Marked Chapter 26 - Head Over Feet

A/N: Sorry for the delay in posting on the blog - I completely forgot about it! Totally my fault. SC

JPOV

I stared up at the ceiling, my hands under my head as I gazed without seeing. I was tired, having been unable to fall asleep last night. A glance at the clock told me there was no point in even trying to get any sleep now - my alarm was set to go off in about half an hour, at which point I'd have to get up and get ready to pick up Emily before heading to the airport.

With a sigh, I rubbed my eyes with the heels of my hands, wishing I could get my mind to shut up - or at least settle down. The last three weeks had been...a roller coaster, to say the least. So much had happened that I still hadn't sorted out: running into Paul, trying to figure out what was going on with me - and then with Edward. Getting sick and having Edward take care of me. The way he'd made my birthday feel like something worthwhile again. Waking up and glimpsing my name in his journal...

Oh, God...his journal. I had been unable to resist reading what he had said about me. With all my heart, I wished I hadn't done it - and I knew I shouldn't have - but at the same time, I was glad I had. I hadn't dared tell him; I'd simply turned over and fallen back asleep again.

But it hadn't been easy to keep it from him.

Reading how he felt about me, how worried he was for me - for me - how much he wished he knew how to help me... how he wanted to tear into Paul for hurting me. I knew Edward loved me. He'd told me, and I believed him - especially after reading that part of his journal and seeing the way he took care of me.

But despite the fact that I'd wanted to tell him my own feelings, I'd been too afraid. I'd also been far too selfish to make him leave, so I hadn't said anything either way. It felt so good, so right, to have him take care of me. I couldn't deny myself that. It'd been so, so long...

I curled onto my side, facing where Edward had slept while he was here, and my hand automatically sought him out, though I was alone. If I closed my eyes, I could imagine him here with me. He'd stayed with me the whole week, only going home again after he was sure I was better and ready to get back to work. It had been so nice to have him all to myself for so long, with little to no interruptions from the outside world.

I still had my fears and doubts - not about him or how he felt, but about me and whether I could truly love him the way he wanted... the way he deserved. Despite those reservations, I'd soaked it in, allowed him to wrap me up with his care and tenderness.

I'd tried to tell him. I'd even said the words...but I'd been chickenshit when it came to saying them to his face. Instead, I'd used the fact that Emily was on the phone on my birthday to say, "I love you." I'd closed my eyes as soon as the words were out, waiting for his reaction...for something. I was scared - I hadn't told a guy I loved him since Paul, and my heart was beating like crazy.

Really, I knew there was no way he could know that I meant the words for him, but I still hoped he'd say something. I thought maybe it would open up a way for me to tell him without being scared out of my mind. He never said anything, though - he'd just suggested we go to bed, claiming I looked tired. Admittedly, I was just that, but I was also frustrated. Like so many times before, I felt conflicted - torn between relief and disappointment that he didn't push further.

I'd battled with myself all the rest of that week and even the next one, when I was on my own again. That one was a little easier in some ways because things went back to "normal" with work. Edward spent his time helping out Kate with another shoot while I worked overtime to make up for having had the week off. I also called around to different psychologists and eventually found one that I thought could help me. There wasn't really time to start before my trip, so I'd set up an appointment for just after it. The result of both Edward and me being overwhelmed with work and things to do before our trips meant that we didn't see a whole lot of each other that week, buying me a little time so I didn't have to talk about how I felt. And once again, part of me was disappointed while the rest was relieved.

Why couldn't I just figure this out? I liked Edward. A lot. The thought of not having him in my life scared the hell out of me. I needed him. On a very deep, base level, I needed to be with him. I'd never felt anything like that in my life, and I sure as hell didn't understand it.

So why couldn't I just be normal? Tell him how I felt? Hell, why couldn't I even be sure of what, exactly, I felt in the first place?

It had taken Mike coming into my office yesterday for me to figure it out. Sort of.

"Hey, J? You got a minute?" Mike said.

I looked up from my computer, "Sure, come on in. Let me just finish this email, and then I'm all yours."

Mike sat down in front of my desk, picking up the baseball and tossing it from hand to hand while he waited for me. When I turned to face him after hitting send, he grinned nervously and placed the ball back in its place. He watched me for a moment, then said, "How are you doing, Jasper?"

I quirked an eyebrow in surprise. "I'm fine. Why?"

