Mending the Breaks

A/N: Happy Birthday,ElleCC! We hope you have a wonderful day.

As ever, we do not own Twilight - it owns us.

ooOoo

Observe

“She's out there again, isn't she?” Rose asks as she walks downstairs.

I nod, not bothering to look up from my spot by the bay window. Sighing, I pull my good leg up, wrapping my arms around it and resting my chin on top of my knee as I stare at Bella.

Rose appears behind me, squeezing my shoulder. “Why don't you go talk to her, Jazz? Explain-”

I shake my head sharply. “No, I-I can't, Rose. I thought you’d understand...”

“Jasper-”

“No, Rose. And that's final,” I say harshly as I get up and limp back to my room.


Morose

Closing the door behind me, I lean against it, shutting my eyes and wishing things were just that simple. That I could just walk over to the dock, talk to Bella, and have everything be okay again.

“Right,” I scoff, “like that's ever gonna happen. Like she'd ever forgive me for...”

Shaking my head, I force myself to walk to my window. The angle isn't as good, but I can still make out Bella from my new vantage point.

The front door opens and closes. For a second, I worry Rose'll talk to Bella, despite my wishes to the contrary.


Ambivalent

I sigh in relief when Rose's car pulls out of the driveway – relief… and disappointment. Part of me wishes Rose would seek her out.

Maybe, just maybe...

When I'm sure Rose is gone, I go downstairs again, this time venturing out onto the veranda, though I hide behind the plants. I can see everything, but from a distance, no one will be able to see me.

For the longest time, I watch Bella sitting with her feet dangling over the dock, writing in her journal like she always does.

“It's where I do my best thinking,” she told me once.


Regret

The sun sets before Bella slowly gets to her feet. She stares at the house – at me, it seems – for several minutes. I can see, even from here, the heavy sigh leave her, feel her sadness.

It's my fault, entirely, and I know it.

I'm the one who left without goodbye.

I'm the one who refuses to talk now.

I'm the one with nothing left to give but a broken body.

I shake my head, scowling. She deserves better than me. It's selfish of me to want her back again, selfish to want to go to her to console her.


Deny

Not for the first, and certainly not the last time, I ask myself why the hell I ever thought it a good idea to join the Army the day after graduation.

The day after Bella and I'd slept together for the first – and last – time.

I was such a fool.

I wipe angrily at the sudden tears, scolding myself. I have no right to tears. No right to hurt. Being broken is the price I'll pay until the day I die for hurting her.

Ignoring the fact that she'll see me, I get up and limp inside, locking the door.


Reach

Before I've made it halfway up the stairs, someone knocks on the door. I know it's Bella, even before she calls out, “Jazz, please... I know you're there. Talk to me? Please?”

I freeze mid-step, my hand clenching at the railing, my eyes squeezed shut.

If I ignore her, she'll go away.

The door creaks slightly as Bella leans against it. Hearing her breath hitch, I know she's crying.

I can't, Bella. I'm sorry...

I can't move. Not to answer the door or to walk away. I'm completely, hopelessly stuck as I listen to the sound of my soul crumbling.


Alone

After what feels like forever, I finally hear Bella leave. Blinking, I look around, startled to see that it's dark outside and the streetlamps are lit. I half-turn, intent on making sure Bella gets home safely before I stop myself.

“You can't go chasing after the girl, Hale. You don't have any right to her anymore,” I scold myself.

Reluctantly, I resume my earlier path back to my room, locking myself inside. Minutes later, I hear Rose's car pull up, but I don't bother to acknowledge her “Jazz? I'm home,” as she walks through the door.

“Jasper? Are you here?”


Truth

Rose checks on me twice more, but when she gets no response, she gives up with a heavy sigh, but not before giving me a piece of her mind.

“Jasper Hale, you've got to stop. Yes, you were an idiot. Yes, you hurt the girl by leaving the way you did, but you're hurting her more by cutting her out like this. She knows why you left. She knows what happened to you. Now stop selling her short and give her the chance to ream you out. She might even surprise you and forgive you for everything in the end.”


Transform

All night, I lie awake, tossing and turning. It's not unusual for me, but tonight feels… different. Rose's words haunt me alongside the waking nightmares from my short time in Afghanistan. Bella's face floats in between it all.

