward, both happy and in pain; of Paul, pure loathing and darkness; of a mirror, shattered but reflecting parts of someone; of a darkened bar; of two faceless men dancing...They were all rough, done in charcoal, all harsh lines and raw emotion that needed to get out. I didn't move or speak - I couldn't. I was too afraid of his reaction, a fear that intensified when he finally looked up and saw me watching him.
The minute his eyes leveled with mine, and I saw again the jumble of emotions reflected in them, I felt the apologies tumbling from my lips in a desperate attempt to just make it stop. My fingers knotted in my hair, my eyes stinging as I tried to keep my own emotions in check. I couldn't understand how it was possible that hurting him hurt me more than any blow I'd ever received from Paul. I just wanted to stop it from happening again.
I still hadn't moved. It was as if I was rooted to the spot, afraid to get too close. Edward had no such hesitation or worry, and he was in front of me, cupping my face as his eyes met mine. His lips were a scant hair's breadth from mine when he whispered, "Stop, Jazz, you don't need to," and then he closed the distance with a lingering kiss that was nothing but tenderness and caring.
He let go of my face only to pull me closer and hold me in his arms. We simply stood like that for a while, our arms around each other as we kissed. No rush, no hard need, just...connecting, healing. For every minute that passed, I felt a small piece of me slide back into place - some pieces I hadn't known I'd been missing, others I had whacked out of joint with my own stupidity. It didn't seem to matter; Edward was here with me, and in spite of everything, he was a balm to my soul, whether he even knew it or not. Hell, I was only beginning to realize how true that was - especially after these last couple of weeks. And I wasn't at all sure I could voice it.
After a while, he pulled away, his eyes searching mine, a smile forming on his lips as if he was pleased with what he found. I frowned a little, tilting my head in question. "What?"
He grinned, shaking his head. "Nothing, you just look...better. I don't know..." He gave a half-shrug and then pecked my lips. "More...relaxed."
I didn't know what to say to that, so I shrugged and cleared my throat. "I started some coffee; can I get you a cup?"
The grin remained in place even as his eyes tightened a little. "Sure."
He gave me a chaste kiss and let me go, but I couldn't resist touching him again, so I brushed the hair out of his face, which earned me a content smile. Before heading into the kitchen for the coffee, I put all the drawings away. I didn't want the reminder there, not when Edward was here and it looked like I hadn't completely screwed things up for us after all.
I took my time in the kitchen, washing a few things by hand while I waited for the last of the coffee to drip into the pot. As I poured us both a cup, I realized I didn't have any Splenda. I never used it, but I knew Edward took both Splenda and creamer in his coffee.
"Shit..." I muttered under my breath. I usually used milk in my coffee, since I didn't drink it at home often enough to bother with getting creamer. Mom had included some individual packages to try in one of the care packages she still sent me occasionally. I always told her not to bother, that I was perfectly fine to get things on my own, but she enjoyed sending us a little something from time to time to let us know she was thinking of us. If I remembered correctly, there were still a few left and, after rummaging around my cupboards for a bit, I struck gold.
Holding the last two creamers in my hand, I hoped it'd be enough. I made a mental note to buy Splenda and creamer for Edward the next time I was at the store and then placed the creamer on a tray, added milk to my cup, and put the sugar bowl between our cups. I took a deep breath, trying to center myself again before going back into the living room. I still needed to clean up the mess in there, and I didn't like that I'd have to do so in his presence.
"Get a grip, Whitlock," I muttered.
Picking up the tray, I headed back to living room and was once again rooted to the spot as soon as I stepped in. Edward had stacked the paperwork on my coffee table and gathered the clothes that had been scattered about. What he'd done with them, I had no idea because I couldn't see them anywhere.
I couldn't see him, either.
Placing the tray down on the coffee table, I called out, "Edward?"
I'd just straightened back up when I felt his hand on my lower back. "Yes?"
Turning around, I saw a faint blush creep up Edward's cheeks - one that very likely matched my own at the idea of him dealing with my dirty laundry. The irony was not lost to me. My voice was hoarse, and I took his hand in mine in the hope of avoiding any misunderstanding. "Christ, Edward, you really didn't have to do that...you shouldn't have to..."
He silenced me by cupping my jaw and running his thumb over my lips. "I wanted to," he murmured. I honest to God didn't know what I'd done to deserve someone like him, but I knew that I would do whatever it took to prove that I was worthy of him.
He smiled softly and said, "You've helped me with laundry, too. Remember? Let me help, Jazz. I don't mind it; I want to do it. Please?"
I wasn't entirely sure we were still talking about household chores, but I simply nodded and kissed him. I pulled away, clearing my throat as I looked at him sheepishly. "I'm sorry; I don't have any Splenda in the house, sweetheart. Is sugar okay?"
He grinned. "I think I can survive a cup or two with sugar, yes."
I chuckled. "Well, good, because you can have the last two creamers I've got, then. It's milk after that, I'm afraid. I don't generally use the stuff at home."
