Topsy Turvy

A/N: Dearest theladyingrey42,

We hope you know how much you mean to us both. We feel incredibly lucky to know you and to have you as a beta. You are amazing, and we hope your day is just as awesome! We wanted to share you a little bit of awkward boy love - we hope you enjoy it!

As ever, we do not own Twilight - it owns us.

ooOoo

Normal

He's sitting so close, his leg pressed against mine so tightly that I can feel his knee bouncing. His blue eyes are focused on the screen, completely absorbed by our game.

The way I should be.

So why am I not?

Why do I keep noticing the freckle right beside his ear and the little scar on his jaw from when he fell out of my tree house when we were nine? Why do I keep breathing deeply, pretending to sigh just so I can smell him?

Why can't I just hang out with my best friend and be normal?

Anxious

"Ha!"

Jasper's exclamation as he beats me – again – startles me out of my reverie. I know he's grinning, but I try to ignore it, choosing instead to hit rematch.

He nudges my elbow. "Third time's the charm?"

I huff noncommittally and try to focus just on Mortal Combat, but it's pointless. The only thing I'm apparently able to really take in, is everything Jasper.

Far too quickly, he knocks my health down again and beats me.

"Oh, man! Did you see that? God, I love Subzero's abilities!" he says excitedly.

Throwing my controller on the couch, I clear my throat.

Excuse

I wipe my sweaty palms on my knees and stand up, suddenly desperate for some air. "Think I'm going to take a break and grab a drink. Want anything?"

"Yeah, man, you got any Dr. Pepper?"

I nod and head for the kitchen without even looking at him. I can't. Not since that night a month ago – the night I figured out exactly how I felt about him.

Not now.

Swallowing hard, I force away the memory of how I lay there that night, hard and wanting and scared out of my mind.

And he has no idea. He can't.

Request

Jasper walks into the kitchen while I'm scouring the fridge for the last can of Dr. Pepper. My only warning is his casual, "Hey, Ed, got anything to eat? I'm starving."

Jerking my head upward, I hit the frame. "Ow, damn it!"

Jasper's quickly by my side, hand on my shoulder and his face full of concern as I stand up, rubbing what's sure to turn into a nice bump.

"You okay?"

"Yeah... sorry... food. Umm, Hot Pockets?" I hedge, trying to ignore the heat – both that spreading across my face and radiating from his hand still on my shoulder.

Escape

The few minutes it takes to heat up our snack seem awkwardly long. Jasper apparently doesn't notice, rambling about the game until I want to scream.

This is the worst part – just feeling wrong. I miss him, and he's only a few feet away, but he might as well be on the other side of the world. He used to know everything about me, and I guess he thinks he still does.

When the microwave finally beeps, I yank it open and dump the food onto plates. "Let's go outside," I manage.

Stepping onto the porch, I can breathe again.

Silence

After a few attempts to engage me in conversation, Jasper gives up, so we eat in silence.

Somehow, it just makes me feel more anxious because he keeps shooting me worried glances. I know him well enough to know he's wondering what he did wrong ,and it kills me. Because it's not him.

This is all on me.

And I hate it.

I hate myself. It should be so simple. Jasper's my best friend. I know he's tight with his cousin Garrett, even hangs out with him and his boyfriend all the time.

So why can't I just tell him?

Change

I know the answer to that question, though. If I were just gay, I'm pretty sure I could tell him. Maybe.

But telling him I want him is another thing entirely.

Suddenly not hungry, I lean back against the railing, leaving the rest of my food untouched.

"Think I've had enough games for one day," Jasper says, and I glance at him automatically.

"'kay," I answer, unsure what else to say. I feel a strange sense of disappointment that he's leaving, even though I know it'll be easier for me.

"Let's go to the park?"

"Really?" I ask in surprise.

Alone

The park behind our house is nearly empty in spite of it being summer. It's early enough that most parents are still at work, which luckily leaves the kids at home.

Jasper starts goofing around on the slides, not caring how he looks or what anyone might think. He's just having fun.

One of the many things I love about him.

It doesn't take him long to convince me to join in, and I'm able to let go for a while.

A little bit.

At least I can look at him without worrying, as long as I stay behind him.

Monkey

Jasper leaps onto the monkey bars, and my eyes are drawn to the way his muscles bunch beneath his shirt as he swings between the bars. I try to look away, but I just can't.

And then he catches me.

He looks over his shoulder, and his voice is strained from dangling there when he says, "You coming or what, man?"

Trying to shake the haze from my brain, I follow behind him. I hope he takes the burn on my cheeks for exertion, but I feel mortified.

