A Light in the Darkness

A/N: Happy Birthday,Sessahhh! We hope you have a fantastic day.

As ever, we do not own Twilight - it owns us.

ooOoo

Miss

I’m grateful for all the people who have shown up for her vigil, but being surrounded by candles and people I barely know makes me miss her that much more. She was the only person who ever got me.

And now she’s gone.

I can’t let myself focus on it too long, but there’s nothing to distract me. People come up to me in an endless stream, offering condolences to me and condemnation for Royce King.

I wish they knew that every word is a knife to my heart, no matter their intention.

I’ll never see her again.

I shiver.


Found

Suddenly, warm arms envelop me in a hug. Automatically, my arms go around his waist, and I burrow my face into his neck.

Edward rubs my back, whispering soothingly, “I got you, J. I'm here. Let it out, sweetheart.”

The tears won't be held back anymore, and I let them out freely, secure in the knowledge that my best friend’s with me, taking care of me.

I've not allowed anyone else to give me this comfort. Only him.

Right now, I need him so much, it scares me a little. Still, it feels good to be held by him. Safe.


Quiet

I don’t wonder where he’s taking me. I just follow, my head down as he slips his arm around my waist. He’s always been affectionate, but since Rosalie’s death, he’s never with me unless he’s touching me somehow.

I crave it.

Resting my head on his shoulder, I put my arm around his waist. I focus on putting one foot in front of the other, concentrating so hard that I’m surprised when Edward steps away.

He opens the passenger door of his car, and then he’s back, helping me inside. I feel strangely like an invalid, but I don’t care.


Drive

The second I'm buckled up, I close my eyes, not caring where we're going. The drive is spent in complete silence. No radio, no talking. Nothing.

I try not to think, try to keep my mind blank now that I'm away from all those people. Away from the words that are meant to soothe but only end up hurting me more.

When we pull to a stop, Edward kills the engine and puts his hand on my knee, whispering, “We're here, Jazz. C'mon, let's get you inside?”

Following him, I only realize we're at his place once I step inside.  


Bed

Just inside his bedroom door, he hesitates. “Sorry. I…” He runs his fingers through his hair, sighing.

It’s enough to make me look at him curiously – the most emotion other than loss I’ve felt in days.

His shoulders relax as he reaches out and squeezes my hand. “You’ve been through so much. I thought maybe you wouldn’t want to sleep alone.”

Something in his tone – and in the offer – brings tears to my eyes. My face crumples as I try to fight them, but then a sob breaks from my chest.

“Oh, Jazz,” Edward whispers, wrapping me in his arms.


Comfort

We stand there for a while as he tries to comfort me, to calm me down.

When the tears finally stop, I wipe my face, huffing. I'm sick of crying, but I can't seem to stop. The pain of losing my sister – my twin – is just too raw. I don't know how to cope without her.

If she'd been sick or something, that would've been one thing, but I never even got to say goodbye to her thanks to Royce.

Anger flares briefly again, but fades just as quickly. I just don't have the energy to keep it up anymore.  


Pull

“Are you tired?” Edward asks.

I take a shuddering breath and nod, although I can’t imagine sleeping right now. It’s not that I’m not tired. It’s that every time I close my eyes, I see her. Sleep has been impossible for days.

I stand there, numb, as I watch him wander around the room, opening drawers and pulling out sleeping pants and t-shirts. I wish I could tell him how much this means to me – his acceptance and support. Rosalie was the only one in my family who stood by me when I came out, and now I’ve lost that.


Change

He hands me clothes. I automatically take them from him, and then I just stand there, staring stupidly at them. I know what I'm supposed to be doing, but I can't seem to make myself move.

Gently, Edward tugs me to the bathroom where he starts undressing me with more care than I'd ever imagined. All I can do is watch as he takes off my clothes and carefully folds them and puts them on the counter. Then he guides me into the pants before pulling the T-shirt over my head.

He sighs quietly, running his fingers through my hair.


Guide

He leads me to his bed, never letting go of my hand. There, he pulls back the covers and helps me lie down.

Then he hesitates.

“J… if you want me to sleep on the couch, I’ll-”

“No!” I cut him off, somehow panicked at the thought. I can’t explain why, but I want to sleep beside him. I want to be safe in his arms and know that I’m not alone.

More than that, I want it to be Edward who’s with me.

I’m confused by that realization, but only mildly so. On some level, it just makes sense.


Warm

Edward crawls under the covers, too, switching his light off before opening his arms to me. I willingly fall into his welcoming arms, resting my head on his chest as he holds me close.