"Thanks, baby." He put his coffee together, and after taking a couple of sips, he looked at me and said, "So, put me to work. I know you have laundry to do...if you show me where your machines are, I'll start that?"
We spent the next hour or so straightening up my place. It felt kind of weird, since I'd never had any help with that sort of stuff before, but it was nice, too. There was something relaxing about doing chores with Edward, just like when I'd helped him do laundry before his trip to Tennessee. It was oddly comforting, in a way.
By the time everything was done, it was nearing dinner time, and I had no idea what to do. Edward suggested takeout, which was fine with me. We perused the menus from a couple of places and ended up ordering from Quizno's. After calling in the order, I told Edward to pick something to watch. I wasn't in the mood to leave the apartment. I just wanted to relax and be with him, and he seemed to be of the same mind.
He looked through my collection of DVDs while I went to get us both a bottle of water. By the time I came back, he had already put in the DVD and had everything ready to go. I sat on the couch and smiled when he sat right next to me, hitting play before settling into my side with his legs pulled up next to him. I put my arm around his shoulder and kissed his temple, murmuring, "So what did you pick?"
He looked at me with a grin as he said, "See for yourself."
I could hear the familiar sound of a guitar playing in the background, but in that moment I couldn't take my eyes away from Edward. When I heard a guy singing, "Is there anybody going to listen to my story, all about a girl who came to stay..." I quirked a brow and grinned, kissing him before shifting my attention to the screen. I squeezed his shoulder and mumbled, "Should've known you'd pick Across the Universe."
He shrugged, tilting his head a little as he looked at me and said, "You can't dislike the movie too much if you own it."
I chuckled, smiling when I felt his warm hand rest on my thigh. "True, I wouldn't have bought it if I didn't like it. Have you seen it yet?"
"Mhmm. Kate and I went to see it the week it came out."
We sat and watched in silence for the most part, though Edward hummed along to the songs. Every time he did, I glanced at him, a grin tugging at my lips as I squeezed his shoulder. He tilted his head and rested it on my shoulder briefly, his thumb brushing along my thigh.
The bell rang right as Jude met his father for the first time, and Edward hit pause while I went to answer the door. I paid the delivery guy, and when I got back to couch, Edward had scooted over a little so we both had room to eat comfortably. He hit play again as soon as I sat down, and we ate in silence.
When we were done eating, we paused the movie again to quickly wash up and grab some more to drink before settling back on the couch. This time, I sat with my back against the side, with my leg stretched out so that Edward could sit between my legs. Once we were comfortable and my arms were wrapped around him, he hit play, and we watched the rest of the movie...sort of.
I couldn't help myself and kept touching him, kissing his neck or his mouth when he turned around. He apparently felt the same way, as his own lips and hands explored me. My fingers slipped under his shirt, needing to feel his skin. It was all innocent enough. Neither of us intended to go much further at that point, but it helped to make me feel like we were becoming us again, the way we used to be.
After the movie ended, Edward half-turned to face me and placed his palm on my cheek. His smile was tender, if small, when he said, "You still have to pack, right? Why don't we get that done now, then maybe go to bed after?"
I glanced at the clock and then turned to look at him with a raised eyebrow. "A little early, isn't it? Especially for you?"
He gave me a half-grin, tilting his head as he said, "Yeah, I just figured it'd be more comfortable than the couch."
Chuckling softly, I gave him a chaste kiss and murmured, "Whatever you want, sweetheart."
He simultaneously quirked a brow and narrowed his eyes a little at that but didn't say anything. I kissed him again, patting his thigh gently, and said, "C'mon, pack and then bed."
I tried to hide the hope as well as the fear I felt about going to bed with him. The one and only time he'd been in my bed was etched in my mind, and I wanted to be with him like that again. I knew and understood why he was reluctant to get back to that part of us, but the thought of spending a week apart without knowing that we were going to be us again in every sense just about killed me. I wanted him - and that wasn't just my aching cock talking.
He helped me gather the papers and other things I would need for my meetings. I checked my email to make sure I hadn't received anything that pertained to my trip and then packed the laptop away in its case. That done, we went to the bedroom where Edward helped me pack my suitcase and garment bag.
I was amused and touched by the reverence with which he handled my clothing, especially the ties. I couldn't help but smile when I thought back to our first date when he'd so carefully removed my tie and put it out of the way so it wouldn't get dirty or damaged. When he caught me watching him, he straightened up after putting one of my shirts in the suitcase and said, "What?"
Shaking my head with a grin, I said, "Nothing. Was just remembering our first date is all."
I zipped up the garment bag and felt his arms slip around my waist. "What about it?"
Turning around in his arms, I placed my hands on his hips and pecked his lips, murmuring, "It's nothing, really. Watching you just now made me think of how careful you were with my tie that day...that's all."
He raised his hand to my cheek, caressing my cheekbone with his thumb as his eyes held mine. His voice was quiet, sincere, as he said, "I try to take care of the things that matter to me."
His words were meant to soothe and reassure - I knew they were - but the knot that still resided in my stomach tightened at the sound of them. He mattered to me, and I hadn't taken care of him.
