Dazed and Confused

A/N: Happy Birthday, TuesdayMidnight! We couldn’t let your birthday pass without giving you some boy-love. Hope you enjoy these two. Have a fantastic day, sweets.

As ever, we do not own Twilight - it owns us.

ooOoo

Drag

Taking a pull from the joint, I close my eyes and pass it blindly to my right. Jasper takes it, and I listen to him inhale as a pleasant weightlessness spreads through my body.

I lean back against the post and let my arms drift up, giggling at the sensation.

Everything’s quiet for a minute before Jasper says, “That’s some good shit.”

I giggle again, opening my eyes to look over at him.

“Wannanother beer?” he asks.

I look up as the words play in my head, reordering themselves into nonsense. “Yeah,” I finally say.

Seems like a good answer.


Show

He walks back and hands me a bottle. Even as his ass hits the couch, he practically jumps back up again, saying, “Hey man, wanna see the porn I found? It's Rose's... thought she was sooooooo clever, hiding it in her closet.”

Jasper giggles, nearly doubling over in his delight at his discovery.

I watch him, grinning.
Porn. Porn sounds good.

I'm pretty sure that whatever Rosalie Hale buys will be ten times better in quality than what I can find online for free. The girl has high standards in everything, so I presume it will be no less here.


Blank

Standing in Rosalie’s room is surreal. When we were in middle school, my first fantasies were of her, and I feel myself hardening, just remembering those daydreams and thinking about her watching porn.

I’m not attracted to her anymore. She’s a royal bitch.

Back then, though, all it took was tits in a bikini.

“Here they are!” Jasper calls from inside her closet. He emerges with several blank DVD cases. He holds them out in front of him, staring at them blankly before he shrugs and tosses all but one back inside. “Come on, fucker,” he says, hitting my shoulder.


Flop

We fall onto his bed, and he pulls his laptop over, putting it between us. Starting the disc, we both scoot to sit against the headboard, our eyes fixated on the screen.

Within seconds, images of two naked men and a girl appear. Moans, whimpers, and the smack of flesh being hit by hands fill the air.

I grow painfully hard as I watch how one guy's going down on her... while being sucked off by the other man.

“Jesus...” Jasper breathes.

My eyes flicker to him, almost bulging out of my head when I see him palming his hard-on.


Fix

I can’t tear my eyes away from the sight of him rubbing his crotch rhythmically. Without even thinking about it, I lower my zipper and pull my cock free, groaning at the immediate sense of relief.

Jasper glances over at me, his eyes widening as they focus on my hand wrapped around my shaft. He turns his gaze back to the screen as he lifts his hips, sliding his shorts down.

Holy shit.

I’ve never entertained the thought of being with another guy before, but watching him jack off is…

Fucking hell.

My hand speeds as my eyes drift closed.


Slick

The sounds change, and I open my eyes just in time to see the first guy inside the girl, holding still as the second guy enters him.

“Oh fuck,” I breathe, then spit into my hands before continuing to rub one off.

Never in my life have I watched something like this. It had never occurred to me that it would be pleasurable, but from the sounds coming from those guys...

The snap of a bottle opening focuses my attention back to Jasper. My jaw drops as I see him squirt lube onto his palm, then offer me the bottle.  


Enthralled

I’m in sensory overload, my eyes flickering from the screen to Jasper to my own cock. Gradually, they settle on him, and I watch in fascination as his swollen, purple head disappears and reappears again and again. He throws his head back, pressing it against the headboard, and I watch the tendons in his neck strain.

I feel an overwhelming urge to lick them, to taste his skin – so I do.

Jasper gasps, his head snapping up as he looks at me, wild-eyed. An apology is on the tip of my tongue, but before I can say anything, he attacks.


Weight

Our lips crash together as he pins me down under him; the pure shock of his action makes it impossible for me to move.

I find I don't want to. At least, not away from him.

My hands fly to his hair, gripping tightly as I kiss him back. The novelty of the abrasion of his stubble and the ferocity of the kiss make me even harder than I already was.

Jasper whimpers, bucking his hips to mine. I pull away, cursing, my eyes rolling back into my head at the exquisite sensation of his bare cock sliding against mine.  


