I was vaguely aware of Edward leaving, but the sense of loss was obscured, shrouded in questions and conflicting emotions. I felt raw, aching and bleeding from my fears about Emily being confirmed.
I still couldn't believe I'd told her what had happened with Paul. I'd promised myself long ago that my family would never know – that they, at least, would still think of me as Jasper and not as some victim. But looking at Emily, knowing she'd gone through something similar, made my defenses crumble. When Edward told me I had to tell her, there was nothing I could do but agree.
And be afraid.
Thankfully, he'd been right, as was so often the case. Even now, she held my hand with understanding in her eyes and no hint of reproach or disappointment. I hadn't expected telling the truth to be so…freeing. For once, I wasn't simply ashamed. I was relieved.
Suddenly, I became aware that we'd been sitting in silence since Edward walked away. I cleared my throat and shifted my eyes to Emily, concern for her flooding in again. "Hey…" I said quietly. "Are you okay, Lee?"
She nodded, sniffling with red eyes as she gave me a weak, watery smile. "It's been one hell of a weekend," she said in a strangled voice.
We laughed softly together with anything but amusement. When our laughter trailed off, she squeezed my hand and then pulled hers away, brushing the hair out of her eyes before reaching for a tissue. She blew her nose and then gave a heavy sigh. "I just don't know how I let all…that happen. I'm so sorry, Spurs."
"Emily, please," I interrupted. "If you value my sanity, please don't say you're sorry again. You did nothing wrong. Nothing. He's a fucking piece of shit that-" I stopped myself, biting back the threats and promises that wanted to spill over. I ran my fingers through my hair, tugging in an attempt to control my temper.
Finally, I let out a slow breath, my eyes widening as I realized that everything I was saying was exactly what Edward had tried to tell me – about Paul. And Mike had said the same thing – and Ben and Angela and…pretty much everyone who knew about the whole situation. It had never made sense to me. I'd never believed that Paul could've been such an abusive prick without my allowing him to, but I just couldn't make myself believe that Emily was at fault here in any way.
So where did that leave me?
Emily noticed my sudden silence and said, "Hey, are you okay?" in a soft echo of my own question.
I nodded – probably a little too quickly – and said, "I'm fine, Lee Lee. I'm just glad you're okay."
Truth be told, I was reeling, drowning in information overload, but I wasn't willing to talk about that quite yet. I didn't know what my realizations would mean for me or if they'd even really make a difference at all.
Somehow, I hoped they would.
I sighed and rubbed my hand across my forehead, my eyes tightening against the headache I could feel coming on. Emily looked just plain miserable, and I couldn't have that. I gave her a withering look, the same one I'd given as a teenager, and said, "Do you always have to copy me?"
Her eyes widened for a second before narrowing. She put her hands on her hips and arched one eyebrow. "I'd rather die than copy you, Jasper Whitlock," she declared dramatically.
She spoiled it by giggling. It faltered a little, but at least the smile stayed. She whispered, "Thanks," again and then pulled more tissue from the box, blowing her nose noisily. I reached out, tickling her ribs, and she squirmed away.
There was something welling up in my chest, something I felt I should say, but I didn't realize what it was until the words spilled over my lips. "If you want to copy me, Lee," I said huskily, "make it a guy like Edward."
I felt heat on my neck and knew it was likely climbing up my cheeks. I meant it, though, and I refused to try to cover it up. Instead of the teasing expression I expected on Emily's face, I saw a soft smile. She nodded. "You're right… I'll keep that in mind."
I gave a half-smile. I opened my mouth to speak, but she cut me off. "Don't you dare say you're lucky to have him."
I frowned at her. "How the hell..?"
"I know you," she answered simply, shrugging and rubbing her nose once more. "But you're wrong."
At my disgruntled expression, she held up both hands. "I'm not saying Edward's not a great guy. Believe me, I know he is. I've sort of had experience with the other type." She grimaced and sighed, reaching up to tuck a lock of hair behind her ears. "But you are, too," she finished earnestly.
I made a face as well, reflexively shaking my head as I looked down at my hands in my lap. She didn't know what I'd done. She didn't know any of it – how I couldn't tell him how I felt, how I wasn't even sure how I felt. How I kept fighting an urge to duck and run.
She scooted closer to me, wriggling her way under my arm. Resting her head on my shoulder, she sighed. "I'm serious, Spurs. I've seen the way he treats you and the way you look at him. You two are perfect together. I…" she trailed off, swallowing hard before forcing herself to continue. "I know how you feel. It's like…like you're…dirty. You'll never be good enough, right?"