He must have seen my reaction on my face, because his lips were on mine in an instant, alternately kissing me hard and whispering, "I'm sorry."
I pulled back enough so I could look at him, a sad smile the only thing I was able to manage right then as I shook my head. With a soft sigh, I rested my forehead against his. "Don't be. I know what you meant; and I know that I didn't. For that, I'm sorry."
His expression was pained, which in turn hurt me because I knew I was the reason - again. I wrapped my arms around him and hugged him to me as I rested my head on his shoulder. I felt his arms shift to hug me back as tightly as I was holding him, and I smiled when his lips pressed against my pulse point. I kissed him right below his ear, wishing I knew how to show him - here and now, not just down the road - how much he meant to me, how sorry I was for hurting him.
Tightening my arms around him, I sighed softly. I wasn't sure where to go from here, what to do, and I needed some familiarity to hold onto. I knew what I wanted, but I also knew that Edward needed to be ready for us to go there again. My eyes fell on the small sketchpad on my nightstand that I used to sketch out dreams if I needed to in order to let them go. Normally I kept it in the drawer, but I'd used it often this past week.
I bit my lip as I thought about it for a moment, and then I pulled back so I could look at Edward. "Princess, I'd like to draw you...may I?"
He looked a bit puzzled, frowning a little as he tried to work out what I meant. I wasn't sure I'd be able to explain myself, but I tried anyway.
"I just need to...capture you. Not from memory, but here...with me, now. I don't know if I'm doing this right, but..." I frowned, sighing as I ran my fingers through my hair in frustration. My eyes traveled around my room once before landing on his again, and I continued, "I guess I just need to have this be...feel..."
He cupped my cheek, smiling tenderly as he added quietly, "Real?"
Leaning into his touch, I smiled, glad that he seemed to understand. "Yeah, something like that."
He pressed his lips to mine in a sweet kiss before brushing the tip of his nose against mine. "Alright. How do you want me?"
I bit the inside of my cheek but wasn't able to stop myself from grinning. When he quirked his brow with a grin of his own, I said, "Was that a trick question, Dr. Masen?"
He rolled his eyes, kissing me chastely, and murmured, "You wish."
You have no idea...
I sighed, and I might have pouted a little, too, because he started laughing and shook his head. Grinning crookedly, I asked him to undress and lie down on my bed while I grabbed my big sketchpad and a couple of pencils. I didn't want to use color, as I preferred the reflectiveness of black and white for what I wanted to achieve. I could've used charcoal instead, but I quickly discarded that idea because I wanted this drawing to feel different from the ones I'd drawn out of despair. The softer look of pencil would work better here.
When I walked back into my room, Edward was lying on my bed - naked. I had to swallow hard a few times, taking steady breaths to keep from simply shedding all my clothes and jumping him. Clutching the pencils and pad tightly in my hands, I walked over and placed them on the other side of the bed before getting undressed myself, leaving my boxers on. I was certain he wouldn't want anything yet, and this way I could at least attempt to remind myself to keep from crossing that line.
I settled myself at the foot of my bed, sitting Indian style so I could balance the sketchpad on my legs. I allowed myself a few moments to take him in. He was lying on his left side, his head propped up on his arm as he watched me watch him, his eyes shimmering with emotions I couldn't quite make out. There was a faint blush on his cheeks, and he kept biting his bottom lip and releasing it only to repeat the movement again. It was cute, and damn sexy...and he knew it.
His right arm was resting over his side, his fingers running over the covers. I recognized this for what it was: a need for tactile stimulation, something I'd both seen and felt him do often. On the surface he looked relaxed, but I could tell that he was nervous from the way his eyes kept flickering over my body and face, as well as the way his fingers kept twitching as if itching to touch something other than the cotton of my bedspread. The only times I'd drawn him before this were from memory, except for the night he'd helped me watch Bella. He'd been largely unaware of what I was doing then. Posing for me was different, and I appreciated the fact that he trusted me that much.
I had to let him know, so I smiled at him and said, "Thank you."
His eyes searched mine briefly before he nodded, a smile of his own touching his lips as he said, "You're welcome."
After another minute of simply watching him, observing the way his muscles played with every breath and shift of his limbs, I began to draw. My focus was now on the paper, then on him, only to return again.
As I drew, we talked. He asked me if I'd ever done this before, and I didn't need to ask him to clarify. I lifted my gaze to meet his so he could see the sincerity of my answer when I told him no. He searched my eyes for a moment and then released a breath I hadn't realized he was holding. I wondered if he'd been aware of doing that but didn't feel the need to ask him. We smiled, and I went back to my work.
As I was starting on the more detailed parts of the drawing, I chuckled when the thought struck me that this wasn't much different than him taking all those pictures of me that first day. When I said as much, he laughed and said, "Yeah, I guess it's kind of turn-about's fair play. Though you still had your clothes on, Mr. Whitlock."