New

Jasper’s lips cover my neck, nipping and sucking before I feel his teeth. The sting makes me grab his ass, pulling him closer as I rock my hips against his wildly. I don’t know what the hell I’m trying to say, but something breathless and needy is coming out of me.

He pushes himself up, his lips finding mine again as he reaches between us. When he wraps his hand around both our cocks, I nearly explode. The feel of his soft flesh and hard shaft moving against mine is addictive, and I try to concentrate, wanting it to last.


Pant

Breathing becomes more and more difficult as Jasper jerks our cocks. The foreign sensation of his silken heat against mine is beyond anything I've ever encountered.

My mind's completely shut down, but my mouth is still running, muttering breathless nonsense and pleas for more.

Jasper's curses and moans and assurances he feels the same – so fucking good! – push me closer and closer to the edge.

The sounds from his laptop filter through everything, adding another layer. When I hear one of the guys scream – the one in the middle, I'm sure – I lose it and come harder than ever before.  


Dazed

I collapse onto the pillow, breathing heavily. Jasper pushes himself up, kneeling over me with one fist pressed into the mattress. His eyes are closed, his head hanging down, as he strokes himself impossibly fast.

He pumps his hips, fucking his hand, and I watch in disbelief, amazed and fascinated. “Oh god… oh god… oh… fuck!” he cries.

Hot streams of semen spurt out over my abdomen, coating my shirt along with my own. I vaguely wonder if I should be bothered by all of this, but all I feel is… good.

Damn good.

Jasper opens his eyes, smiling lazily.


Uncertain

We both blink hazily at each other, breathing heavily and trying to get our heartbeats under control.

As my body settles down, my mind clicks into gear, and I frown.
What just happened? What the hell does it mean?

Moans and screams of pleasure continue pouring from his laptop, and I don't feel so good anymore. I close my eyes.

In fact, I suddenly feel very sober and downright scared of what Jasper might think of me. My stomach roils as I wait for his accusations.

The bed shifts as Jasper moves away, all sound ceasing, leaving the air heavy.


Sick

My stomach lurches, threatening to spew the alcohol and God knows what else. I feel like my eyelids are fluttering and the world spinning as lights flicker. I wonder if that’s bad.

I force my eyes to open as I sit up, and I barely have time to lean over the side of the bed before I puke. My hands shake as everything I’ve poured in my stomach comes rushing out.

By the time I’m reduced to dry heaves, I realize that I still haven’t heard a sound from Jasper. I wipe my mouth on the back of my hand.


Stare

Slowly, I sit back up to look over to where I expect him to be, frowning when he's not there.

“Here.”

I jump when I feel the tap of a cold water bottle against my arm and look around to see Jasper watching me with concern. Swallowing past the lump in my throat, I nod and mumble, “Thanks.” I grab the bottle, open it, and greedily guzzle down its contents.

Jasper sits down next to me – silent. Watchful.

Once I'm done, I put the top back on, carefully placing the empty bottle on his nightstand before I look at Jasper.  


Question

“Are we gay?” The question pops out of my mouth, and my eyes bulge.

Why the hell did I say that?

If he wasn’t thinking along those lines, I sure as hell don’t want to bring it up.

Jasper smirks, and his lips stay twisted – in distaste, I think. “Because of… that? No. I think it takes a little more than that.”

My head is pounding, driving out all thoughts, but he seems off. “Oh. Okay.”

His answer seems reasonable but wrong somehow. I can’t stop wondering how we ended up here tonight.

We’ve never done anything like this before.


Fuzzy

Groaning, I hold my head in my hands and lean forward, trying to stop the pounding. I'm too aware of Jasper sitting next to me, stock-still. Watching.

I wonder what to make of that.

Both how he’s acting, and that I am so aware of him. The more I think about it, slow though my thoughts are, the more I feel something’s off about him. I just can't think of what.

Turning my head slightly, I glance at him, frowning. “You sure-”

He huffs, cutting me off brusquely. “Don't worry, Ed. One jerking-off session with me won't turn you gay.”