My heart thudded in my ears, and I fought the urge to weep as I listened to what I thought were my darkest secrets passing her lips. Worse, I knew she felt that way. I blinked quickly, but I still felt moisture gathering at the corners of my eyes. I knew better than to try to speak, so I rested my cheek against the top of her head and nodded, putting my arm around her.
"Trust me." Her voice was gruff, hoarse from crying and sheer emotion. "You're more than good enough. And he knows it. You should, too."
A smile flirted with my lips as I thought about my baby sister offering such sage advice. I shook my head and squeezed her tighter against my side before kissing the top of her head. "Thanks, Lee."
I wasn't sure I believed her, but it felt damn good to hear her say that, especially after finally sharing my history with her. We sat there in silence for a few minutes, each lost in our own thoughts, until she finally patted my knee and straightened. She ran her fingers through her hair and frowned, tilting her head. "I wonder where Edward is…"
I automatically glanced at the clock, but it did me no good since I had no idea when he'd left. "I don't know," I answered honestly. "Do you mind if I go look for him?"
She rolled her eyes at me, her familiar teasing smile back in place, but all she said was, "Of course not."
I stood and ruffled her hair, earning a smack on the back of my leg as I went around the couch. I'd heard Edward mention something about food, so I ventured into the kitchen, only to be shocked by what I found there.
He was standing at the counter, his fingers gripping the edge so tightly that I could see tendons standing out along his wrists. His head was bowed, and his shoulders were bunched, his entire posture oozing tension.
"Edward?" I called. My voice came out far softer than I'd intended, but I couldn't bring myself to raise it. Instead I walked toward him, taking in the rest of the kitchen on the way. He'd finished making sandwiches, but had apparently stopped right afterward. Condiments were still strewn around, which was completely unlike him.
As I got closer, I reached out, resting my hand between his shoulder blades as I shifted around so I could see him. I leaned my hip against the counter and watched his face. His eyes closed as soon as he realized I was there, and I frowned, unsure if I wanted to know where his thoughts were. I forced the words out, my need to understand overtaking my fear. "Edward, are you alright?"
I wasn't sure he was going to answer, but then he nodded and wrapped me up in a tight hug. He turned toward me fully and buried his face in my neck, and I held him just as firmly. He felt so good in my arms, so right, and I was struck again by just how close I'd come to losing all of this.
So much of what I wanted to say died in my throat. I wanted to tell him thank you, tell him that I cared about him more than I'd ever cared about anyone, that I wasn't sure how I would live without him.
But I just didn't have the words.
Instead, I murmured quietly, rubbing his back as I asked if he was okay, if I could do anything. It was all meaningless compared to what I really felt, but it was also the most I could do.
He pulled away slowly, his eyes darting between mine as his warm hands cupped my cheeks. I didn't understand what was happening, but the look in his eyes told me that, whatever it was, it was important. He kissed me softly and murmured, "I'm fine, baby. More than fine. I'm so proud of you...you're so strong. I know how hard it was for you to tell Emily what happened to you."
Something deep inside me relaxed at those words and at the honest expression on his face. If he could know about Paul, about Jason…about me and still be here, holding and kissing me, I knew somehow that it would all be okay. He kissed me again, and I returned it eagerly with a reverence I wasn't sure I'd ever felt before. When he pulled away, my eyes fluttered open slowly, but my content smile froze before it fully formed when he spoke again.
"I love you, Jasper," Edward said.
My lips were still warm from his, the pressure of his kiss lingering so that it took me a moment to really absorb what he said. My eyes widened as panic gripped my chest. I wanted so badly to say those words back to him, but I wasn't sure that's what I felt. What did he expect? I was just getting comfortable with what we were, even if I didn't really have a name for it exactly. Were things going to change so quickly?
I opened my mouth, not even sure what I was going to say. My heart was thudding in my throat so hard I was positive no sound would actually come out.
Edward's lips covered mine again before I could try. He shook his head, whispering to me, telling me not to say those three words right now. I wanted to growl, though I wasn't sure if it was at myself for being so weak or at him for taking the choice away from me.
It wasn't until his thumbs brushed my cheekbones and he whispered, "You're worth waiting for, Jasper," that the knot in my chest began to relax. I looked at him – really looked – and the panic began to fade away.
I wasn't ready to tell him I loved him yet, especially since I wasn't sure I did, but one look at his face reminded me that I needed him. I couldn't let him go, and I felt a surge of gratitude that I didn't have to make that choice right now – that he'd saved me from having to either say I loved him or risk losing him.