His fingers trail soothing circles over my back, and I swear I can feel his lips press into my hair.

Neither of us says a word.

Closing my eyes, I allow myself to be here, to let my emotions run the gamut, secure in knowing Ed'll be there.

For the first time since receiving the news about my sister, I fall asleep easily, uninterrupted by nightmares.


Midnight

I wake in the middle of the night, shivering although it’s anything but cold. I try at first to breathe deeply, to calm myself down, but it’s no use. I just…

I need.

Edward is snoring lightly beside me, and I reach out, my hand flat on his chest. I’m filled with an overwhelming urge to hold him, to be held by him.

To kiss him.

I can’t find my voice to wake him, so I move closer and lift up onto one elbow, pressing my lips against his cheek. He stirs and murmurs, his hips shifting on the bed.


Surprise

Shifting closer to him, I can't seem to help myself as I nuzzle and kiss his neck, whispering, "Please," over and over.

I'm not entirely sure what I'm asking.

By the time my hand starts to roam over his chest, Edward wakes, lifting his head groggily. "Jazz? What-?"

Closing my eyes, I croak, "Ed, please. Need to feel something... Don't want to just hurt anymore. Please..."

Cupping my cheek, he frowns. "Jasper..."

I turn my head and kiss his palm, murmuring, “Please, Ed...”

I can’t explain myself. I don’t understand what’s going on, either. I just know I need... something.


Check

“Jasper, honey, you’re upset…” Edward begins, his voice soft and soothing.

It makes me want to scream.

“I know I’m upset,” I explode. My voice sounds loud in the dark silence of the room, and I take a deep breath to control myself. “I don’t want to be anymore,” I whisper, my lips ghosting along his jaw. “Help me forget… please…”

I hear his sharp intake of breath before he turns on his side. His hand rests on my hip as he whispers, “Jazz, are you sure?”

I sense him caving, and I don’t even think. I just kiss him.


Build

He's hesitant, but before long, he's kissing me back. I moan, closing my eyes as I tilt my head to deepen the kiss and allow his tongue access to my mouth.

My hands roam, through his hair all the way down to his ass and back, over and over, pulling him closer as I go.

Edward's placid at first, keeping one hand on my lower back, the other gently against the nape of my neck.

Gripping his hip, I roll mine into his and shiver as our cocks meet, despite the fabric between them.

I want – need – more.

He whimpers.


Roll

He’s still holding back – I can feel him right on the edge, but he won’t let go. I roll onto my back, pulling him with me.

When he settles on top of me with his knees on either side of my hips, I can suddenly feel all of him. I give a low moan as Edward murmurs, “Oh my god, Jasper…”

My name is a caress on his lips, which roam my skin enthusiastically. His hips rock against mine, sending delicious shivers of pleasure through my body. His hands grasp my chest through my shirt as his lips claim mine.


Strip

I tug at the hem of his shirt, needing it off – to feel his skin against mine. He complies, lifting up to shed his shirt, tossing it away. I take the opportunity to do the same with mine before pulling him roughly back.

As soon as his chest touches mine, I sigh in something close to relief. He feels warm, soft and hard at the same time. Right.

Here.

His lips find mine again, insistent this time. Deeper. Harder.

Still, I need more.

Bucking my hips again, I whisper hoarsely, “Please, Ed?”

His eyes search mine in the dim light.


Naked

Our pants tangle in the sheets as we shrug out of them. I watch as Edward shifts to his knees, running his fingers through his hair. He’s unbelievably beautiful, but it’s the heat in his eyes that takes my breath away.

“Are you sure, Jasper?” he whispers, his hands skimming my thighs. “This could change everything…” He trails off, leaving me unsure of what he wants.

I know what I want, though.

“I need you, Edward. Please…”

My voice sounds weak to my own ears, and Edward’s expression softens. Something flits across his eyes before his warm body covers mine.


Whisper

He kisses me, his fingers caressing every bit of skin he can find before pulling away again.

He leans over, rummaging through his nightstand drawer. Straightening up, he swallows hard and, with a nod from me, starts to prepare us both.

The sting of his fingers stretching me is exactly what I crave. It helps me feel again.

I reach for him, needing to hold him, be as close as I can.

He's pressed against my entrance as he whispers softly, “I love you, Jasper,” and pushes into me.

Something in his voice, the reverence of his action, fills me.


Shift

Our bodies move as one, my hips lifting smoothly to meet his thrusts. His lips never leave me, trailing kisses along my chest and neck, only to meet my lips before journeying again.  Neither of us speaks, but I give him all of me – and I can feel him do the same.