He raised an eyebrow in response. "Thanksgiving's next week. You're going to be back in Texas."

It had been a statement, but one filled with implications. I squirmed in my seat and stared down at my hands, which were absently sketching on the pad in front of me. "Yeah, you okayed my vacation time months ago, Mike. What's your point?"

I had a feeling I knew what his point was, but I wasn't about to admit it. He sighed and said in a gentle voice, "How are things going with you and Edward?"

Frowning, I looked up at him, my hands stilling their movement. "I don't see..."

Mike held a hand up to stop me. "J, I'm not stupid, so please don't insult my intelligence. I know something was up between you two before your birthday. Hell, the way he looked when we got you home on Halloween..." He trailed off, shaking his head. "I haven't said anything before now because I wanted to give you space, but I get the feeling you need a swift kick in the ass, and I'm more than willing to do the honors here."

My eyes widened, and I felt the traitorous blush creep up my cheeks.

He sighed again. "J, you know I love you, man. But what the hell are you doing?"

I looked down at my hands again, fiddling with my pencil. I hadn't told Mike or any of the guys about my run-in with Paul yet. I hadn't told Mike anything about what had been going on lately. It was really strange that Mike had let things be for this long, since normally he would have said something sooner.

With a soft groan, I sat back in my chair, my eyes focused on a point over his shoulder as I told him about Emily... and about finally coming clean with my sister about what had happened all those years ago.

I told him about running into Paul, and my reaction after seeing him again.

I told him about what Edward had said and done, that he had told me he loved me, and that it scared me and made me soar at the same time.

Throughout, Mike simply sat and listened, his hands folded in his lap. When I was done, he leaned forward, resting his elbows on the edge of my desk, and said, "Do you love him?"

I blinked, my mouth opening and closing, but no words would come out.

"Don't think. Just react. Do. You. Love. Edward?" he said.

I nodded, my voice so soft even I could barely hear it. "Yes."

Mike looked me in the eye and said, "Don't just tell me. Tell him."

I frowned, whispering, "I don't know if I can, Mike..."

I hated admitting that to him... hated that I felt this way, that I was so damn unsure if I was even capable of that kind of love anymore.

"Bull shit." Mike got up and walked around my desk, standing behind me. He rested his hands on my shoulders, squeezing them gently as he said in a softer voice than he'd just used, "You are more than capable of it, Jasper. I see it in you every time you two are together. Every time you talk to him, or even when you just think about him. I've seen it for weeks, but I know what happened to you, so I just gave you some space. But it's about time you realized it for yourself. You have a lot to offer someone. Edward is lucky to have you, but he deserves to know how you feel, too. Trust me."

He patted my shoulder as I frowned up at him, and he narrowed his eyes playfully at me as he added, "And if you tell anyone I said anything as sappy as that, I will deny it..."

He left the rest of the "threat" hanging in the air, and I couldn't help myself. I laughed.

Mike had left my office not long after that. He'd asked me to really think about things, to remember how I'd felt when Edward had been down in Tennessee and when I had been out of town myself.

And that's exactly what I'd ended up doing all fucking night. I thought about everything that had happened since Edward had come into my life, about the times we'd spent together, and those we'd been forced to spend apart. The implication of how I'd fucked up with Jason and nearly lost everything was there - and I didn't like it. I didn't like any of the feelings that those memories brought up.

At all.

But how the hell was I supposed to tell him how I felt when he was out on that damn shoot all day and well into the night, and I was about to leave for Austin for a week? I couldn't stand the idea of letting this lie even longer than I knew it already had. I was aware that it hurt Edward - I might have been in denial, but I wasn't a complete fool.

This wasn't something I wanted to tell him over the phone, or by text, or even Skype. I needed to tell him, this first time - this first real time - in person. Face-to-face. I could not let him have any doubt about it.

I looked at the alarm clock again.

4:05 a.m.

Fuck it.

I knew he wouldn't have slept for very long, since he had said he wouldn't be done until around midnight, but I just couldn't wait any longer. Now that I'd made up my mind, it was like a fire had been lit inside of me. I jumped out of bed and within half an hour, I had showered, shaved, and dressed. My bags had already been packed and were waiting by the door.

There wasn't a lot of time, since I still had to pick up Emily for our very early flight, but if I was quick, I could just make it to Edward's in time. The entire way over, I debated how to tell him, what to tell him... and worried over his reaction.