Twist

I can’t figure out why he’s pissed, but it’s clear that he is. He’s sitting there with his arms crossed over his chest, staring at the ceiling. His jaw’s clenched, and his right hand is fisted so hard his knuckles are white.

“I don’t… wait. What?” I ask blankly. He doesn’t look at me, so I try again. “We both did… that. What do you..?” I lose my train of thought, trying to catch something that I’m sure I’m missing.

He stares straight ahead, shaking his head in disbelief. “Nothing,” he all but growls.

“Jazz, man… talk to me. Okay?”


Stab

He glares at me. I flinch.

Suddenly, he gets up, stomps to his dresser, and pulls out a shirt, throwing it at my head. “And button the fuck up already. Wouldn't want to tempt me, now would you?”

I blanch, automatically zipping up before changing into his shirt dumping mine on the floor. His words hurt and don't quite make sense even though I have the feeling they should.

Right now, I'd give anything to be able to think clearly, because I'm sure that if I could, all of this would make sense.

Then again, none of it would've happened.


Dim

I freeze in place, stunned as one thought hits me.

I wanted it to happen.

Swallowing hard, I try to ignore the way the room spins again. Whatever I’d been about to say flies out of my head, and I sit down on the edge of Jasper’s bed hard. With my head in my hands, I tug at my hair.

Why doesn’t anything make sense?

Then, just that quickly, something does.

I raise my head, dropping my hands. “Are you gay, Jasper?”

He barks a bitter laugh. “Get the fuck out.”

Turning slowly on the bed, I look at him.


Seethe

I blink, stunned to see Jasper – red-faced, jaw clenched, fists balled, feet and shoulders squared. I've never seen him this angry.

“Jasper?” I ask uncertainly.

“I said. Get. The. Fuck. Out!”

I try to do as he says, but I can't make my body work right. The very idea of leaving him like this, of not talking about what happened – what is happening – is an almost physical weight keeping me in place.

“But... I... Jazz... I didn't-”

I'm not sure what I'm trying to say. All I know is I need to do something to fix... this. Whatever this is.  


Explode

“You didn’t what? You didn’t mean to get half-naked? You didn’t mean to jack off in front of me? You didn’t mean to let a fag kiss you and hump you and fucking come all over you?”

Jasper’s words wash over me, finally providing that missing piece of the puzzle.

“I didn’t know you were gay.” My voice is quiet, but it cuts across his tirade. His jaw snaps shut as he jerks his head away, squeezing his eyes closed.

I half-expect him to launch into another attack, but he sighs, his shoulders drop, and he just looks so… tired.


Deflate

Jasper flops onto his bed, pulling his pillow from under his head and throwing it as hard as he can at his closet. It seems to be the only fight he has in him, since he puts his arms under his head and stares up at the ceiling.

I turn to face him, wanting to talk about this, but not having any idea where to even begin, so we sit in silence.

Jasper's hoarse voice startles me. “How could you not know, Ed? Especially when-” he cuts off abruptly, his eyes darting to mine before focusing on the ceiling again.  


Explanation

I lick my lips, unsure how to answer that. When he asks the question that way, it seems beyond stupid that I hadn’t figured it out.

But I hadn’t.

It’s as simple as that.

I exhale heavily and move to sit at the foot of the bed, facing him. “I… don’t know,” I admit. “I just…”

When I don’t continue, he asks the ceiling, “Then why the hell would you do… that… with me?”

“I don’t know,” I repeat. “I guess… I was just into it. I’ve never thought about a guy like that before, but… well, it’s you, Jazz…”


Derision

He snorts, eyes cutting sharply to mine as he bites, “So… what? You thought, 'hey, those guys are fucking – why don't I give it a try with my best friend?' What the fuck, man?”

I flinch, blushing. It takes a few seconds for the shame I feel to turn into anger. “I don't know, alright? I've never thought of a guy like that before. I've never watched that kind of porn in my life. You know I've always been a tits 'n ass kind of guy.”

This time, he flinches.

I sigh. “When I saw you... doing that… I just...”


Compelled

“I swear to God,” he breaks in. “If you say ‘I just’ one more time…”

“Sorry,” I mutter, looking down at my hands. The haze of alcohol and weed is fading with time and the situation I find myself in, and I feel awkward. “I j-… umm, I mean... fuck, Jazz, I don’t know what I mean. All I know is that all this is really new to me. You’re suddenly gay and you just came all over my shirt and I…”

My cheeks flame, and I can’t bring myself to say the words.