By morning, I'm exhausted, yet unable to sleep. Getting up before the sun rises, I go to the kitchen to make coffee, only to find Rosalie already cooking breakfast.

She turns to hand me a plate, gives me a once-over, then nods knowingly.

“Here, eat,” she says quietly, gets a plate for herself, and sits at the table, not waiting for me.


Trouble

We eat silently. Words aren't needed right now. She knows about what plagues me. I know she worries about me.

All we have left in the world is each other, and I was never more grateful for her than when she took me in after I got to come home for my rehab. We've been living together ever since.

Rose sips her coffee, eying me carefully, while I stare into my mug.

Finally, she says, “You owe her more than this,” gets up, puts the dishes in the dishwasher, and leaves.

Much as I hate to admit it, she's right.


Chance

All morning, I sit in my bay window, staring at the dock. Bella's been there for two hours already, just sitting there, her journal lying untouched beside her. The entire time, I try to convince myself to move, but I’m unable to do it.

It isn't until I see Bella's shoulders slump in defeat that my body seems to move on its own, and I suddenly find myself standing awkwardly behind her.

She knows I'm here, yet she doesn't acknowledge me.

“Bella?” I whisper, my heart beating wildly in my chest. “May I sit down?”

Nothing.

Then finally a nod.


Hesitate

I'm less graceful than I used to be as I settle down beside her, and my leg throbs from the effort.

At first, we sit in silence, the words I know I need to say seemingly stuck in my throat.

Bella tries to surreptitiously wipe away her tears as she waits. Automatically, I reach out to touch her cheek, wanting to comfort her, before abruptly pull my hand back again. I'm the one she needs comforting over.

“Bella, I'm so sorry,” I whisper.

She turns her head away from me, looking up at the sky. “For what?” she asks quietly.


Recoil

My jaw clenches before I manage, “For everything.”

Her breath hitches. I close my eyes, lowering my head in shame. My hands are folded in my lap, and I'm wishing I could just... disappear. It's wrong to do this. Wrong to hope for absolution after everything I've done.

I can feel her turning toward me even though we're not touching. I know she's watching me closely, and I'm disgusted with what I know she sees: a mere echo of the boy of her dreams. A hollow substitute.

Broken, inside and out. Beyond repair.

“You had no right,” she whispers hoarsely.  


Rage

Though I know she's right, her words pierce my heart. I nod.

“I thought-” she starts, swallowing several times before finding her voice again. “I thought you loved me, Jasper. That I meant something to you. We'd made so many plans. For the summer. College. And not once did you say anything about... about...”

With every word she speaks, I curl further into myself, wincing as if each one is a nail being hammered home.

“And then... I have to hear about what happened to you... from Jane? Of all people?”

Her cheeks are flushed when I chance a peek.


Accusation

My mouth opens and closes several times as I let her words sink in.

Jane? So that's how Bella knew?

Jane. Rose's best friend and unfortunately Bella's rival in school – in everything. As I figured out much too late, she even tried to catch my attention, though I never wanted anything to do with Jane. Bella was where my interests lay, and if I'm honest, they still do.

I realize Jane must have taken great pleasure in knowing something Bella didn't and rubbing it in her face.

“Bella, I-”

She cuts off my apology. “No, Jazz. It should've been you.”


Mistake

She angrily runs her fingers through her hair, wiping tears from her cheeks with the backs of her hands. “I just... I don't understand, Jasper. Why? Why did you leave me like that? Why didn't you tell me you wanted to join the Army? I would have understood, baby. I would've stood by your side.”

Closing my eyes, I nod. “I know,” I whisper, and I do, which is precisely why I didn't tell her. I felt she deserved the chance to live her life free from worry. Only now do I understand that it didn’t matter. She worried anyway.


Agree

Sighing heavily, I nod again, explaining – however poorly – my reasoning back then. “I'm sorry, Bells. I thought I was doing the right thing. I didn't tell anyone, not even Rose. I figured people would try to talk me out of it, her especially, and at the time...”

I shrug. Hearing the words now, I feel stupid.

“I was an idiot. Too full of myself, thinking I knew everything and... I guess I haven't changed there, have I?”