He arched his eyebrow and grinned mischievously at me. I paused what I was doing, laying the pencil down against the corner of the page, and looked at him with a smirk of my own as I said, "Ah, but I seem to recall that very nearly not being the case...and besides, you already had me half-naked to begin with. Not my fault you didn't get any further."
He narrowed his eyes for a moment and then laughed as he said, "Touché, baby."
We lapsed into silence for a while as I continued to draw him. Every time I looked up, it was to find his eyes on me and a content smile on his face. I found myself returning the smile in kind as a sense of peace fell over me, though it wasn't complete by any means. I couldn't help but wonder what he was thinking and if his mind might possibly be elsewhere.
I was sketching in his tattoos as best I could, finishing up the last one, when I finally couldn't keep myself from saying what had been niggling in the back of my mind. My eyes flickered briefly to his before turning back to the page, and I frowned slightly as I said, "I like it when you smile like that, Edward. I want to keep that smile on your face..." I had to lower my voice, unable to speak out loud for fear of their reception, irrational though that fear might've been. "I want to be the one that makes you happy...if I can."
I couldn't make myself look up and meet his gaze, even though I could feel his eyes on me. I kept on brushing the lead of my pencil on lines that didn't need further detailing, just needing something to do as I felt my heart hammer in my chest.
He gave no response, so I kept my eyes down, fixated on what my hands were doing. When I finally felt the bed shift, I held my breath, unsure of what to expect, though I couldn't keep from hoping. I didn't look up until his hands pried the sketchpad and pencil from mine and put them down on the nightstand.
He cupped my face in both his hands, his eyes boring into mine as he said, "You do, Jasper...and I want to make you happy, too."
I swallowed, my hands rising to cover his before sliding down his arms to his elbows. It felt like we sat like that for a long time, when in truth it couldn't have been more than a minute. He kept his eyes on mine as he closed the distance between us, and I whimpered softly as his lips found mine.
The kiss started off slow, but before too long it was urgent, needy, passionate. I shifted to sit on my knees, our lips never breaking contact as I pulled his body closer, my arms locking around him to keep him in place. The feel of being chest to chest with him again without the barrier of clothes other than my boxers was almost too much.
And yet it was not nearly enough. I needed to feel him - all of him. His hands were roaming my back and ass, slipping under the waistband of my boxers to tease me, only to move up to my shoulders and repeat their journey down. It was maddening to feel his need hard against me, his desire seeping into my very pores through every lingering touch, and not to have him.
If he slowed us down this time, I wasn't sure what I would do - how I would be able to take it, especially knowing I would be gone until next weekend. As it was, I wasn't sure how I was going to last yet another week without being with him. It was something beyond simply being horny or being in lust, or whatever you wanted to call it. I craved his touch, his intimate warmth, the heights that only he had ever been able to show me.
I was slowly beginning to understand that those heights existed only because of him, and I needed to know they were still there. I needed for him to show them to me again, not just on a physical level, but one that was hidden deep inside of me.
Pulling away, I cupped his jaw, resting my thumb by his ear as my eyes searched his, pleading quietly for him to understand even as I whispered, "Please, Edward, I need to be with you. I can't imagine going away and not knowing...please show me..."
I wasn't sure I was making sense, but I thought he understood what I was trying to say. He hesitated, and I felt my heart constrict with the certainty he would tell me no. My voice wavered as I pleaded again, softer this time, "Please, Edward...show me you need me, too."
His eyes flashed with heat, burning away the pain and vulnerability in both of us for the moment. His lips crashed to mine once more, and it was a long time before we separated. When we did, he kissed and nipped along my jaw until he reached my ear and whispered in a raspy voice, "I need you, too, Jazz. You have no idea..."
I whimpered, my blunt nails scratching his back lightly as I tried to find purchase on his skin. "Show me...please. Make me yours again."
My voice almost broke on the last part, and I heard Edward gasp softly in my ear as his hold on me tightened. Next thing I knew, he was peppering my skin with kisses as he worked his way slowly down, his hands preceding their journey, ridding me of my boxers and coaxing me to lie on my back. I complied willingly to every silent command, relief flooding my senses with the knowledge that his need for me was as great as mine for him. In that moment, I was able to let go of some of the fears that had held me back, and I could feel something in me shift - almost as if my heart was a kaleidoscope that was turning to create a new image. The colors and shapes were still forming as Edward showed me with lips, fingers, and whispered words how much his view had changed, too.
Edward took his time preparing us, making sure I was ready for him in every sense, and only when he was satisfied that I was did he enter me. I was on my back, with my legs pulled up and my feet flat on the bed while my hands roamed every inch of his skin they could touch as I held him close to me. It was simple. It was intimate. It was pure heaven.
The steady rhythm he set allowed us both to feel the connection to its fullest, and he made sure to give me every moment of bliss that he could provide with every thrust of his hips. I didn't let him move far enough from me to allow either of us to touch my aching cock trapped between us. The friction was enough to push me to the point of needing release but left me unable to get there.