“You what?”

“I… kinda liked it.”


Admit

Silence.

I want to look at him so bad, but I can't seem to lift my head to do so. My heart's beating in my chest as I wonder whether I'm gay, too, or if it's just Jasper, or… what.

My mind's reeling even as my body's trying to split in two.

One part wants to run out the door; the other wants to be with Jasper. To hold him. Be comforted by him.

“You... liked it?” he whispers, so low I almost miss it.

I nod, closing my eyes tightly.

The bed shifts again as silence falls once more.


Touch

I jump when I feel Jasper’s hand on my arm. My eyes fly to him, and he drops his hand.

“Sorry,” he mutters. “Look, Ed… I don’t…” Sighing, he runs his fingers through his hair and meets my eye. “I’m sorry. About what happened, I mean. It was… I guess it was a really big fucking mistake. I thought you wanted…”

He breaks off suddenly, clearing his throat and looking away.

“Wanted what?” It seems the safest thing to say.

“Me,” he answers in a small voice. He looks down, watching his fingers pick at a hole in his jeans.


Confusion

Shifting on the bed to face him, I clear my throat. I'm completely unsure of what's right, here, and feel like I'm stuck in a marshland where any step could end in quicksand.

My voice is soft, careful, as I whisper, “I don't know, Jazz. I honestly wasn't thinking about anything... I just-”

I cringe as his head shoots up with narrowed eyes. Holding up my hands in surrender, I continue, “Sorry, sorry... I don't know how else to fucking say this, okay? I went with it because it felt good. Being with you like that... felt good. Great, actually.”


Blush

Jasper’s face turns bright red, and it feels like my own cheeks are going to burst into flame. I turn away and squeeze my eyes shut.

God, this isn’t happening.

“Hey,” Jasper’s soft voice brings me out of my thoughts, disjointed and confused as they are. I open my eyes but don’t look up. “Listen… I don’t think we’re going to figure this shit out tonight. I’m sorry I got pissed. Just… fuck, Ed. Just don’t hate me, please?”

He sounds so small and hurt, but I can’t touch him. I just nod, looking at the comforter.

“Please?” he whispers.


Sleep

“I don't hate you.”

His sigh of relief is audible.

“So, err... I can sleep on the couch if you-'” he starts.

Shaking my head, I mumble, “No... 's okay, Jazz.”

We both change into our pajamas with our backs turned to each other, then climb into bed, lying ramrod-straight and staring at the ceiling. As one, we turn on our sides, facing away from each other.

Closing my eyes, I try to sleep, but can't.

Turning carefully toward him, I find him already on his back, watching me. At the same time I say, “Jazz?” he opens his arms.


Odd

I can feel every bone, every muscle as his chest rises and falls with his breathing. His arms are stiff, as if he’s unsure what to do, exactly.

I sigh, and my fingers caress his ribs. I don’t know why.

He relaxes, his arms settling naturally around me as I shift closer. When I close my eyes this time, the fog from earlier descends again, exhaustion strengthening the alcohol and marijuana still in my system. The scent of Jasper calms me, and I begin to drift off.

“God, please, don’t let him hate me,” is the last whisper I hear.


Early

Much sooner than I'd like, I wake up to light streaming through the curtains. Confused, I lie completely still, trying to get my bearings and figure out exactly why I'm lying in Jasper's arms and why Jasper's face is practically nuzzled in my hair. Every breath he takes tickles my scalp.

Memories of the night before come rushing back, and I gasp, immediately gagging when the sickly-sweet, soured smell of my puke invades my senses.

Coughing, I jolt upright. Jasper wakes in near panic, wondering what's wrong. I can see in his face the second everything registers with him, too.


Clean

Jasper stares for a second before turning completely white. He swings his legs off the side of the bed and sits with his head in his hands while I watch helplessly.

I have no idea what the fuck to do.

Grimacing at the god-awful taste in my mouth, I let my eyes scan the room, looking for some sort of clue. I find nothing.