He was watching me, and I could see caring and happiness and just that wonderful whatever it was that made him Edward. He didn't look afraid or expectant. He just looked…honest.
How did I ever get so lucky?
In a distant corner of my mind, I could sense the way Emily would not approve of the thought, even if it was nothing but pure truth. I nodded, trying to let him know I understood, and then I kissed him with everything I had. My mind was in turmoil, thoughts of Emily and James and Paul and Edward mixing together until I wasn't sure what was happening, but this I knew.
And it was exactly what I needed right then – to feel Edward's arms around me, his lips on mine. To know that he was there and he wasn't leaving me.
I opened my eyes as our kiss ended, but when I saw his face again, I was overwhelmed with gratitude, both for me and for Emily. My forehead pressed against his as my eyes fluttered closed, and I whispered, "Thank you…"
I felt an intense urge to say more, but I didn't know what to say. The combination of my uncertainty and the knowledge that Emily was just in the other room, hurting and confused, left little time for me to dwell on what had just happened between Edward and me.
He seemed to sense where my thoughts were because he pulled me close, wrapping his arms around my waist and squeezing me tight as he kissed me once more. Then he stepped back, putting some distance between us. I caught his whispered, "Thank you…" and glanced up at him, my eyes wide.
"For letting me love you," he clarified when our eyes met. Something in me ached at his words, but all I managed was a small smile that he returned.
He squared his shoulders as he turned around and surveyed the counter before putting away the condiments that were still out. He ran his fingers through his hair as he looked into the refrigerator, and I realized with a start that he was still shaken. I wanted so badly to ask him what he was thinking, but I knew that it was probably something better left alone for now. We could talk about it after Emily went home.
I put my hand on his shoulder and gently pulled him away from the refrigerator. I gave him a small smile when he stepped back, and I took his place, looking inside before pulling out the pitcher of sweet tea. I poured each of us a glass, which seemed to spur Edward into motion again.
He moved away from the counter and opened a cabinet, retrieving a wooden tray. We moved in silence, but working together again was reassuring somehow, grounding me in a way I hadn't felt since this nightmare with Emily began.
Soon, the tray was loaded, and we made our way back to the den. Emily was on the phone, talking in a low voice to someone. My back was up instantly. If she was on the phone with that asshole, I wasn't sure what I would do, but someone would likely die.
"Yeah, I'm fine. I promise." She paused, and then my fears were assuaged when she said, "Thanks, Ri. See you in an hour?" She nodded in response to something Irina said, and I saw a tiny smile form on her lips before she added, "You're the best. Bye."
She hung up and lifted her hips from the couch so she could slip the phone into her pocket. Then she turned to us, brushing her hair away from her face. She looked like hell. Her eyes were tired and puffy from crying, but there was something in the way she carried herself that was more like Emily – the Emily I'd known all my life. I hadn't truly realized how much she'd changed, at least not consciously.
"I called Irina…she's going to pick me up in a little bit."
I frowned at her. "Are you sure, Lee? You can hang out here as long as you want…"
"Yeah, I'm sure," she answered as Edward put the tray on the coffee table. She gave me a little smile and said, "I didn't exactly get a lot of sleep last night. Kate and I stayed up talking way too late."
I leaned over and gave her a hug, and she whispered, "Besides, you need some time alone with Edward, I think."
I started to argue but then realized that she was right in a lot of ways. It had been so long since we were together, and I'd missed him more than I'd realized I would – which was saying a lot. Still, my mind rebelled against the idea of leaving Emily alone, and she rolled her eyes at me as if she heard the thought.
"Carmen invited us to dinner, so we're going to go back to our dorm to work on some school stuff, and then we're going over there," she said with a pointed look at me. I nodded hesitantly, earning me a small smile from Emily and a squeeze on the thigh from Edward.
Emily reached out, taking a sandwich as she said, "Edward showed me the pictures I took at the zoo…you looked funny as hell clucking like a chicken."
I laughed, remembering that day, and picked up a sandwich of my own. We talked randomly as we ate, just light conversation that helped to ease the tension in the air. It felt good to remember that not everything was as serious and life-altering as the events of the last few hours had been.
We finished our lunch, and then Emily disappeared upstairs to grab some things she'd left in Kate's room. As soon as she stepped out of the room, Edward kissed me softly and then stood up. He began gathering our glasses and plates, and I joined him, making short work of our mess.