For the first time since Rosalie’s death, she is not at the forefront of my mind.

Instead, I am filled with wonder and confusion, struggling desperately to understand. I know what I feel – love, devotion, attraction, passion. What I don’t know is why I never recognized it before.


Communion

It dawns on me that Edward feels those things, too, and I wonder if he knows. And if he does, how long he's known it for.

We've never been with each other before, but I know Edward. I know that he's an affectionate guy, but what he's showing me goes way beyond that.

As he brings me closer to release, I realize that he's – that we're making love. That thought alone is enough to pull my orgasm from me, and as my seed spills, so do my tears.

Only this time, I'm not sure why I'm crying – but it's freeing.  


Release

Edward watches me with a mixture of panic and desperation. “I’m fine,” I whisper, my voice choked.

Trying to convey what I really feel, I pull his face to mine, kissing him passionately. He moans, his hips speeding, and I can sense that he’s walking that border, so close to pure pleasure.

“Come for me, beautiful,” I whisper, my voice gruff from tears and exertion. “Please… let me give you that. Let me see you…”

His searing kiss cuts off my stream of words as his rhythm falters. He drives into me, his hips bucking wildly before he cries, “Jasper!”


Truth

Edward's arms tremble as he tries to stay upright. Wrapping my arms around him, I pull him closer, heedless of the mess as I kiss his temple.

My tears flow freely, and I can feel several puzzle pieces slide home while I hold him. I close my eyes, hearing Edward's earlier words echo in my mind.

“This could change everything…”

I realize that he was right. Everything has changed. Edward's been my best friend for well over a decade. My strength, my salvation. My partner in so many ways.

Is it possible for us to end up so much more?


Care

Exhaustion sets in again, leaving me weak. I want so badly to talk to Edward, to tell him what I’m feeling, but something holds me back – I don’t know if it’s fear of rejection or just absolute fatigue.

Whatever it is, I stay silent as Edward slips out of bed. He returns with a warm cloth and gently cleans my face before turning to the rest of my body. Watching him consumes me, and I notice things I never have before – like the freckle by his ear and the scar beneath his jaw.

And the reverent way he loves me.


Sleep

I'm out the minute he kisses my forehead and goes back to the bathroom, not waking again until hours later. It takes me awhile to figure out where I am, but once I find Edward's alarm clock, my eyes fly wide.

11:42 AM?

Edward isn't here, so I get up, pulling my pajama pants on with a blush as I recall the night before. Walking around his place – so familiar – is strange, somehow. I finally find him in the kitchen, quietly working at the stove.

Taking a deep breath, I catch the aroma of Edward's special blend coffee and smile.


Morning

Standing there for a minute, I watch the play of his muscles under his shirt as he stirs something in a pan before flipping a pancake. He’s so confident and comfortable, and I feel an overwhelming sense of love and… rightness as I watch him.

How did it take me so long?

I have no answer for that. All I know is that I feel like I belong with him – and I want to tell him.

I take a steadying breath and walk across the tiled floor, straight to him. Wrapping my arms around his waist, I kiss his cheek.


Breakfast

He takes a sharp breath but almost immediately relaxes into me, closing his eyes briefly.

"Morning, sleepyhead," he teases gently, patting my arm before turning his attention back to his cooking.

He flips the pancakes onto a plate, pouring more batter on the griddle. He half-turns to me then, cupping my cheek as he searches my eyes. "I'm glad you finally got some sleep, J. How are you holding up?"

At that, I close my eyes and sigh. Opening them, I give him a half-smile. "A little better now, thanks to you."

Edward runs his fingers through my hair, smiling.


Sit

We dish up our own food and carry our plates to the table. As I sit, Edward goes back to the refrigerator and returns with two glasses of orange juice.

“Thanks,” I murmur, taking a sip.

As caring as he’s being, I feel like something’s… not fake, exactly, but there’s an elephant in the room. It doesn’t take a genius to find it.

Putting down my glass, I take a deep breath. “Ed? Can I ask you something?”

“Of course, J,” he answers as he breaks off a piece of bacon.

“How long have you been in love with me?”


Pause

Edward freezes mid-bite, staring at me with wide, mildly panicky eyes. Swallowing his bacon, he takes a quick drink of his orange juice and clears his throat.

"I, err... a few years," he says quietly, blushing to the roots of his hair. He looks down at his plate as he adds, "Since before Jacob."

A few years?

"Why? Why didn't you ever say anything?" I whisper, frowning.