Whispered words were traded back and forth in between heated kisses until finally he pushed himself up so he could get us both to where we wanted to be. My hand automatically went to wrap around my length, but he batted it away, shifting his weight to one arm so he could be the one to send me flying. I wasn't going to argue. Instead, I simply let myself feel everything he was doing, everything he was giving me, and everything I wanted to give him.
A few sure strokes, a couple of hard thrusts, some pleading words from each of us, and we were both crying out our release. He collapsed on top of me, his breath panting in my ear as he nestled his face in my neck. His lips brushed against my sweat-slickened skin as my arms wrapped tight around him. We were oblivious to the mess we'd made of ourselves yet again. Right then, I didn't care - I just felt whole for the first time in two weeks, possibly even my life.
We stayed like that for long minutes, just soaking in the blissful state that always followed in the wake of release. Edward's fingers ran idly through my hair as I rubbed his lower back, neither of us willing to move apart. After a while, though, it became too uncomfortable, and he slid off of me, disposing of the condom before quietly slipping into the bathroom. He came back almost at once with a wet cloth and cleaned me with soft caresses and tender kisses. When he was done, he went to put the sullied cloth in the bathroom. It was silly, but it made me smile that he didn't put it in the hamper. It was a small gesture, but a touching one, since he knew I wouldn't be doing laundry again until after I got home.
While he was gone the second time, I moved across the bed so I could flip the covers back and settle under them. I held it out for him in invitation as soon as he walked into the room again, and he slid beside me with a smile. He molded himself around me, resting his head on my arm so we could talk a little while longer. He threw a leg across mine and placed his arm over my chest, his fingertips caressing my shoulder. Our conversation didn't last long, and sleep soon pulled both of us under.
Long hours passed, and when I awoke, I knew something was different, though it took my still half-asleep mind a moment to figure out what it was. Edward was here, with me, in my bed, and he wasn't going anywhere. Once I realized that, I felt the smile spread over my lips - lips that were almost immediately covered by his in a tender kiss. I hummed as I threaded my fingers through his hair, opening my eyes when he pulled away and rested his chin on his arm, which was lying on my chest.
"Good morning, beautiful."
I stretched my arms over my head before wrapping them around him. "G'mornin', sweetheart. How long have you been awake?"
My voice was still heavy with sleep, and even I could hear my thickened accent. I chuckled at the grin I saw on his face as he said, "Not sure...about a half hour, maybe?"
Frowning slightly, I said, "Why didn't you wake me up?"
It was the best night's sleep I'd had since before he had left for Tennessee, and I was glad for that. I knew my restful sleep was due to him and because we'd talked...because he'd shown me he still wanted me, cared for me - needed me - in the way only he could.
Even so, part of me wished he'd woken me up. I didn't want to miss any time with him, and I'd be leaving tonight. He lifted himself up slightly and brushed his thumb over my brow, smoothing it as he said, "Because you looked too peaceful. I know you haven't been sleeping well, baby." He grinned. "Besides, you have no idea how cute you look when you're asleep, and I enjoyed being able to watch you to my heart's content."
I narrowed my eyes a little, fighting the grin that wanted to break out. "Cute, huh?"
His grin widened. "Yep. Very."
"I'll give you cute, Masen."
Before he realized what was happening, I had us flipped over so he was on his back while I straddled his thighs. I grabbed his wrists, holding them in one hand over his head, while the other went straight for his most ticklish spots and attacked. He tried to wriggle away, but I was relentless, and soon he was laughing, panting, begging me to stop. "Oh, fuck...Jazz...please..."
He could have freed his hands if he'd really tried - we both knew it, since he was easily my match - but he didn't. When I finally stopped, we were both breathless from laughing. I still held his wrists in my hand as I hovered over him, our eyes locked and burning. I don't know how long we stayed like that, but it was as if we were caught in a web and neither of us wanted to break free.
I could feel both of us harden as our cocks brushed together, and I had to stifle a moan. I knew I wanted to go further, but I needed to wait for his assent. Last night was one thing because the emotions and need behind that act were confirmation and reaffirmation of our relationship. Now, though, it would be want and need and lust...something I didn't feel right starting without him showing me it was okay. I hated feeling unsure because I wanted to just be us again - completely. As I stared into his eyes, I wondered how long it would take to get there again.
Edward's whispered, "Please, Jasper..." brought me out of my thoughts. A whimper escaped me as I kissed him hungrily and lowered myself on top of him so every inch of our skin touched. My hand kept his in place, but my grip was loose now, not even attempting to hold him there; he stayed put anyway. He bucked his hips into mine as we ravaged each other's mouths.
He pulled away just far enough to moan as my lips found their way down his neck, over his Adam's apple, and along his jaw until they returning to his.
"Jasper..."
I reached for my bedside table, grabbed the lube and a condom, and began to prepare him. He stayed as still as possible while I rolled the condom down his length and then made sure I was ready for him.
When I met his eyes again, they were burning with desire, but they also held a silent question. It was one I didn't know how to answer, so I leaned over and kissed him deeply before lowering myself onto him. I knew he'd probably expected me to top this time, but I just...couldn't. Not yet. I didn't feel I had earned that right again, and in part I still needed this - needed him to claim me once more.