When I finally pulled to a stop in front of his house, I sat in the car for several long minutes, trying to will my feet to move. A text from Emily brought me out of the stupor I'd found myself in: You awake yet, Spurs?

I sent her a quick text back, assuring her I was up and about, and got out of the car. I really didn't have time to waste, and God only knew how long it'd take before I was able to wake Edward up. Standing on his doorstep, I took one final, centering breath, and knocked rapidly on the door before ringing the bell. I knew it was obnoxious, but at that point I really didn't care. I couldn't stand the thought of not being able to tell him before I left.

Muttering under my breath for him to please wake up, I continued my barrage on the door, alternately ringing the bell, knocking, and rubbing my hands together - it was fucking cold. Finally, after a couple of minutes, I saw the lights go on, and then I heard Edward grumbling as he opened the door, "Where the hell is the fi-" He paused, dumbstruck as he took in my appearance, and then finished, "-re... Jasper?"

Edward stood in the doorway, wearing only his lounge pants and an open robe. He blinked a few times, as if trying to make sure it was really me, and then stood aside, saying, "Come in...everything okay?"

I shook my head, shifting my weight from foot to foot nervously. I felt so on edge that I was about ready to burst out of my skin. "I-I can't...I have to pick up Emily and then go to the airport."

"Okay..." Edward frowned and stifled a yawn, mumbling, "Sorry..." He shook his head as if to clear it and then said, "What's wrong? I wasn't expecting to see you until after Thanksgiving."

He sounded a little hesitant and a lot concerned - something that made my gut twist even further into knots. I stepped up to him, my eyes flickering between his as I took his face in my hands. I tried to find my voice, but it took me several tries before I managed to get the words out. My voice was still so quiet that I knew he had a hard time hearing it. "Edward...I couldn't leave. Not...not without telling you. I had to tell you..."

His hands came to my elbows as he watched me carefully, a frown marring his brow as he whispered, "It's okay, Jazz...whatever it is, it'll be okay..."

I let out a breathy chuckle, fixed my eyes on his, and took a deep breath before saying softly, "I love you, Edward Masen."

Edward's eyes widened, and he gave a quiet gasp. His fingers tightened their hold on my arms. "Jasper..?" he croaked.

Something inside of me had released the moment I'd said those words out loud to him. I couldn't keep from grinning, as I said in a much stronger voice, "I love you."

He pulled me roughly to him, his lips claiming mine in a fierce, heated kiss - one I only too willingly returned. When we were both breathless, he rested his forehead against mine, and whispered hoarsely, "God, Jazz...I didn't think...I-I love you, too. So much, baby..."

He kissed me again, his fingers hooking through my belt loops as he began tugging me over the threshold into the house. Placing my hands on his hips, I stopped him. "I'm sorry, I wish I could. God, I wish I could, but I really can't come in. If I do, we both know what'll happen, and I don't have time...Lee'd kill me..."

He groaned, closing his eyes as he rested his head on my shoulder. I thought I heard him mumble, "Fucking unfair," but I wasn't sure.

With a sigh, he stood up straight again, his eyes searching mine. He brushed my hair from my face and said softly, "What changed?"

I blushed bright red, and Edward's eyebrows rose with concern and curiosity. Clearing my throat, I lowered my eyes to somewhere along his collarbone and muttered, "Just...everything... You being there that week, even after...and what you wrote...and Mike..."

As I mumbled my answer, my voice got quieter and quieter as Edward's eyes grew wider and wider. I shifted my weight from foot to foot, scared out of my mind that my indirect admission would cost me his love now that I was finally ready to be with him - ready to love him.

"You..." he started.

I nodded, raising my eyes to him pleadingly as I cut across him, babbling, "I woke up, and you were gone...and your journal was open on your pillow...I saw my name, and I-I couldn't help myself...I-I'm sorry. I know I shouldn't have, and I'm so sorry. Please, please, Edward, please forgive m-"

He silenced me with a hard kiss, his hands gripping my face tightly. When he pulled away, it was just far enough to whisper, "Jasper, please...shut up."

His eyes bore down on mine as he took a deep breath, exhaling through his nose. "You're right; you shouldn't have read it. But I should have known better than to leave it open like that."

"But-"

He shook his head, then said, "Give me a minute," and disappeared inside before I could respond. I stood there, awkwardly shifting from foot to foot as I wondered what he was doing.

When he came back, he had his journal with him. He took my hand and pressed the notebook into it. His eyes were intent on mine as he said, "Here, I want you to read it. No more secrets, Jasper."