Instead of carrying the tray to the kitchen, though, he left it on the coffee table and walked over to the end of the couch. He glanced at the stacks of pictures lying on the end table and then smiled, picking up one of them.
"Emily picked these out," he said by way of explanation when he caught my questioning look. "I told her I'd make copies for her, but I think I'll just send them today and make more later."
I nodded, smiling at the thought that she would have something happy to take home with her. I reached out, wrapping my arms around his waist, and his lips had just covered mine when Emily walked back into the room.
"Do you two ever do anything else?" she asked with amusement in her voice. "Never mind; don't answer that," she added hastily when she caught Edward's smirk.
I laughed but didn't comment.
Oh, if you only knew…
I must've been grinning because Emily made a face at me, but her grimace turned to a smile when Edward gave her the stack of pictures.
"You're not just trying to get out of teaching me about the darkroom, are you? Because I know where you live."
Edward laughed. "Not at all," he said. "I'm looking forward to teaching you. I tried to teach Jasper, but he's hopeless."
His eyes were dancing with mischief and laughter, making me narrow my eyes in response. "Maybe you're just not that great a teacher," I teased.
"Maybe," he allowed, shooting me a glance that made me remember the afternoon we'd spent in his darkroom – a glance that reminded me of exactly how long we'd been apart. I shifted, turning away as I felt a surge of guilt at having those sorts of thoughts with Emily in the room, especially considering what she'd just been through.
If either of them caught my mood, they didn't show it. Instead, they focused their attention on each other, joking and taunting like…well, like brother and sister.
By the time Irina arrived, I felt a little more normal. Emily hugged Edward tightly, whispering something to him. His murmured, "You're welcome. Call me anytime," left little doubt as to what
she'd said.
Then she launched herself at me, hugging me fiercely. She kissed my cheek, and I wrapped my arms around her, swaying with her for a moment before she lifted her head to murmur, "Jasper, I'm going to be okay. I promise. I'll be busy with Irina tonight, so don't you go worrying about me. Okay?"
I nodded, squeezing her before starting to let her go.
She pulled back to look me in the eye. "I mean it," she said. "Promise me."
I hesitated, considering the implication of her words, and then nodded slowly.
She smiled and hugged me once more, whispering, "Good. Now you go spend some time with Edward…he needs it, I think."
"I will…thanks, Lee Lee." I didn't know if she'd understand that I was thanking her for more than just those words. It felt so good to have someone know and understand what I'd been through, even if I wished she didn't understand. Just being able to get it out there and know she still loved me made me feel better than I had in years.
Edward and I walked her to the door, taking a few minutes to talk to Irina. She and Edward had never actually met, so we introduced them and made small talk for a bit. Emily seemed to be stalling, and I had a feeling she really wasn't looking forward to the talk she and Irina would have when they got home.
At least, I hoped they would talk.
I remembered how much I'd resisted talking to Mike, Eric, and Ben about what had happened with Paul, but I also knew from experience that it really did help. Just not feeling so alone and isolated had opened up a whole new world for me.
I bit back all my words of advice that threatened to spill out as I watched Emily walk away. I wanted to tell her to talk to Irina, to call our mother, to get some help…so many things that I wanted for her that I'd never really done for myself.
Something held me back, though, and it wasn't just Edward's hand wrapping around my wrist. I hadn't realized I'd started down the walkway toward Emily until I felt him grab me. I turned around to find a look of concern on his face.
"You okay?" he asked, his voice pitched low for us alone.
I nodded automatically and then stopped myself, clearing my throat. "I will be."
He gave a small smile and nodded in understanding. He pulled me close, wrapping his arm around my waist as he began to guide me back in the house. He opened his mouth like he was going to say something but then closed it again, frowning slightly. His fingers caressed my side, though, letting me know he cared.
We stood in the entryway, watching each other for a moment before he reached up, cupping my cheek. "You look beat, baby. How are you holding up?" he asked quietly.
"I'm…okay," I said, frowning. I really wasn't sure how I felt, if I were being honest.
He must've misinterpreted my frown because he sighed and said, "Jazz, sweetheart, I'm so sorry I didn't tell you. I swear to god, I wasn't trying to lie to you. You were just in D.C., and Emily wanted to tell you herself. Well, really, she didn't want to tell you at all, but I just… I knew you needed to know, but I didn't want to make you worry, and I'm s-"
I listened, half in shock, to his babbling, but when he began to say he was sorry again, I cut him off with a kiss. It struck me finally that maybe he was right – maybe I should've been upset that he'd kept something like this from me – but all I could feel was gratitude. After listening to Emily's story, I could too easily imagine what might have happened to her if Edward hadn't been there, and the possibilities sickened me.