He said nothing, though, instead giving me what I wanted - what we both did - as we moved together. It was different than the first time we'd come together like this; it was slower, almost like we'd choreographed our movements. It was no less intense, though, and it felt just as good as he hit the innermost parts of me again and again. He brought his arms down at last, his hand wrapping around my cock as he stroked it in time with every thrust.
It didn't take either of us very long before we both came, our breathing labored, our bodies slick with sweat, sticky with cum. He pulled me to him, holding me tight as we kissed. He didn't let me go again until well after we'd both calmed down, but I was far from complaining - there wasn't anywhere else I wanted to be.
We took a shower together, cleaning each other with quiet reverence. I almost wished we could take a long bath, but showering like this was quickly becoming one of my favorite ways to be with him. We still hadn't really spoken by the time we were dressed, but it didn't feel like a heavy, weighted silence. It was, to me at least, quiet born from comfort.
I cleared my throat sheepishly when my stomach grumbled loudly, causing Edward to chuckle. He walked up to me and grabbed my hand, pecking me on the lips before pulling me out of my bedroom and into the kitchen. "C'mon, let's see if we can scrounge up something to eat."
He took stock of my inventory, noting that I had little in the way of food left in the house. I could tell this didn't surprise or upset him in the slightest, knowing I would be gone for a week. I had enough ingredients left to make pancakes, at least, so we set to work on those. I used up the last of my eggs to make scrambled eggs as well, and I toasted the remaining slices of bread. My pantry and fridge would definitely need re-stocking when I got home because by the time we were done, there was only enough milk left to use in a couple of cups of coffee.
I smiled as I watched Edward flip the pancakes with practiced ease. He looked to be completely in his element in the kitchen, and I wondered if there was anywhere he wouldn't be comfortable. So far, I had yet to discover any such place.
We worked well together, too, I noted. This struck me as strange because, aside from the occasional dinner with Emily, I'd never really cooked with anyone before. Paul didn't teach me to cook; he had me learn on my own. And when I lived with the guys, we'd taken turns, some of us almost burning down the house a few times in the process. At home, Mama loved taking care of us too much to allow anyone to help her with anything other than prep, if she even let us do that.
It felt nice, working alongside him like this, and I caught him several times as he glanced at me with a smile. When I mentioned that it was the first time we'd cooked together, he grinned and said, "Yeah, kinda nice, huh? I'd like to do it again, too." He kissed me briefly and added, "Maybe when you get
back we can figure something out?"
Brushing the hair from his face, I gave him a crooked smile of my own and said, "I'd like that."
As we cleaned up after our late breakfast, I asked him what he wanted to do for the rest of the day. He put his hand on the nape of my neck, his eyes on mine as he said, "Would you mind if we just stayed in? Maybe watch a movie or something?"
I turned to him, cupping his cheek and watching his eyes slide closed for a moment as he leaned into my touch. I kissed his forehead and murmured, "Not at all. I don't think I'm ready to share you just yet."
We ended up spending the afternoon cuddled up on the couch, watching the Pirates of the Caribbean movies. Both of us commented from time to time on Captain Jack Sparrow - and Johnny Depp, of course. It was fun, relaxed...recharging.
When the credits started rolling for World's End, I couldn't keep from sighing because it meant that it was time to get ready to leave. I didn't want to. Edward turned around in my arms and placed his hand on my cheek as he gave me a half-smile. He murmured softly, "I know, baby," and kissed me tenderly for a moment before adding, "but we'd better get you ready to go. I want to take you to dinner before you leave."
I frowned a little and bit my lip. "You don't have to, Princess..." He looked like he was about to interrupt, so I placed my fingers over his lips and smiled as I added, "but I'd like that very much."
He pursed his lips, kissed my fingers lightly, and smiled. Moving my hand to cup his cheek, I leaned in and brushed my lips against his with a soft hum. He pulled away and looked at me as he said, "So, where would you like to go?"
I shook my head. "Wherever you want to go is fine, baby."
His eyes narrowed, and he started, "Jazz..."
I placed my thumb over his lips, silencing him. "I'm serious, Edward. I don't really care where we go. As long as I'm there with you, that's all that matters."
His eyes searched mine, and I could tell he was considering something. I bit my lip, waiting for a response from him. I remembered his reaction the few times I'd said something similar, and I knew he had to be worrying that this was like Paul. After all, hadn't I worried the same thing countless times? But I didn't know how to explain to him that this was different. It wasn't that I was afraid to voice my opinion. I actually was voicing it. I realized that I'd never really admitted to him - or myself - that being with him was all that mattered before.
After a minute or so, he finally nodded, a small smile on his lips, and I sighed in relief. He put his palm on my chest and said, "Alright...how does Italian sound?"
I smiled. "Perfect."
