Be careful what you wish for,
'Cause you just might get it all.
You just might get it all,
And then some you don't want.
Be careful what you wish for,
'Cause you just might get it all.
You just might get it all, yeah.
"Home" by Daughtry
I stared up at the ceiling. Comfortable as I was, with the sheets pulled up to just above my waist and my right arm behind my head, I couldn't fall asleep. My left hand idly played with the head of blond hair that was lying on my chest, and I couldn't help but smile at the serenity that the sleeping form exuded against me. My gaze shifted back to the ceiling, though I didn't actually see it as my mind wandered.
I was nervous. Bella would be flying in tomorrow. My daughter would be coming to live with me, and I hadn't seen her for more than two weeks a year for the last three years. The call asking if she could please come and live with me had come out of the blue. Apparently, Renee had remarried, and Bella wanted to give her mother and stepfather some time alone. I was happy for Renee that she had finally found someone to give her heart to again.
After our divorce, she'd never trusted another man enough to give herself to him fully. Not that I could blame her for that. It was mostly my fault she had become gun-shy about men in general - a fact I had felt guilty for every day for the past too many years.
When we first met, we were both seventeen. Renee had been all passion and life, so full of enthusiasm and so very sure of herself and of her love for me. I had never been a man of passion, though I'd longed for it. At the time, I had thought that being with Renee would be the closest I could ever get to it, getting it from her and living vicariously through her in a way. She had been determined in her pursuit of me - something I had never been able to understand, but was happy enough to accept. Eventually, I had even thought I had loved her, albeit without the fire she seemed to posses. I thought it would be enough.
Things went well enough for a while. We did everything other couples seemed to do; we kissed, went on dates. We'd even made love a few times, if you could call it that. It was never something I initiated; it was always Renee. And I had always thought it was...normal that she should start things, since she was the one with fire in her soul.
And then she got pregnant.
It was an accident. A two-in-one-hundred chance of the condom failing, and it just had to be us that made up that two percent. Not that I didn't love Bella. I did. She had me wrapped around her little finger from the moment she was born. The moment I'd held her in my arms was the moment I had first felt the stirrings of intense love. She had been the most beautiful thing I had ever laid eyes on, and that was despite her being covered in white goo and blood. I didn't ever want to let her go.
Bella had been three months old when things changed for me. For us as a family. I'd gotten a job at the hospital as a receptionist, working full-time as I put myself through school and attempted to support my family. I wanted to become an officer of the law, but had made a promise to my parents that I would go to college first. They didn't like the idea of me becoming a policeman, and neither did Renee - they were all worried that I wouldn't make it home one night. I'd conceded, not wanting to upset anyone, but I still dreamed.
It had been during my time at the hospital that my world spun on its axis and Carlisle walked into my life. I could remember that moment clear as day.
The phones had been busy all night, and the other receptionist and I had barely gotten a break. During one of the few lulls in between calls, I'd offered to get us both some coffee from the cafeteria. Gianna had been grateful, so I walked to the elevators to go up to the cafeteria. The layout of the hospital had never made sense to me, and I couldn't fathom what had possessed them to put the cafeteria on the second floor, but they had.
I stood waiting for the elevator to arrive when I saw him. This six-foot-something, lean, blond man walked through the hall, his eyes fixed on the clipboard in his hands, his brow furrowed as he muttered to himself, his supple lips moving almost imperceptibly - almost, but they were what my eyes had fixed on. The closer he got, the more the air seemed to charge, and I blinked as I realized that my breathing had become uneven and my hands had turned into fists to keep from reaching out to him. I was stunned by the realization that he was evoking a storm in me I never would have thought myself capable of.
He was so focused on what he was reading, and I was so lost in my thoughts, my eyes still focused on his mouth, that he walked right into me. The forward momentum of him pushed me back, and we would have landed against the elevator doors had they not opened, effectively allowing him to - albeit unintentionally - push me inside.
My hands reflexively grasped his elbows in an attempt to steady us both, whereas Carlisle's hands latched onto my upper arms - somehow still clutching the clipboard with one hand. It felt as if I had received a shock to my system. The doors to the elevator closed behind us; the small space was mercifully empty.
The momentum had carried me to the wall, and Carlisle was now pressed against me, his face flushed with embarrassment. I stood, frozen and afraid to move because any movement on either part would alert him to the hard-on that was straining against my jeans. I couldn't recall ever having had such a response, to anyone. Not even Renee.
He stuttered softly, his British accent washing over me like a balm, "I...I'm sorry...I didn't see you...Are you alright?"