Gradually, my embarrassment fades into the familiar comfort I want with him.

Unbalanced

We're hanging upside-down, side-by-side as we swing gently back and forth. In an odd way, it makes me feel more centered, and for once, I'm starting to feel I'm me again – and that Jasper's... Jasper – my best friend.

Like everything is how it used to be.

For just. One. Minute.

Then he bumps my shoulder with his and says, "Talk to me, Ed."

Just like that, my entire being feels off-kilter again, and I struggle to regain some form of balance even as I try to find words.

Jasper looks at me, patiently waiting for me to spill my guts.

Rapid

My heart pounds in my chest as I look away. "Nothing."

"Bull shit."

His voice is softer than I expect, and I glance at him. It's hard to read his expression upside-down as he is, but he looks… hurt, somehow.

"Don't try that with me," he says gruffly. "You've been… weird lately."

At that, my eyes drift away from him again. I can't seem to meet his gaze, so I stare at the mixed-up world around me and feel the blood rush to my head.

"What did I do?"

There's no mistaking the pain in his voice.

"Nothing," I repeat.

Struggle

All is quiet for a while. Outside my head, at least.

My mind, however, is so tumultuous I'm barely able to make sense of my own thoughts. The fact that I hurt him – and I know I have – is eating me up inside. I just don't know what to do.

Or rather, I know what I should do: tell him. But I can't.

Can I?

I'm staring at the bushes when Jasper clears his throat. "So I talked to Garrett the other day..."

Frowning, I turn to look at him in confusion.

"Actually, been talking to him a lot, lately."

Piece

Jasper rambles as we climb around the bars, talking about his cousin's boyfriend Pete and Garrett's art school, and nothing is making any sense at all. I don't understand why he's changing subjects since he was so curious about what was bugging me until I hear it again and again.

His boyfriend.

I suck in a breath and immediately start arguing with myself.

He couldn't possibly mean… that. Could he?

"Are you listening?"

We're upside-down again when his voice breaks through my thoughts.

"Huh? Oh, yeah."

"Yeah, you sound like it," he mutters and sighs. "God, I'm fucking this up…"

Confusion

I frown, searching his face but for once, Jasper's the one refusing to meet my eyes.

"Jazz, what the hell do you mean, you're fucking this up? Fucking what up?"

His jaw works furiously, but all that comes out is, "I mean..." before he huffs in frustration.

He's... blushing?

I blink. Just as I open my mouth to speak, Jasper suddenly moves toward me, his lips capturing mine in a frenzied, heated, blissful moment that's over all too quickly. The only response I manage is to ball my hands into fists so I don't grab him and pull him closer.

Scurry

Jasper's eyes widen before he licks his lips nervously. "I…"

Not even finishing his thought, he flips down to the ground and stalks away without ever looking back.

"Shit."

My own fall to the ground is much less graceful, and I feel the sting of a twisted ankle.

"Jasper, wait!"

If anything, he speeds up. I can't stand the thought of him leaving – especially not like this – so I limp after him.

"Jasper, please. Wait?"

At the sound of pleading in my tone, he stops but doesn't turn around. I watch his hands ball into fists as he looks down.

Apology

The moment I reach him I take a deep breath.

"Ed, I'm sorry-"

"Jazz, I'm sorry-"

For a second, we both freeze, and then Jasper spins on his heel to face me, his eyes wide and so many emotions filling them they make me dizzy.

"Wait, what? You're sorry? I'm the one that fucked everything up," he sputters.

I stare at him, staying quiet a second too long as he continues, "Fuck, I knew I shouldn't've... Ed, please, just forget it, 'kay? I don't want to lose my best friend-"

He rambles on, running his fingers nervously through his hair.

Break

His voice becomes pained as he tries to explain, and his words seem to speed as my smile grows.

Finally, he closes his blue eyes and says, "Just don't hate me. Okay? I should've told you and not just k-"

His babble cuts off in a strangled moan when my lips cover his, pressing hard before I pull away. He doesn't let me go far. Without opening his eyes, he grabs my neck and yanks me back. His kiss excites me in ways I've never known with any girl, heating my skin and chasing all thought out of my head.

Surrender

We're pressed close together, hands grasping anywhere we can reach in an effort to get even closer as we continue to learn each other's taste.

My heart's pounding in my chest – with excitement rather than trepidation, for once.

I've forgotten where we are, completely absorbed by Jasper and wishing that this could last forever.

It doesn't, of course.

A laughing shriek reaches our ears, and we pull apart, wearing matching grins and blushes. Without a word, I take his hand in mine and lead him back to my house – to my room.

To talk.

And maybe kiss a little more.