I wrapped my arms around him and kissed him, trying to hold onto this quiet moment for just a little while longer. Eventually, he pulled away and got up, holding his hand out to me. When I grabbed it, he pulled me up with more force than necessary, causing me to stumble into him. He smirked at me as he placed his hands on my hips to steady me before slipping them down to cup my ass. I chuckled as I hugged him, my arms around his shoulders. Everything in me just wanted to stay here, with him - the need to simply be connected with him in some way was almost overwhelming. I couldn't stand the thought of not being able to see or touch him for another week.
He broke the mood, swatting my ass and saying, "Come on, Cuddles. Let's get to it."
I grumbled, kissing his neck before letting him go reluctantly. He went to put together the last-minute things for my suitcase while I set about gathering my papers and laptop, making sure I had everything I'd need for my trip.
When I was done, I went to my room to check on Edward since it was time to go. He was just zipping up my suitcase when I walked in the room. His expression was pensive, I thought, but he gave a sad smile when he heard me. I put my hand on his lower back and said, "I think I'm all set..."
He nodded. He looked like he wanted to say something, but he remained silent. I knew how he felt; I had so much I wanted to tell him, but the words just wouldn't come. He nodded again, apparently in answer to a silent question, and then smiled. Pecking me quickly on the lips, he murmured, "Alright, we'd better get going," and grabbed both my suitcase and his overnight bag. When I started to protest, he merely raised an eyebrow and said, "You've got more than just this, and you need to lock up. I've got this, baby."
Shaking my head with a sigh, I stepped aside and made a sweeping motion for him to go on ahead. He rolled his eyes, grinned, and walked out of the bedroom. I grabbed the garment bag that was hanging on my door and followed him.
Before long, we found ourselves at Sportello's. I hadn't been there before, but I'd heard great things about it and was looking forward to trying it out. Edward seemed to be familiar with the place, though, and ordered an appetizer of chicken liver mousse to share while we decided what to have for an entree. I pulled a face in disgust after taking a bite of the mousse, which made Edward chuckle. "I take it you don't care for it?"
I shook my head and took several swallows of my water before answering, "Umm, no...not my thing, apparently. Not often I actually try something and don't like it." I shrugged.
He grinned as he reached over and placed his hand over mine. "I'm glad you tried it, at least, though I'm sorry you didn't like it."
"It's okay. I'll be fine with the risotto con frutti di mare, I'm sure."
I tried to pronounce it correctly, but judging by the way Edward's eyes were dancing, I failed miserably. When I stuck my tongue out at him, he started laughing, and I joined in.
The waitress came to take our order then, and Edward graciously ordered for both of us with flawless pronunciation. I narrowed my eyes at him and lightly kicked his foot under the table, trying to hide my grin. He winked at me as the waitress left us alone again.
Edward finished off the mousse as we talked about my trip and waited for our food to arrive. He was genuinely interested in what I was doing, and that difference between him and Paul struck me again. This time, it made me smile instead of question things.
When our food arrived, we stole bites from each other's plates. It was familiar, comfortable, and fun since we kept playfully trying to defend our meals. His braised rabbit was actually really good, as was my seafood risotto. As we ate, we talked more, this time about his book as I asked him how his pictures from Tennessee turned out. I was curious to see them, especially the ones he'd taken of the area where he grew up. He promised to show me when I got back. The words in themselves were innocuous enough, but they warmed me with hope. There would be more time for us.
Edward ordered us a chocolate cherry cake for dessert. It was good, not in the least due to the fact we fed each other bites of it. He took care of the check afterward and looked almost surprised that I didn't make any fuss about it. I was learning more about how this relationship with Edward worked, but I still made a note to myself to treat him to dinner soon after I returned to Boston.
When we were finally on our way to the airport, we both turned quiet - some of the heaviness fell over us again as he drove. Edward kept his hand between us whenever traffic permitted him to let go of the steering wheel, so we held hands most of the way there. I stole glances at him, and I was sure that he had something on his mind as he kept furrowing his brow and pursing his lips before smoothing his features again.
For my part, I was dreading being away for so long. It already felt like we'd been apart for weeks, and now we were faced with another one. I cursed the bad timing of it all for this trip to fall right on the heels of his, but there wasn't anything to be done about it.
We remained quiet until after I was checked in and we'd walked over to security. There wasn't a lot of time before I'd have to step through and board my plane, but now that the moment to say goodbye had arrived, my nerves were back in abundance. Edward appeared to be dealing with something similar as well, which didn't help me any on that point - if anything, it made it worse. I could tell from his expression that he wanted to say something, but the longer he stayed quiet, the more worried and nervous I became.
He ran his fingers through his hair, his eyes searching mine and occasionally flickering down and slightly to my left before meeting my gaze again. I heard him mutter, "Ah, fuck it," before he sighed and said, "Jazz, does your laptop have a webcam?"
I nodded, frowning slightly. I knew he'd done webcam sessions with Alistair, but he'd said he'd hated them, that they had made him feel more alone, so I hadn't wanted to bring it up. I'd never done that sort of stuff before, as I hadn't had a webcam back when Paul and I first started, and it simply hadn't ever come up with anyone else since. I was intrigued, though, especially with the idea of doing that with him, but I didn't want to do anything to make him uncomfortable - or that made him think about Alistair again.