And made me intensely glad he'd been there.
Edward made a strangled noise of surprise, but his passion matched mine as he kissed me back. I felt his hands grasp my hips, his fingers tightening painfully, and I could sense the way he was holding back. I wasn't sure exactly why he was keeping himself in check, but I knew one thing for sure – I didn't want him to.
I guided him back to the wall, pressing against him as I kissed him hungrily. What had started as gratitude was rapidly becoming desire. The lack of contact all week hit me hard, making me relish the feeling of his arms around me again, his lips on mine. My hands slid down, cupping his ass and pulling his hips closer even as his shoulders molded against the wall.
Still, he kept his hands on my hips, so I kissed my way along his cheek, whispering breathily, "Show me."
To anyone else, it might've made little sense, but Edward knew exactly what I needed. He hesitated only a split second before moaning loudly. His right hand dipped down, squeezing my ass, as his left arm wrapped around my shoulders, crushing my chest against his. He nibbled and licked and sucked all along my neck, making me grit my teeth. My nostrils flared as I inhaled deeply, wishing that that mouth would travel all along my body, leaving no inch untouched.
"Bedroom?" he asked breathlessly.
As much as I hated the idea of pausing in what we were doing, the thought of having all of him was too tempting. "Bedroom," I answered, nipping at his chin before I pushed away and grabbed his hand.
I led him upstairs, feeling his eyes on me the entire way. His hands followed soon after, fingertips caressing my back and dipping down to cup and squeeze. No lights were on upstairs, but the daylight filtering in through the windows was plenty once my eyes adjusted.
When we reached Edward's bedroom door, I couldn't wait any longer. I turned, kissing him hard, and his hands went to my waist, his thumb popping the button on my jeans. He guided me backwards toward the bed, where he pushed my pants and boxers over my hips, following them as they hit the floor.
On his knees, he pushed again, and I sat down hard on the edge of the bed. He leaned back on his heels, pulling my pants the rest of the way off, and then settled between my spread legs. Within seconds, my wish came true as that heavenly mouth of his began kissing and licking along my shaft. I felt nothing but warmth and wetness, delicious pressure from his hand and light abrasion from the stubble on his chin. The metal bar through his tongue teased me, stuttering along my skin, heightening every sensation.
"Oh, fuck," I breathed, my fingers threading through his hair as he took my balls in hand, tugging and squeezing while his tongue began a slow journey toward the head of my cock.
As much as I wanted to watch, I couldn't. My eyes were tightly closed as I leaned back, supporting myself with my free hand. My head fell back with a groan, my hips lifting slightly as my body silently begged him for more.
The tip of his tongue reached my head then and began a slow, tantalizing journey around the ridge. He breathed lightly, letting the cool air wash over my skin, and then – without any warning at all – he took me deeply, letting the head of my cock hit the back of his throat. I jerked, unable to control myself when his mouth constricted around me, but instead of gagging at the intrusion, he simply paused and moaned, swallowing before he began to move.
I opened my eyes, lifting my head so that I could see him. The sight of my fingers tangled in his auburn hair, his face in profile with his eyes closed and his lips pursed around me…there was something so powerful about the image that I felt my breath catch in my chest. It was primal and sweet and incredibly fucking sexy all at once. He heard me and lifted his eyes, meeting my gaze. I watched as he moved his head slowly upward, exposing my shaft inch by inch, and I couldn't take it anymore.
Edward gave a cocky grin when I put my hands under his biceps, urging him up. He licked me one last time, and then he was on top of me, pressing me back onto the bed. He was still fully clothed, and I worked hard to get rid of all the material between us. Soon, I was lying on my back with Edward between my knees, my hand slipping between us to alternately cup and stroke him as I tried to focus on getting him undressed.
It was much harder to concentrate than it should've been.
Gradually, our shirts and his pants joined mine on the floor, and when Edward's nude body settled on top of mine, he hissed while I let out a deep, rumbling moan. This was what I'd been missing all week – that fierce, hungry look in his eyes, the feeling of his hard body on mine, the way his lips and fingertips made my skin blaze.
I knew at once what I wanted. As much as I relished the feeling of Edward taking me – and I did – it had been far too long since I'd felt him tightening around me as I stroked him, watching his eyes roll back and his lips part. I needed that. I needed to see him and feel him and taste him fall apart at my hands.