Well, nothing except the disgusting mess on the floor and my discarded shirt, stiff with come. The sight of it makes me sick again.

Standing unsteadily, I head straight to the bathroom, ignoring my throbbing head.


Clean

Turning on the shower, I shed my clothes. I lean against the counter, my palms flat on the surface as I stare into the mirror, trying to see if I've changed.

I certainly feel different. Sort of.

Scrubbing my face vigorously, I huff and step under the hot spray, trying to wash away... everything.

The memories won't go, though, and my body reacts willingly when I think back on how Jasper looked and felt last night. How he tasted. Smelled.

Before I'm even aware of it, my shaft's in my hand. I'm already close to bursting again.

“Jasper,” I moan.


Shock

Afterward, I clean myself mechanically. Between the headache and my own confusion, I just feel lost.

I exhale heavily and shut off the shower, running my fingers through my hair to get rid of the excess water. When I start to step out, I curse and yank the curtain back in place.

“Sorry!” Jasper says, panicked.

“It’s okay,” I say quickly, unsure if it is at all.

Did he hear me?!

“I just wanted to make sure you were okay… and, umm… see if you need anything.”

I force myself to open the curtain slightly, peering out. “Thanks. I’m okay.”


Delicate

My face is burning with mortification, especially when I hear Jasper's voice answer an octave higher than normal, “Okay, I'll... I'll just... go.”

I wait until I hear the door click shut behind him and then sag against the tiles.
Crap! Now what am I gonna do?

Closing my eyes, I try to force my panic down. I can't think about it right now. I just can't.

Stepping out of the shower, I notice my clothes – clean ones from my bag – lying in a neat pile on the counter, next to a fluffy towel.
Huh. He's never done that before...


Hesitant

I force myself to get dressed, but when I reach for the doorknob, my hand hovers over it, trembling faintly. I don’t know what I’ll find when I go into Jasper’s room – and, to be honest, I don’t know what I want to see there.

Telling myself to grow the fuck up, I pull open the door and step out, only to stop in my tracks.

Jasper’s on his hands and knees with a spray bottle and a cloth, trying to clean up my mess from the night before.

“Fuck, sorry. Here, let me…” I say, kneeling down beside him.


Collide

I reach for the rag just as Jasper bends forward again and says, “I've got it.”

Our heads bang together. We both jerk back, holdings our heads and cursing. I feel queasy, and my head is pounding like crazy now.

“Fuck… sorry, man,” I groan, trying to keep from adding to the mess by emptying my guts again.

Jasper's taking some deep breaths of his own, so presumably he's feeling the same.

Slowly, I look up at him. His eyes are still closed, so I let myself see him, examining him the way I studied myself in the mirror earlier.


Change

There’s a tightness around his eyes that I’ve never seen before, but his blond hair is still just as messy. He’s wearing his favorite Led Zeppelin t-shirt and the jeans with the hole across his thigh. His left wrist is covered in those black rubber bracelets he loves, and suddenly it hits me.

“You’re still Jasper!” I blurt out.

He opens his eyes, glaring at me. “Who the fuck else would I be?”

Yanking the rag away from me, he starts scrubbing again, hiding his face. I reach out and catch his wrist. “Damn it, Jasper. Fucking talk to me.”


Resigned

He closes his eyes again, straightening up with a deep sigh. Slowly, he turns to look at me, his face a carefully blank mask. “What the fuck do you want me to say, Ed? What the fuck is there to say? 'It was a mistake'? 'It'll never happen again’? 'Let's forget it ever happened’?”

I swallow hard as he continues.

“’Nothing has to change – we can still be friends’? We both know everything's changed, Ed.”

With that, he turns away with a pained expression, his jaw working furiously. I think I hear him whisper, “Damn sure fucking hates me now...”


Rush

Something in his voice brings back memories of the night before – the thrill, the confusion, but most of all the pleading just before I fell asleep.

“I don’t hate you, Jasper,” I say firmly.

He looks at me reluctantly, his eyes disbelieving.

“I mean it. I don’t understand what happened last night, not yet, but I felt it, too.” He opens his mouth to say something, but I plow ahead, determined to get it out now that I’ve started. “I don’t know if I’m gay or if I’m in love with you or… fuck, anything. But I don’t hate you.”