I opened my mouth a few times, my gaze flickering from the journal to him. I shook my head, "I-I can't, Edward...that's your private-"

He curled my fingers around the book. "I know. I want you to have it. Read it. All of it."

"But...you've never...I know you've never shared your writing..."

I recoiled from the idea of delving into something that was so personal to him. He'd seen my drawings, and I knew how much those meant to me. I couldn't imagine this being any different. I'd betrayed an unspoken trust just by reading the short passage I had.

Edward shivered, reminding me that he was barely dressed and that it was freezing. Squeezing my hand, he said, "You're right; I haven't. But I think you need to read this."

I shook my head, handing it back to him. "I don't, Princess. I can't take this."

He sighed, cupping my cheek. "Jazz...I meant what I said. I don't want there to be any more secrets between us. No more holding back."

My phone's text alert interrupted any further arguing. I knew it would be from Emily. I glanced at my watch and muttered, "Shit...sorry..."

I checked the message, sent a quick reply that I was on my way, and then focused on Edward again. "Baby, I gotta go..."

He nodded, grabbed the back of my neck, and kissed me passionately. The way he pulled me to him, his fingers knotting in my hair, his hips flush with mine... it almost made me forget there was a reason to stop, and I started to push him inside. My phone alerting me to yet another text stopped me short, and I pulled away with a soft, "Fuck..."

Edward's eyes burned as he kissed me hard once more, and his voice was gruff with emotion and desire as he said, "I'm going to miss you, Cuddles. Have a safe flight. Let me know when you get there?"

I nodded. "I will, Princess. I love you."

His eyes lit up when I said it, as did his smile. That expression warmed something in me, and I knew instantly that I wanted to see it again. "I love you, too, Jasper."

"You'd better get inside, baby. I'm sorry for waking you so early, by the way."

He laughed, shaking his head in disbelief. "Sweetheart, I promise, I don't mind in the least. That was worth being woken up for." He brushed my cheek with his fingertips and smiled. "Have a good holiday, Jazz."

I nodded, and with one final kiss, I went to my car. I'd just started the engine when I heard, "Jasper, wait!" and looked up to find Edward running toward me, his bare feet stuffed in sneakers and his robe flapping behind him.

Rolling down my window, I looked up at him quizzically. "Babe, what-?"

He grabbed my hand again, pushing his journal into it once more. "Please...take it."

I frowned. I didn't have time to argue with him about this, so I relented, placing the journal on the passenger seat for now. Glancing at him again, I said softly, "I have to go...I'm sorry."

He leaned in, kissing me briefly before telling me once more that he loved me and to tell Emily he said 'hi'. He was shivering and crossed his arms over his chest.

"Get inside, Edward, before you catch your death," I admonished, sounding more like my mother than I ever had.

He simply shrugged. I shook my head, put the car in gear, and had to force myself to drive away. When I looked in my rear-view mirror, it was to see him standing in the same spot, waving at me.

How I got to Emily's, I wasn't sure; my mind seemed to be stuck on replay as I went over and over the past hour. Emily was waiting outside with her bags on the ground and two cups of coffee in her hands. I took a moment to tuck Edward's journal into my carry-on before I got out of the car.

She took a few steps toward me, looking a little grumpy as she said, "You're late, Spurs."

I blushed, ducking my head as I went to put her luggage in the car. "Sorry, sis," I mumbled.

When I looked up, she handed me my coffee while giving me a shrewd look. She didn't say anything, though; she simply got in the car and buckled up. All the way to the airport, she kept glancing at me but remained quiet - just sipping her coffee. I wondered if I could be so lucky as to escape the third degree, or if she was just biding her time until she was more awake.

After parking the car in long-term parking, we made our way over to the check-in counter. It didn't take us very long, thankfully - despite having cut things very close, thanks to my impromptu stop at Edward's - and before I knew it, we were boarding our plane.

We were seated in business class, allowing us a little more room - and privacy. Emily sat next to the window, but for once didn't pay any attention to what was going on around her. She was too busy watching me. "You look like you haven't slept at all."

"I haven't." I shrugged.

She frowned. "Don't tell me you and Edward..." she trailed off, waving her hand as if to say, "You know what I mean."

Chuckling, I shook my head. "No. He was working until late last night, helping out Kate." I blushed and said quietly, "I did stop by his place this morning, though. I had to..."