I flipped us over so that Edward was on his back, and as I began to kiss my way down his body, he mumbled, "Fuck yes, Jasper…please…been waiting so long to feel you, baby…" I listened to his whispered words, broken mutterings that grew more incoherent as I tasted the salty liquid gathered at his tip. I could feel in the stiffness of his shaft and the tension in his thighs that he was exactly where I was – so close to the edge that it would take very little to send him reeling.
The long week apart combined with the stress of Emily's situation had done a number on both of us. We were keyed up, excited to the point of incomprehension, but I still took the time to make sure he was ready for me. Licking and sucking, stroking and caressing, I paused from time to time to whisper to him, letting him know how gorgeous he was, how desirable, how absolutely breathtaking.
He rolled toward the side of the bed, and I heard the scrape of the drawer. I didn't even lift my head when I felt the air move against my cheek. I reached up, taking the bottle of lube from his outstretched hand. I took him deeper, my teeth teasing his length as I poured some of the slick liquid into my palm, and his empty fingers immediately tangled in my hair.
I rubbed lightly along his sensitive, puckered flesh, and he inhaled sharply, lifting his knees and spreading his thighs. It was all the encouragement I needed to press my finger gently into him. I groaned at the way he felt, tight and hot around me, and despite my best intentions, I found myself hurrying. A second finger joined the first, and then a third, and soon, Edward's hips were writhing.
I became aware then of his broken, pleading whispers, and it struck me that it was pointless to deny us what we both so obviously wanted right then. Slipping my hand away, I moved to my knees. Edward sat up, his legs spread around me, and kissed me hard. He was breathless and desperate somehow, but his hands were sure when he ripped open the packet he held. He stroked me a few times, squeezing so that my eyes rolled back in my head. Then he rolled the condom down my length, and I took over, stroking myself with my lubed hand.
His hand wrapped around mine as he nibbled at my lower lip. Together, we pumped my cock until Edward's free hand slid up my back, coming to rest between my shoulder blades. Gradually, he lowered us back onto the bed, his hand guiding me to his entrance as he kissed me hungrily.
He allowed me no time to take things slowly. Instead, he lifted his hips, encouraging me, and he cried out blissfully when I entered him in one smooth stroke. It was all I could do to keep from ending things before they'd even fully begun as I watched his face. His brow was furrowed, his lips parted in an expression that could've been pain, but the way his hips rolled against mine belied his pleasure.
Our bodies began moving to the same cadence while our lips found each other. Edward tasted divine – salt and sex and the lingering sweetness of his tea – and I couldn't stop myself from sucking on his tongue. I felt strangely like I could devour him, like no matter how close we were, it would never be close enough.
My hips rocked against his, and I reached between us to take his cock in hand. I knew from the way he was tightening around me that he was close, and the tension in my thighs was all that was keeping me from coming right away. I wouldn't be able to hold out for long – and I wasn't even sure I wanted to.
Our movements were primal, filled with lust and passion and that…something that was special and just us. That something that I was beginning to wonder if Edward had named when he told me he loved me.
I was sure he whispered those sweet, scary words again when I felt him bite down on my shoulder. His body was wracked with tremors, his shoulders and hips rising from the bed as he curled inward. I felt warmth spilling across my chest, which was pressed against his, and the visceral feeling of his orgasm sent me reeling. I willed my body to keep moving, to give myself those few more passes it would take to find my own ecstasy, and it was to the sound of Edward's panting moan that I thrust harder, coming deep inside of him.
I was aware of nothing for long moments – nothing but the ringing in my ears. Eventually, I felt a tingling that began in my toes and fingertips and traveled up my body. As it moved, it seemed to release something within me, and my taut muscles slackened, my weight falling onto Edward as I began to relax. He sighed softly, but instead of being bothered by the heaviness, he seemed to welcome it.
His arms wrapped tightly around me, and his lips moved over my skin, leaving a trail that grew cold as the air hit it. He was whispering, but it took me a moment to catch the words.
"Thank god you're home," was the first thing I understood fully.
I smiled, lowering my head to the crook of his neck. I placed a kiss there, silently giving my own thanks. When I finally moved, I didn't go far, just turning my head to say, "Thank god you're here." My voice was gruff, husky with exertion and emotion. I hoped he knew I didn't just mean for Emily, though that was more important to me than he could've realized. I felt an urge to clarify, but I had to clear my throat before I could speak.