Edward bit his lip, grinning crookedly in spite of the small crease in his brow. He hooked his thumbs in his back pockets, his eyes focused on mine as he said, "I was thinking...I don't want to go all week without seeing you."
He blushed slightly, and I couldn't help the grin that spread over my lips. I quirked a brow and said, "Just how much of me do you want to see, Dr. Masen?"
Edward took a step closer to me, his eyes gleaming as his lips twitched and formed a crooked grin. I could feel the heat that radiated off his body, and I had to bite the inside of my cheek to keep from pulling him to me and kissing him senseless then and there. I wanted to hear his answer - needed to, even.
His voice was low and husky as he said, "As much as you're willing to show me, Mr. Whitlock."
I breathed out a soft, "Fuck me," before my lips were on his, my fingers gripping the back of his neck tightly. He slipped his arms around me, bumping his elbow against the laptop bag that was hanging from my shoulder. I put my free arm around his waist, resting my hand on the small of his back as we kissed. We stayed like that until we were jarred to our senses by the announcement that my flight was boarding.
Edward groaned softly as he pulled away, his eyes closed and his breathing heavy. When we'd both regained our composure, he looked at me with a small grin. "Do you have something to write on?"
I opened the front of my bag and rummaged around quickly. I couldn't find anything other than my business cards to write on, so I pulled one out along with a pen. He took them from me and had me turn around so he could press on my back as he wrote. Once he was done, he tucked the card into my jacket pocket, handed the pen back, and then kissed me hard. He cupped my jaw with his hand and whispered, "I'll be on tonight. Have a safe flight, Cuddles."
I swallowed hard, working to remind myself that I had to get on that flight because all I wanted to do in that moment was take him home and to bed. Taking a deep breath, I placed my hand on his neck and kissed him, wanting to tell him with it what I didn't have the words to say. When I pulled back, I whispered, "I'll miss you, Princess."
He gave me a rueful smile and said, "I'll miss you, too, Jazz. Now go, or you'll miss your flight."
His voice was hoarse and his eyes were bright with too many emotions, and I felt rooted to the spot. It wasn't until he whispered, "Go on, now..." and brushed my cheek that I snapped out of it, nodded, and with one final kiss went through security. I looked back once and waved, only moving again after I saw him wave back. I had to hurry to my gate as I heard the final call over the loudspeakers, giving me little time to stop and think about leaving Edward behind.
Once I was in my seat and buckled up, it felt as if I took my first breath since walking away from him. My chest was tight and...burning. I fished the business card out of my pocket and flipped it over to see his information written in neat script on the back. The entire flight to D.C., I sat with the card in my hand, my thumb brushing over his writing as I stared out of the window, watching the stars. My thoughts were on Edward, going over the week he'd been gone and how miserable I had been, the week that followed when I thought I'd ruined us and lost him, and on how this week would go. I realized that this week would be different - I had missed Edward before, but this time things had changed between us. I hoped that the changes would make this week more bearable, but I wondered if I would be able to contain my anxiety.
I whispered, "It's going to be a long week..."
A/N: We hope that this chapter was worth the wait. Once again, thank you for your patient understanding, and your support. It means the world to us, especially when life seems intent to throw a few wrenches in the wheels.
Speaking of thank you, and support! Thank you so much for all the bids (both on ourselves and on The Fandom Gives Back auctions in general), the incredible support and drive you've shown in making this year's FGB another great success. At the moment it appears we've gone over $80k in funds, and it's still growing! SorceressCirce and naelany are so proud to have played a small part in this. A special thanks to the ladies of Team WhitlockMasen, for pulling off a whopping $525. We're looking forward to writing each and every one of the promised offerings (both the indivisually purchased, and the TWM items).
On another note, the Plot Bunny Contest is taking place now through July 31st. SorceressCirce is one of your hosts for the contest while naelany is a judge. The contest is a different sort, with submitting plot bunnies which will be given out to other authors to write. Please check out http:/plotbunnycontest(dot)blogspot(dot)com/ for all the information!
There's another contest going on that holds fond memories, since it's round 2 of what started Marked in the first place. That's right! Slash/Backslash 2.0 is in the works! It's running until August 15th, so please consider joining in on the slashy fun. For more information, go to http:/www(dot)fanfiction(dot)net/u/2110516/Slash_Backslash
That's it for now. Hope to see you all next week with a new chapter of Wish (life permitting)!
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I love it, ladies! I'm really hoping that we're all imagining things with Emily…but I'm doubting my imagination. Prove me wrong? Can't wait for Wish next week, if it is possible!
ReplyDeleteThanks for the contest updates, I love to hear about new ones!
Omg! This is why I've vowed to only read complete fics. I just noticed this hasn't updated in two months! :( I'm dying to know what's happening.... Love the story..
ReplyDeleteOh you are not writing any more are you? Ah I loved this story. 😢
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