She put her hand over mine and said, "Had to see him one more time before you left. I get it."

I gave her a small smile. "Yeah, something like that." She grinned, patting my hand. I yawned, blinking my eyes rapidly as I muttered, "Sorry, Lee."

Emily rolled her eyes. "You should try to get some sleep while you can. You know once we get home, you won't get a chance."

I nodded and kissed her cheek. "Thanks, Lee Lee."

She squeezed my hand, and that was the last I knew before she woke me a few hours later to let me know we were landing. I felt a little groggy but went through the motions of leaving the plane, getting our luggage, and making our way to the usual meeting point.

"Uncle J! Uncle J! Auntie Em!"

A chorus of small voices greeted us as Finn and Conall came running up to us. I had just enough time to put my bags down and kneel with my arms stretched out to catch Finn as he jumped me. Hugging him tightly to me, I blew a raspberry on his cheek, sending him into peals of giggles.

Conall had found his way to Emily's arms, and she was carrying him on her hip as she ruffled his hair, whispering to him.

I stood up, carrying Finn and glancing around for my sister-in-law even as I said, "Hey, slugger! What are you doing here?"

Makenna saw me before I saw her. She laughed as she stepped up to us and kissed me on the cheek. "The boys insisted on coming along to pick up their favorite aunt and uncle."

She greeted Emily in kind and reached for Emily's bag while I picked up mine. Finn's arms were tight around my neck, even as I leaned in to kiss his brother on the cheek. I said, "Hey, Conall. I can't believe how much you two have grown since I saw you last!"

They both giggled, and Finn said, "I'm a big boy now, Uncle J! I go to school!"

I looked at him with widened eyes, feigning shock, and said, "I know! You need to stop growing so fast. I won't be able to carry you soon."

He shrieked as I tickled him awkwardly. We made our way to Mack's car, and after she'd secured the boys in their seats and I'd put our luggage in the back, she gave us both warm hugs. "It's good to see ya again, you two. It's been too long."

Something about hearing her familiar brogue soothed me, and I smiled. "I missed you, too, Mack. Sorry it's been so long. You look good."

"Ah, thanks, Jasper. So do you...tired, but good," she said, narrowing her eyes as if to take a proper look.

We got in the car, and I let the sounds of the boys' excited babbling and Emily and Mack's conversation wash over me as we drove to the ranch. I was almost, but not quite, able to fall asleep again. As soon as we pulled up to the house, Conall yelled, "Gamma, Gamma!"

I looked up to see Mama walk out of the house, wiping her hands on her apron as she approached the car. Her hair was the same color as mine, but aside from that, it was as if an older version of Emily was walking up to us. The thought that their similarities seemed to increase as my sister got older struck me, making me smile.

Emily was out of the car first and launched herself into our mother's arms with a squeal. I got out slowly, watching their reunion with a smile. When Mama let her go, she stepped up to me and folded me into her arms. I wrapped mine around her, hugging her tight as I closed my eyes and breathed her in, overcome by the sense of being home.

"Hi Mama...I've missed you." I whispered into her hair.

"I've missed you, too, Son. You must be tired from your flight. Come inside; I made you your favorite."

Pulling away, I grinned. "I love you, Mama."

She laughed, swatting my arm playfully as she said, "I love you, too. Now come on. Inside, all of you. Wash your hands before you sit down," she admonished us.

I chuckled and went inside, leaving our luggage for later. Once we were all freshened up and seated, Mama served the adults some coffee, while she gave Conall and Finn some milk. A big tray of sandwiches appeared on the table, as Mama said, "Y'all missed the boys by a couple of minutes, but I saved you some. Figured you might be hungry..."

I chuckled as I noticed her wrinkle her nose; Mama detested the foods served on flights, believing it to be unfit for any man to eat. She was standing right next to me, so I placed my arm around her waist and gave her a sideways hug, even as I reached for a roast beef sandwich with my other hand. "Thanks, Mama. You're right; I'm starving. Haven't had anything to eat yet today."

She patted my shoulder affectionately and went to take a seat at the head of the table. While the rest of us ate, she filled us in on the goings on at the ranch and with the neighbors. When she was satisfied we had all had our fill of sandwiches, she put the rest away.

Mack got up to get everyone more coffee, and as she was pouring it out, Mama served up her peach cobbler, adding a scoop of vanilla ice cream to each bowl. I blushed, remembering that night at Edward's when he'd cooked for me. Mama gave me a speculative look but didn't say anything other than, "Enjoy, sweetheart."