"I wish…I-I mean…" I sighed, closing my eyes before I tried again. "I'm lucky you're here. I know I fucked up…so badly…" My throat constricted as memories of Jason surfaced. I hadn't even been consciously thinking of him and had no idea that that's where my mind was leading, but suddenly, I was babbling, trying to get it all out there. "You didn't have to forgive me. You didn't have to take me back…and I'm so fucking thankful you did. I…I n-need you."
I clenched my jaw, both to keep myself from talking and in frustration. I felt like there was something else I wanted to say. Something else I needed to say, but the words just wouldn't come.
Edward rubbed my back slowly. I had no idea what he was thinking, and it took a moment for me to hear his soft, "Shh…" over my own loud thoughts. When he could tell that I was calmer, he kissed my cheek and whispered, "I need you, too."
We lay there that way for the longest time. I couldn't bring myself to care that we would be sticky and gross, and instead of moving, I felt myself drifting off toward sleep. Finally, Edward gently rolled me off of him, but I didn't even open my eyes. I reached up, finding my pillow, and rested my head on it.
I stretched my arm out to put my hand on his hip, but he was gone. The question of where he'd disappeared to was answered when I felt cold moisture against my chest. I hissed, and his lips found my forehead, kissing me softly as he apologized. He cleaned me up gently; then I felt the bed shake as he presumably did the same for himself.
I felt half as though I should wake up, but sleep weighed so heavily on my eyelids that I wasn't sure I could lift them if I tried. Edward's body pressed against mine then, his arms wrapping around me and pulling me into his chest as his knee slipped between mine. "Sleep now, love," he whispered into my hair.
I knew nothing else. I wasn't sure how much time passed, but I could tell from the stiffness in my shoulders when I woke that I'd spent hours lying in one position.
Darkness filled the room when I opened my eyes so that, at first, I couldn't tell any difference. My chin was still resting against Edward's chest, and he was breathing heavily, snoring a bit. His arms were draped around me loosely, making me feel warm and…safe.
I really wanted to stay right where I was, but before long, my body ached too much. I tried to slide away from Edward without waking him, but he stirred, mumbling something, and then he gave a huge snort and jerked. He lifted his head, his arms tightening around me. "Huh?"
I smiled, rubbing his lower back and kissing his chest before rolling away. He let me go but kept his hand on my chest when I shifted to my back. I tucked one hand behind my head and lay there for a minute, thinking about how nice it felt to wake up to him that way. It still worried me sometimes that I'd grown so attached to him, but the good parts of it – moments like this, knowing that he cared, feeling like I wasn't alone – far outweighed the panic I felt.
"Morning, baby," Edward finally mumbled around a yawn.
I laughed softly, amazed that I felt so…coherent. "Is it?" I teased.
I sensed him moving, felt rather than saw him running his fingers through his hair before scrubbing his face. He flopped onto his back, and I was able to see him at last in the faint light around the edges of his curtains. His face turned away, and I lifted up on my elbow to glance at the clock with him.
11:42
Edward glanced at the windows and then back at the clock, chuckling. "Guess it's good night, huh?"
He groaned and sat up. I watched the way the pale, silvery light looked against his back, the way the shadows made the curve of his spine deeper. I reached out, tracing my fingers lightly along his skin.
"Mmm…" he sighed. "That feels nice."
I smiled and kept on, drawing random patterns until he seemed more awake. Then I sat up, and he took my hand, lacing his fingers through mine. He glanced over, giving me a crooked grin. "Well, I guess we don't have to decide what to do for the afternoon. You hungry, baby?"
I was surprised to realize that I was starving, though I guess it made sense. We talked for a few minutes, debating going out, but in the end, we decided to stay in and just enjoy each other's company.
We got dressed in pajama pants and wandered downstairs. I sat on the bar while Edward warmed up the food, pizza leftover from the night before. Naturally, that brought up questions and memories of what had happened with Emily. Instead of dwelling on the situation with James, though, I asked Edward about their slumber party.
He grinned, leaning with his elbows on the bar beside me as he talked about how Emily and Kate had danced through most of Grease. I laughed, remembering the way Emily always pranced around the room in my black leather jacket when she was a kid. I found myself telling Edward stories about those times, about how Emily would wear a skirt on her head to pretend she had long hair and how Chuck and I rolled up our sleeves like the greasers. He laughed with me, telling me about movies he'd loved as a kid and the silly things he'd done with Emmett and Tanya in return.
Even though there were heavier issues we could've – and maybe should've – talked about, we spent a few hours laughing together. The week had taken a toll on both of us, so before too long, we were both tired again. We headed back to bed, where we soon fell asleep despite the long nap we'd had.