Response

“Really?”

His voice is so small, his face so uncertain, that I can't help cupping his jaw, brushing my thumb gently over his cheek. He inhales sharply but doesn’t move.

“Yes, really, Jasper. For Christ's sake, you've been my best friend for how long now? I could never just up and hate you, Jazz. I care too much about you.”

Even as the words leave my mouth, I know them to be true. I don't know quite how far my feelings go yet, or how to label what we are, but I know I always want him in my life.


Think

“So what happens now?”

It’s the question I’ve been dreading. I don’t know where to begin thinking about it. I move my hand to the back of my neck as I sigh heavily. “I don’t know,” I admit. “It’s… hell, there’s a lot for me to figure out. You know?”

He nods slowly, licking his lips as he moves to sit on his bed.

“How did you know you were gay?” I can’t help asking.

He flushes and glances away. “Ahh… when, umm…” He huffs and then blurts out, “When I realized I always thought about guys when I jack-off.”


Different

I frown at the floor.
That doesn't help... that's not me...

Sighing, I run my fingers through my hair, trying to push aside my musings for now.

Jasper starts scrubbing away at the dried-up puke again, refusing my help, so I scoot out of the way and watch him. The way his muscles ripple as he works. How his brow crinkles in concentration. I catalogue it all for later inspection.

After a couple of minutes, he sits up, wiping sweat off his forehead. He huffs, his eyes darting around before settling on mine. “So... you still want to hang out?”


Home

“Yeah,” I tell him with a smile he returns. “I just… I think I should head home for a little while, see what I can figure out. You know?”

He nods slowly, his forehead wrinkling again.

I stand up, and he does the same. We hesitate, shuffling our feet awkwardly, and then I reach out, hugging him close. I don’t know why, exactly, except that he’s hurting, and I hate that.

“Jazz, look… I promise I’ll talk to you, okay?” I whisper.

He nods.

I know it’s a bullshit answer, but I just don’t have a better one right now.


Heavy

No one's home when I get there, and I’m extremely grateful, all things considered. I don't think I could handle my mother's questions right now – and there'd definitely be questions if she saw me. I know she'd be able to read my face and tell something's up.

Hell, I have plenty of questions myself, and I don't have a clue on where to look for answers. It's not like I can ask anyone to help me.

Sitting down heavily behind my desk, I scrub my face with my hands and go over everything that's happened in the past twenty-four hours.


Niggle

Leaning back in my chair, I toss a baseball back and forth from hand to hand. My eyes watch the movement, but I don’t really see it.

Instead, I’m seeing Jasper – the way he looked last night in the middle of our… whatever that was. The way he looked this morning, so pissed off.

The way he looked when he told me about jacking off to guys.

Well, I definitely don’t do that.

I sigh – and then freeze.

Except… this morning…

Biting the inside of my cheek, I think of my shower, of calling Jasper’s name when I came.

“Fuck…”


Idea

I glance at my computer, wondering. 

"Ah, fuck it," I mutter, hitting the power button. 

While I wait for it to boot up, I make sure my door's locked before stripping down to my boxers. Grabbing a box of tissues and lube, I sit down again and start searching for what I need. 
Only one way to find out, right?

After sifting through the slew of sites that pop up on my search engine, I click on one that looks promising. 

Not sure what exactly I'm looking for to test myself, I randomly hit play and turn the sound down. 


Confirm

My initial reaction is anything but turned on. The video starts with one guy licking the other one's ass.

I just stare.

In horror.

But then they switch to the... err... receiver's face. His lips are open as he moans, but his eyes are closed. His forehead's wrinkled, and he looks like nothing has ever felt that good in his life.

That's not the part that gets me, though. He opens his eyes, and they're the exact same blue as Jasper's.

I feel my cock stirring in interest and look down in surprise.

When I look up, the scene's changed.

Sixty-nine

I gulp at the sight of the two guys giving each other head, my own dick growing hard in response.

When the camera zooms in on one of them taking the other's cock all the way down until his nose meets the guy's pubes, I moan, drowning out the sounds they're making.