Emily and Mack were talking quietly, both of them making sure the boys behaved themselves. Mama asked how things were going at work, how Mike and the other guys were doing, and we chatted for a bit after we finished dessert.

When the boys started to get fussy, Mack got to her feet and said, "Okay, I'm gonna head home with these two. It's naptime."

She gave them both a pointed look as they started to pout and whine. "No arguin', you lot. Come on."

While she wrestled the boys into compliance, Emily and I went to get our luggage out of Mack's car. After giving each of the boys a kiss on the forehead and Mack another hug, I went to stand by Mama. Mack promised they'd be back for dinner, and Emily fussed over Conall some more before she was satisfied and gave each boy a kiss.

As soon as Mack had driven out of sight, Mama patted my arm and said, "Why don't you and Emily get yourselves settled into your rooms and relax for a while? I'll call when dinner's ready."

"Mama," Emily started to protest, but Mama just shook her head, holding up her hand.

I rolled my eyes, kissed her on the top of her head, and said, "Alright. C'mon, Lee."

There was no point arguing with the woman. It was always the same whenever we'd come home - neither of us would be allowed to do anything useful on our first day here. Mama always insisted that we'd had a long day already, though in truth, she did more in any given day than we ever did.

Once I was in my room, the first thing I did was call Edward. I settled onto my childhood bed, my legs stretched out in front of me as I waited for him to answer. After the fifth ring, he picked up with a mumbled, "Masen."

I bit my lip and smiled, even though I felt bad for obviously waking him up again. "Hey, baby..."

I heard the rustling of sheets and imagined him turning onto his back. "Hey, yourself." He cleared his throat and added, "Did you and Emily have a good flight?"

We talked for a while, and he laughed when I told him about Mama's peach cobbler. He asked me questions about Finn and Conall, and then he asked if I'd had a chance to see everyone yet. "Nah, Daddy and Chuck were already back at work by the time we got here. I'll see them tonight, though. Mack's coming back with the boys so we can have a family dinner and stuff."

"Sounds like fun. Hey, you remembered your laptop, right?"

I grinned, running my fingers through my hair as my eyes flickered to my carry-on. "Yeah, I did, Princess. I'll try to get online tonight; I can't promise anything, though. Kinda didn't get any sleep last night...got a nap on the flight here, but..." Edward made a disgruntled noise, which made me chuckle. "Sorry, sweetheart. I'll try, though."

"Good...I miss you."

I rested my head back against the wall and sighed. "Yeah, I miss you, too."

We exchanged I love you's and hung up not long after. Being away from him was different this time. In some ways, knowing where we stood helped a lot, but it also made me feel off, somehow. I didn't like being away from him; it felt almost as if a part of me was missing.

It also didn't help that I wanted to show him just how much I meant those words, and I hadn't had a chance yet. I was left feeling anxious and incomplete, but at least I knew he was thinking of me just as I was him.

I spent the rest of the time before dinner unpacking my things for the week and going through some of my old stuff. It'd been a long time since I was home last, and I didn't usually spend much time in my room when I did visit. Typically, I never paid any attention to the things that represented my life here. Now, though, I was compelled to walk down memory lane.

My eyes roamed over the various pictures and prizes that I'd accumulated back in high school. The posters had me rolling my eyes at myself - well, the ones that depicted fast cars and bikini-clad girls did, at least. They had been my attempt at mimicking Chuck, at playing straight. He'd had similar ones in his room, so I had them, too. Funnily enough, all of them had been given to me by him at one point or another.

I felt my lips twitch with a smile as I scanned the trophies I'd earned for rodeo events. Chuck and I both had some for tie-down calf roping; we'd had plenty of practice helping out on the ranch. He'd been better at bull riding than I was, but he couldn't compare to me on a cutting horse. I wondered idly if I'd still be able to do it, but I knew better than to ask my brother about it. He still went to rodeos, not to mention working on the ranch.

Shaking my head, I let my eyes wander until they fell on my yearbook. Taking it off the shelf, I went to sit back on my bed. After I settled up against the headboard, I began leafing through the book, lingering on familiar faces. I hadn't looked at these pictures in years - truthfully, not since before Paul.