Sunday passed way too quickly, especially since I had to go back to my apartment to wash clothes and get ready for the work week. If I were being honest, I needed a little time, too. I'd been unsettled all weekend, and I couldn't tell if it was because of Emily or because of what Edward had said, or…I didn't know what. Maybe a mixture of both of those and something more. All I knew was that I felt a little scattered and needed to be able to think some things through.
Whether he sensed that or not, Edward didn't protest. He pouted a little but said he knew I needed to get ready for work. He walked me out to my car, grinning knowingly when I tried to surreptitiously give it a once-over.
He pulled me close, his hands resting lightly on my hips. "I told you I would take care of it, you know…"
I shrugged and grinned, maybe a little sheepishly. "Yeah, I know."
"Don't worry. I'd be the same way," he said, laughing. Then he kissed me deeply, pressing his body against me in a way that made it very hard to remember why I had to leave. He was the one who finally had to pull away. He had a content smile on his face, and his hands splayed across my back, half-supporting me. "Let me know you got home okay?" he whispered huskily.
I nodded and sighed. His smile brightened for a moment before he gave me one more kiss and then let me go. Leaning down, he picked up my bag, which I hadn't even noticed him putting down. He took a step toward the car and waited.
As soon as I figured out what he was waiting for, I reached in my pocket and pulled out the keys, feeling my cheeks heat as I hit the button to unlock it.
How the hell does he do that to me?
He opened the door, carefully putting my bag on the backseat, and then he walked back to me with a smile. "One more," he whispered as his arms wrapped tightly around my waist. Despite being an inch shorter than me, he lifted me from the ground as he kissed me soundly.
I laughed, slightly dizzy when he let me go. His grin was self-satisfied – proud – but I couldn't blame him. "Missed me, did you?" I teased, trying to take the focus off just how ridiculous he made me.
His grin faded into something serious as he whispered simply, "Always."
We watched each other in silence until I answered, "I missed you, too." I swallowed, unsure what more to say, and went to open my door. He beat me to it, holding it open while I slid behind the wheel.
"Talk to you soon, Cuddles," he murmured.
I nodded. "Thanks, Princess… for everything."
It was the closest I could come to bringing up his saying he loved me. I definitely wasn't ready to say it yet, and I was both grateful and kind of sad that he didn't say it again. We stalled for a moment or two longer, and then I was pulling away, watching Edward in my rear-view mirror as I made my way to the end of the street.
Too soon, he was out of sight. My thoughts were loud, competing with the music from my speakers, and the noisy confusion was too much for me. I turned the radio off and drove home in silence, but I couldn't seem to concentrate enough to separate my thoughts. They were just an annoying, incessant buzz in my head, worries about Emily chasing idle fantasies of Edward tangled with the harder question of whether or not I loved him.
Do I?
Can I?
By the time I pulled into the parking lot at my apartment, my lower lip was sore, raw from the way I kept chewing at it whenever my thoughts grew too complex to handle. I got out of the car with a sigh, pocketing my keys so I could grab my bag.
As I was making my way inside, I caught sight of a figure jogging away. A flash of brown hair and the hint of a disturbingly familiar profile in the corner of my eye made my stomach clench uncomfortably. I swallowed, thankful that Jason seemed to have either missed me or to be avoiding me – much as I was him.
I took the elevator upstairs, off balance and anxious, and I was surprised to feel an intense longing to be with Edward. I was aware that up until this point, my impulses had been to run away. I waited for the panic, the feeling that this was wrong, but it didn't come.
Ironically – or perhaps, expectedly – that just threw me off even more. I unlocked my apartment and walked straight to my bedroom, not bothering to turn on any lights or check my messages. I dropped my suitcase onto the bed and began unpacking automatically.
Going through the motions helped calm me down, giving me time to separate all the events of the past couple of days, even if I couldn't quite think through them just yet. I kicked off my shoes and socks, trading my nicer shirt for an old Red Sox t-shirt before throwing myself into my work. I put everything away, sorted my laundry, and had just started a load when I heard a knock at the door.
I frowned, glancing at the clock. I'd been home about an hour and a half; it was still early afternoon, but I definitely wasn't expecting anyone. I felt a sense of trepidation I couldn't fully explain as I walked back through the apartment, suddenly aware of my bare feet and probably messy appearance. I ran my fingers through my hair before glancing through the peep hole.
"Shit."
I straightened up, my hand flying back to my hair again. What the hell is he doing here? I took a shallow breath and then leaned down, looking out again, but the scene remained unchanged.
Jason was still there.
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