My hand wraps around my length without my consent, stroking languidly as I watch the scene unfold.

Blue-eyes deep-throats the other guy again, pressing a finger in the guy's hole, causing him to buck and moan around Blue-eyes' cock.

“Oh jesus, fuck...” I whimper, transfixed at the sight.  


Undeniable

I spread lube along my cock without ever taking my eyes from the screen. My heart races, and I realize I don’t want to miss a second of what they’re doing.

The other guy pulls away suddenly, and Blue-eyes cries out as he spurts come all over the guy’s face, stubble and all. My hand speeds, my eyes fluttering, but they pop right back open again when  the other guy positions his condom-sheathed cock right at Blue-eyes’ ass.

He presses in with a deep moan from Blue-eyes, and it only takes a few thrusts before I come into the tissue.


Stunned
Cleaning myself up mechanically, I try to catch my breath – and figure out what the hell this means.
I just got off watching two guys...
Oh, god...
All of a sudden, the sounds from the screen are too much, and I hit mute even as I click off the window.
What the fuck does this mean?
Not bothering with anything else, I head straight for my favorite porn site, desperately needing to know for sure. Hitting play on the first video I find, I sit back to watch.
I almost moan in relief when I see the girl's bare pussy.


Palm

I run my palm along my cock even though I’m definitely not up for anything else. It’s good to feel that familiar stirring, to know that I absolutely still want tits and pussy – because this girl’s body is doing all kinds of things for me.

Of course…

I swallow hard when I look at the guy she’s with. He’s lightly muscled with perfect lips and a handsome face.

And a gorgeous cock.

“Oh, god…” I whisper, suddenly sure.

I close the browser and shove my chair back, burying my face in my hands.

What the hell do I do now?


Swing
Suddenly, my room feels stifling, suffocating me with implications of what I've just realized. I hit the power button on my computer, not even caring to shut it down properly. Scrambling for my clothes, I hastily get dressed before running downstairs and onto the back deck.
Only once the fresh air hits my face do I stop, close my eyes, and breathe. Deep, steadying breaths to try to calm down. My heart's racing, and not from the running.
Opening my eyes, I glance around for answers. Spotting the porch swing, I sit down heavily and stare out into the backyard.


Image

I don’t see trees and flowers and the grass I’ll have to cut next weekend. No matter what’s right in front of my eyes, all I see is Jasper.

The way he looked last night, excited, uninhibited, and full of lust.

The way he looked this morning, red-faced, pissed off, and betrayed.

The way he looked when I left, scared and… hopeful.

I don’t know how long I sit there, and I don’t know what I’m thinking about.

Suddenly, footsteps land on the stairs, and I jump. Glancing over, I find Jasper standing there with his hands in his pockets.


Shuffle
“Hi,” he mumbles, looking down at his boots, shuffling his feet awkwardly.
“Hey.” I cringe at how flat I sound.
Jasper clears his throat, still refusing to look at me. “I-I'm sorry... I just...” he stammers.
Closing his eyes briefly, he huffs, glances up at me through his lashes, and says quickly, “I was worried when you didn't answer your phone and... Ed, man... are you alright?”
I blink. I hadn't even heard the phone. Then his question sinks in, and I snort, looking away – mostly out of embarrassment. “Yeah, fine... I guess I'm a tits-ass-and-cock guy. How 'bout that?”


Confused

He frowns at me before he runs his fingers through his hair. “I… don’t know what that means?”

I snort, rolling my eyes and scrubbing my face with my hands. “Yeah, me either.”

When I lower my hands again, Jasper’s standing in front of me. “Can I sit?”

I nod, sliding to one end while he sits on the other. We swing in silence until he finally says, “I really don’t understand…”

His voice is quiet and nearly broken, and I sigh. “I’m… hell, I don’t know what I am. But I… oh, fuck it. I like… umm… guys, too.”


Hidden
Jasper looks at his hands before glancing at me briefly. “Too, as in... you're gay?”
He tries hard to hide his feelings, but I can still sense both the excitement and the hope in his tone.
I snort lightly. “Err... no.” His shoulders slump a little, causing me to add, “And... yes... I guess? I don't know.”
He looks at me then, frowning. I explain to him in painful detail what I did earlier, ignoring the heat flaming in my cheeks, though I'm unable to meet his gaze as I speak. Silence hangs heavy in the air when I'm done.