I traced the smiling faces of the three guys that stood out most for me: Fred, Diego, and Santiago. They'd been the ones I'd done most of my experimenting with back in school, when I'd been trying to figure out who I was and who - or what - I liked. I hadn't loved any of them, nor had they been in love with me. We'd simply been there and made the most of the opportunities that had arisen at the time.

It was a little strange to look back at that time now, especially after having heard Edward's story. I wasn't entirely sure how I felt about the way I'd handled things back then. I sat back, my hands resting on the pages as I stared into space, thinking... wondering how different my life would have been if I had waited like Edward had.

I allowed my thoughts to linger on that for a while before shaking my head with a huff and mumbling, "No point in wondering 'what if,' Whitlock."

Nothing you can do about the past. Worry about your future.

I closed my yearbook with a snap and put it back. I stretched out on the bed, yawning. I intended to relax for a few minutes, but a soft knock on the door woke me up. I blinked in confusion and looked around. As soon as I realized where I was, I sat up and smiled. "Come in, Lee," I called.

She opened the door and grinned at me. "Hey, Spurs, Mama says dinner's almost done and to get freshened up. Better not keep her waiting. Daddy and Chuck are washing up now, and Mack'll be here with the boys any minute."

"Okay, thanks, sis."

She nodded, then closed the door behind her as she presumably went to try to help Mama. After I washed my face and hands, I felt a little more myself again, and I went downstairs to find Emily playing with Finn and Conall while Mack set the table.

I heard someone walk up behind me and just as I started to turn, I felt a hand clasp my shoulder. Then Daddy's familiar, gruff voice said, "Welcome home, Son."

He pulled me in for a hug then, and I closed my eyes for a moment, breathing in the old, familiar scents that made up Daddy - tobacco, saddle oil, and cattle. "Thanks, Daddy," I murmured. "It's good to be home."

Daddy patted my back several times before he let go with a grin. "You look good, Jasper. Mama said you'd been sick."

I blushed and nodded. "Just the flu."

He gave me a scrutinizing look but said nothing. Mama told us all to have a seat, and it wasn't until Mack had gotten both boys into their seats that Chuck finally showed up at the table.

Typical.

I shook my head with a sigh. As much as I loved my brother, I couldn't help but wonder why he always seemed to duck out or mysteriously not show up until after the fact when it came to certain things, like getting his sons settled in for mealtimes. Mack had long since given up on trying to change it, claiming he made up for it by handling other tasks she was adverse to. I never learned what those were, though.

Chuck grinned, bumping a fist against my shoulder in greeting as he sat down. "'Bout time you showed your face here again, little brother."

"Thanks," I said wryly. "Good to see your ugly face again, too."

"Boys..." Mama said sternly, her eyes flickering between Chuck and me.

I held up my hands in a gesture of surrender, trying - and failing - to keep from grinning. It felt all too familiar.

After Daddy said grace, we all sat and talked while we ate, catching up on each others' lives. Everything went fine, and I was relaxed right up until the moment I heard Emily say to Mama, "...and Edward said he'd teach me more about photography and developing film and all that stuff. I'm really looking forward to it."

I looked up in surprise, my fork hovering halfway between my plate and my mouth as I noticed my mother's questioning eyes go from Emily to me and back again. Emily, who didn't appear to think anything of it, turned to me and went on in the same breath, "Actually, I'm surprised Edward didn't come along. I would've thought with how things are going between you two..."

Her voice died out as she registered the look on my face, which was burning with embarrassed trepidation. I hadn't told anyone besides her about him, and from the way Mama was looking at Emily, she'd clearly caught on immediately. And I had no idea how to deal with it.

Emily bit her lip, looking anxious suddenly. She mouthed, "I'm sorry." All I could do was nod at her numbly. Everyone's attention appeared to be focused on me, making me wish a hole would open up and swallow me, just so I wouldn't have to deal with anything right then.

Slowly, I placed my fork on my plate, suddenly not at all hungry anymore. Mama was watching me closely, concern and what I thought was hope clear in her eyes. When it became clear that neither Emily nor I was going to say anything straight away, she raised an expectant eyebrow and said, "Who's Edward?"

I opened and closed my mouth several times in an attempt to speak, but no words would come out. It wasn't as if I didn't want to tell them about Edward...I just didn't know how - or even what to tell them.

What is he? I know I love him, and he me, but...

My heart started beating faster in time with the anxiety I felt creeping up. I had no label for what we were. We never had the chance to talk about it after I'd finally admitted my feelings for him, and it didn't feel right to call him my boyfriend yet, not without talking to him first, anyway.