He sighs, running his fingers through his hair as he meets my gaze. He leans forward, resting his elbows on the table. He looks... resigned, somehow.

"Because you were happy," he says simply.


Amend

What do I say to that?

Before I manage to form a response, he clears his throat. “And I was chickenshit.” When my eyes meet his, he sighs. “I was afraid to lose you, Jasper. The thought of not having you in my life at all was so much worse than being jealous and feeling lonely and…”

He trails off with a shrug. I put my hand on his knee, squeezing lightly. “I didn’t know,” I say honestly. Shifting out of my seat, I kiss the corner of his mouth. “But you were right…” I whisper, “last night changed everything.”


Hope

He smiles softly as he reaches his hand across the table, palm up in invitation. Laying my hand in his, I squeeze lightly, my eyes locked with his.

“I'm sorry if I made you uncomfortable last night, Ed. For pushing so hard for you to... you know.” I blush.

Ed frowns, opening his mouth to speak, but I talk over him quickly, “I'm not saying I’m sorry it happened – because I'm not. I don't know why I never saw, Edward, but I do now.”

His eyes flicker between mine, and I see a new light shining in his green irises.


Cryptic

“Don’t apologize, Jasper,” he says firmly. “I… well, I can’t say it’s how I thought it might happen, but I’m damn glad it did. You have no idea.”

“I think I have some idea,” I tease. For the first time in what seems like ages, I feel alive again – more, I feel like I have something to live for.

“Maybe so,” he says before I can speak. “Jasper, just… whatever happens, however you feel later, just know I won’t regret it. Ever. I know you needed comfort last night, and I’m thankful I was able to share that with you.”


Argue

I stare at him for several seconds, letting his words run through my mind, analyzing them. When his meaning hits me, I jerk my hand back to my chest as I scowl at him.

“Don't. Don't you dare, Edward.”

He opens his mouth in protest, but I cut him off, shaking my head. “No. Don't sell me – sell us – short like that and tell me that I don't know what I'm feeling. That I'm going to change my mind.”

He has the decency to blush as he closes his eyes and looks away.

“Last night meant something to me, Ed.”


Everything

“You mean something to me. Damn it, you mean everything to me. Don’t you know that?”

He swallows before opening his eyes. “I know you mean everything to me,” he says brokenly, “and I know you love me. But, Jasper… you just lost your sister. You’re hurting and vulnerable right now, and I don’t want you to make any decisions you might regret later.”

Pain flares in my chest at the mention of Rosalie, echoed by the hurt I feel at the rest of his words. Breathing deeply, I say, “Listen to me very carefully. I’m. In. Love. With. You.”


Fear

Something flickers in his eyes and he looks away again, clearly unconvinced. Or afraid to be.

Sighing, I scrub my face. “Ed... I get that you're worried about me not thinking clearly and shit. I do. But you have to understand something. As much as some things have gone completely crazy and I don't know what'll happen next without Rose-” I falter, breathing quickly. “Without Rosalie... losing her has put other things in sharp focus.”

Reaching for his hand again, I whisper, “Ed... last night. You got all of me. Far as I'm concerned, we made love, plain and simple.”


Waver

He watches me silently. I know him so well that I can follow the battle that takes place behind his eyes – hope and want warring with his fear and sense of self-preservation.

I try to wait patiently, but I just can’t. I stand up, moving beside him, where I kneel. “Sweetheart, you’ve been my partner for so long now. You’re the one I always run to, the one I want to talk to about everything. I was an idiot for not seeing it before, but you’re all I want. Please… please, take a chance on me.”

“Jasper…” he whispers softly.


Kiss

He shifts in his seat to face me, cradles my face in both hands, and leans down to kiss me with such tenderness that I almost melt.

My eyes close, my hands rest on his thighs, and I tilt my head, sighing into the kiss.

We sit like that for god knows how long before he pulls away with a small, content smile.

“Jasper,” he whispers again, brushing his thumbs across my cheekbones.

“Edward,” I start, but he puts a finger on my lips.

“There's nothing in the world I want more than to be with you. I'm yours, sweetheart.”


Reassure

This time, I’m the one to watch him warily, scanning his face for any sign that he’s unsure. He stands, pulling me up so our chests are pressed together as he holds me close.

“I believe you,” he whispers. “I promise you that I’m in this completely. You’ve been my world for years.”

I bury my face in his neck, whispering my own devotion in return. Inhaling deeply, I close my eyes, adjusting to this one beautiful change that was born from a terrible tragedy. I know that I will never forget Rosalie – just as I’ll never be without Edward.