Unsure

“Wow,” he says finally.

I bark a laugh. “Yeah.”

“Sorry,” he says, glancing at me. “That’s just… fuck, Ed. I don’t know what to say.”

I don’t answer. What is there to say?

The swing moves as he shifts, and I look up to find him facing me. He takes a deep breath, puffing his cheeks as he lets it out. “Fuck, this is hard to say,” he mutters under his breath before raising his voice. “Edward, I… I know what you’re going through is… insane. Just… I want you to know I’m here for you. However you want me.”


Choice
I search his eyes, sifting through his words to hear what he isn't saying.
Have him as my friend... or as my lover?
Allowing myself time to think before opening my big mouth, I rest my head against the swing.
Part of me's intrigued by the idea of being with Jasper. The fact that my dick's hardening at the mere thought attests to that.
But can I be with him, be with him?
What happens if I say no? Will I lose him?

The thought of that is like a stab to my chest.
I don’t want to hurt him…


Evaluate

At that thought, I straighten up and frown. I can practically see him biting his tongue to give me time.

“Okay, so…” I can’t seem to stop my knee from bouncing. “I don’t know what I want. I wish I knew… believe me, I do. But...”

Jasper just watches me with no expression, making it even harder.

I finally blurt out, “I-I’m attracted to you. I was definitely into last night – all of it. But I’m attracted to women, too. I don’t know what that means for me yet… if I can be with you – or anyone – forever or… what…”


Understanding
The look of pain in his eyes stops me, though it's gone as quick as it came.
“I'm sorry,” I whisper, rubbing the back of my neck. “Jazz, the last thing in the world I want to do is hurt you. I-”
Jasper takes my hand in his, hesitantly at first, but when I don't protest, he grabs it tightly. “Don't, Ed. I get it. I do. I'm not asking for anything from you. No promises for forever or anything.”
There's something in his eyes as he says that, but he schools himself too quickly for me to grasp it.


Help

I close my eyes, at a loss as I try to make sense of this. Nothing Jasper’s said is helpful – it seems like he’s saying that whatever I decide is fine, but I know it can’t be.

I also know our friendship is going to change dramatically, no matter what I choose.

I exhale heavily and open my eyes. Jasper’s watching me with concern, and his hand feels so warm in mine.

“What if… what if I say I want to try, but then it doesn’t work?”

“I don’t know, Ed. That’s… well, that’s why I didn’t say anything sooner.”


Decision
I nod, combing my fingers through my hair as I search his eyes for answers. The more I think about it, though, the clearer it becomes.
Either we try and see what happens...
Or do nothing, and ruin our friendship, because I'm pretty sure neither of us can handle the embarrassment otherwise. After last night, there's no way to take anything back. No way to deny what happened.
And I don't want to.
Before I've really made up my mind to do so, I lean in, brushing my lips against his. “I think I'd like to try, Jazz,” I whisper.


Tentative

He kisses me lightly, his hand slipping to my thigh. We pull away before long, and he gives me a shy smile. “Really?”

I can’t help but smile. He looks so innocent and cautiously excited. “Yeah, really.”

His eyes are torn between desire and hesitance as he looks around the backyard before meeting my gaze again. “I… ahh… fuck, Ed, I don’t know where to go from here. I mean, I’m not out and…”

My lips curve into a smile again. “Neither am I,” I remind him. “I don’t think I’m ready, either. Let’s just… do what works for us?”


Agree
He nods, still smiling shyly.
“Hey, what time is it?”
Jasper looks at his watch. “Umm, quarter ‘til four?”
Biting my lip, I ponder. There’re more questions than answers – both for him, and for me – but I don't think we'll find the answers today. Or any time soon, really. All this shit will have to work itself out over time, I guess.
I’m ready to start figuring it out, though, so I ask, “Hey... my parents won't be back ‘til six. Stay? Dinner, too?”
He nods, smiling.
I don't know what'll happen next, but I'm looking forward to finding out.