As I was struggling to figure out what to tell them, Chuck spoke up in between shoving forkfuls of potato in his mouth. "Why would Spurs wanna bring home a piece of tail, anyway? Thanksgiving is family time."

Where all eyes had been on me seconds before, now everyone gaped at Chuck in shock, me included, though I also felt the stirrings of anger.

Anger that increased as Chuck glanced around at our faces, shrugged, and said, "What? Y'all know as well as I do the boy's only ever interested in one thing, and white picket fences, it ain't."

"Charles!" Mama said, looking utterly aghast.

Mack rounded on her husband, smacking him upside the head as she hissed, "Charles Emerson Whitlock, I'm ashamed of you!"

I was hurt by his words - for myself, of course, but oddly enough, more for Edward's sake. I was also seething, partially because he'd hit too close to the mark, at least with regards to any relationships I might have had in the past since Paul.

But I just could not stand to hear him dismiss Edward in that manner, even if Chuck had no idea how things were.

And it was worse because it was my fault they didn't understand.

My hands were clenched into fists as I shoved my chair back from the table, and it took everything I had not to lunge at my brother in that moment - I refused to do that to Mama. Instead, I stood up, my fists resting on the table as I glared at him and ground out through my teeth, "Don't you dare refer to Edward as 'a piece of tail,' Chuck. Edward's a good man - and right now I think he's a damn sight better'n you. He's been there for me in ways you can't even comprehend."

I wanted to say more, but found that I didn't have the words. Taking a couple of deep breaths, I closed my eyes, trying to get my temper under control. I was shaking when I said, "Mama, may I please be excused?"

She whispered, "Of course, Son."

I opened my eyes to look at her and nodded. "Thanks for dinner, Mama." I turned to look at Mack, giving her a small smile. "Mack, thanks...I'm sure I'll see you in the next day or so."

Makenna nodded. Her eyes were still hard for her husband as she glared at him briefly before focusing on me with an apologetic smile. I shook my head at her, hoping she understood that she had nothing to apologize for. She couldn't help that my brother could be an insensitive prick at times.

Or that I was more hurt because he had a reason to say what he had.

I caught Emily's eye as I stepped away from the table, and I patted her shoulder as I walked by her on my way to my room. I knew she felt bad for what had happened, but I honestly wasn't upset with her.

Once I was in the sanctuary of my room with the door closed behind me, I retrieved my carry-on and took it to my bed. I pulled out my laptop, intending to boot it up, but Edward's journal fell out instead.

All the anger I'd felt faded as I picked up the innocuous notebook and settled against the headboard. Almost reverently, my fingertips traced the pattern of the fabric cover - a very simple zigzag weave. I had no intention of ever reading more than the few passages I already had, but holding it made me feel connected to him somehow.

I rolled my eyes at myself, even as I wished he were here with me. Opening the journal to the very first page - one that I knew would hold only a This book belongs to segment - I couldn't help but smile. Edward's neat script had not only stated the diary was his, but had also penned in a couple of quotes.

Sometimes it takes years to really grasp what has happened to your life. - Wilma Rudolph.

I stared at that for a minute, realizing just how true that was for me in this time of my life. I was only beginning to understand everything that had happened and what it all meant for me.

The next quote was by Soren Kierkegaard: Life can only be understood backwards, but it must be lived forwards.

The meaning of that one was much the same as the previous, but it held one important distinction that felt very much like something Edward would live by. You had to keep going on, move forward, no matter what.

I sat and stared out my window, frowning. Had I truly been moving forward with my life after Paul? Up until meeting Edward, anyway. In some ways, it felt as if I hadn't really started living again until he'd come into my life. Hadn't he awakened feelings in me that I hadn't dared give the light of day for years now?

How long I sat staring blankly out my window, I had no idea, but the need to see Edward became too much. What I really wanted was to hold him - be held by him - as I tried to figure this out, but that wasn't possible. Even if we had been in the same city at that moment, I knew full well that it would take me awhile to come to terms with things. There were no quick and easy answers to be had, no matter how much I might wish them to be.

When I couldn't deny my need to at least see him any longer, I powered up my laptop and prayed he was on. Before my Skype had even finished loading, Edward had pinged me. The smile that broke out on my lips was wide as I accepted the call.

"Hey, baby..."

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Chapter 25 ~ Chapter 27

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