Silence.

It hurts almost as much as Bella's words do.

“No, you haven't,” she says finally, her voice flat. “You're still an idiot.”


Question

Snorting, I shake my head. “When you're right, you're right,” I mumble, earning a shove to my shoulder. Almost without my permission, I look up and give her a wry grin.

Bella rolls her eyes, bumping my shoulder with hers. “I usually am.”

I nod.

For a moment, we stare at each other. Then she reaches her hand to my face hesitantly. “Jazz? Why didn't you tell me? Why wouldn't you let me in, after..?”

Her eyes wander down my body, mapping the scars that are visible. My heart races as I cover her hand on my cheek with mine.


Reason

“At first? Because I was afraid – of so many things. That you'd hate me for leaving like that. That you'd take one look at me – at how broken I was… I-I am – and turn your back on me, even though I deserve nothing less from you after-”

Frowning, she shakes her head. “Don't. Don't say things like that,” she rasps.

I break off and nod, swallowing hard.

“And later?” she asks.

“I didn't think I had the right anymore. Being alone... Dealing with the consequences of my choices,” I motion toward my scars. “It's my punishment for ever hurting you.”


Snap

Abruptly, she jerks away, her eyes blazing with fury as she suddenly brings her hand back and slaps me hard across the cheek she'd been holding moments before.

“How dare you,” she seethes.

I gape, wide-eyed and shocked. In all the years I've known Bella, I've never seen her in such a rage.

She gets to her feet, towering over me with one hand on her hip, the other wagging a finger in my face as she tells me exactly how she feels. She holds nothing back as she relays the past three years with tears streaming down her face.


Assault

My stomach churns as I hear how depressed she was after I left. How terrified she was when she learned that I'd been critically injured in the bombing. How heartbroken she felt again when I refused to see or talk to her afterward.

How she never stopped trying. Never stopped loving me.

“So don't you dare, Jasper Hale, tell me that you deserve to be alone, that you're not worthy of my love. That's for me to decide, not you, you pigheaded fool!”

She straightens up, breathing heavily as she glares down at me with both hands on her hips.


Stun

I stare up at her, trying to process everything she's said.

She still loves me?

“Bella, I'm sorry, I-”

“Don't. Just don't, Jasper. I don't want to hear how sorry you are. Don't you get it?”

She glares at me, but there's something under the surface, too.

“Alright...” I mumble, laboriously getting to my feet, ignoring the pain shooting through my leg – for once, a much easier thing to do than normal.

Slowly, I reach for her, pulling her closer until my face is an inch from hers. Our eyes locked, I take a deep breath and kiss her chastely.


Explosive

Bella's brown eyes widen and then flare with anger and something else as she gasps. She rears back, hitting me hard across the face – again.

“Ow! Jesus! What the fuck, B-” I start, rubbing my cheek.

She pulls me roughly back again, fisting both hands into my hair as she kisses me with heated passion, her body pressing against mine.

Incredulous, I wrap my arms around her, kissing her back with everything I have.

Breathless, Bella pulls back. “Jasper, don't you dare put me through anything like this ever again. Ever.”

“Does this mean you forgive me?” I ask stupidly.


Attempt

Bella tilts her head back and laughs. “Yes, you oaf, I forgive you. Just this once, mind, but so help me God if you ever do something as stupid as that again, I'll... I'll...”

She pauses for a moment, trying to come up with a suitable punishment. She grins. “I'll set you up with Jane. Lord knows, you'd deserve the likes of her at that point.”

I shudder. “God, no. Anything but that. I'll be good, I swear.”

“You'd better.” She narrows her eyes at me. “This won't be easy, Jasper. There's a lot we still have to talk about.”


Promise

Sighing heavily, I nod, running my fingers through her hair.

God, I've been a fool. I've missed her so much.

“I know, Bells. For what it's worth, I truly am sorry for hurting you. I promise, I'll do whatever it takes to make it up to you. I’ll never hurt you again.”

Bella rolls her eyes, grinning. “You'll try not to, I'm sure, but you will. Just like I'm certain to hurt you sometimes, too. The key is that we keep communicating through it and work at our relationship. Okay?”

“Okay.”

This time, our kiss holds promise of a future.