All I was capable of doing was nodding, and with that, he slowly pushed himself away, muttering apologies as he ran his hand through his hair. His eyes kept darting to mine and away again, the blush on his face deepening further. My instinct to comfort him took me by surprise and left me gaping at him for a moment before I could pull myself together enough to finally say something.
"Yeah, I'm fine...don't worry about it."
I was surprised by the tenderness in my voice. What the hell is going on with me? His eyes darted over my body before leveling to mine again, his hand again running through his hair as he sighed softly, smiling tentatively at me. He moved the clipboard to his left hand, reaching his right out to me. "I'm Carlisle, Carlisle Cullen. I just started here this week."
Taking his hand in mine, I shook it. "Name's Charlie Swan."
My eyes had been glued to his, and we held on to one another's hands for longer than decorum would have dictated. He'd shaken his head as he finally let go, and we began talking. He mentioned something about being part of an exchange program and that he missed his hometown of Richmond, which he explained was just on the outskirts of London. The initial shock lessened somewhat as we continued to talk, though it had taken awhile before either of us realized that we were still in the elevator, and we hadn't changed floors, and miraculously no other people had called the elevator or entered it.
He'd joined me in the cafeteria and followed me back to my station as we kept up a surprisingly easy conversation. I normally was not a man of many words, but he seemed to draw them out of me.
After that night, we talked regularly, somehow always managing to take our breaks at the same time. Every time I was close to him, my body would respond to him - my breathing would grow shallow, my heart rate would pick up and with every interaction I was left aching for... something more.
About three weeks after our first run-in I finally admitted to myself that I was attracted to Carlisle. I couldn't deny that any longer. Renee had withdrawn since Bella's birth, and we certainly hadn't been intimate. I'd never once fantasized about being with her. I'd never fantasized about anyone, really. Before Renee, I had never given much thought to anything physical before.
But Carlisle... It had gotten to the point where just someone mentioning his name in passing would have me hard. I didn't understand it, but I didn't fight it, either. I was by no means sure whether it was just me, or whether he possibly felt the same towards me. It had never come up, and I wasn't able to tell by his behavior. It sure as hell wasn't something I was willing to bring up in a conversation, either. I may not have been fighting what was happening to me, but I wasn't about to risk my neck.
We were becoming friends, though we had yet to do anything outside of work. It wasn't that I didn't want to hang out with him, I just didn't have the guts to ask him, and he never brought it up.
Then one day, I was taking advantage of time off from both school and the hospital, so I had been working around the house. My best friend Harry was helping me cut down some trees that were threatening to get blown over with the next storm. To this day, I have no idea exactly what happened. One moment, I was on the ladder cutting down a branch, with Harry holding the ladder in place. The next, I was lying on the ground, bleeding from a cut that ran from my side down to my thigh. Harry took me to the hospital, and as my luck would have it, it was Carlisle who ended up tending to my wounds.
Harry was told to stay in the waiting room, mostly because he didn't do well around blood, and it had been a small miracle he'd gotten me there without passing out himself. I was grateful, because I didn't need to have him witness what happened. Carlisle asked what had happened, all the while working to remove the shorts that were now soaked with my blood and tattered anyway. The cut turned out to be just a flesh wound, somehow having missed any major arteries and only requiring him to clean the wound and put stitches in it.
His hands were cool, and every time his skin touched mine, it sent a jolt through me. As always seemed to be the case when I was around him, my body responded, though this time there was no way for me to hide it from him. I was watching him intently as he worked, both praying that he wouldn't realize that it was his touch - however innocent since he was stitching up the gash on my side and leg - that was making me hard...and that he would notice.
When my cock twitched as his hands moved closer to my groin, his eyes flickered from what he was doing to my hard-on and up to my face before he blushed slightly and went back to what he was doing. I had no idea how to take his reaction, so I remained quiet and just watched him work.
After he patched me up, he handed me the scrubs a nurse had brought in and gave instructions for care and cleaning of the wound. His eyes were steadfastly fixated on anything but my eyes or anywhere below my chest and his blush had stayed in place through it all. He stood a little away from me, leaning against the wall with one hand jammed into the pocked of his pants, his white coat scrunched up and pushed slightly to the side.
As soon as I realized that my eyes had roamed down to his crotch, I blushed and looked up again, praying he hadn't noticed. He hadn't, as he was still determinedly looking somewhere between my eyes and chest. I chanced one more glance as I wondered why he was standing that way, finding it odd behavior for him as I'd never seen him do that before. It took me a moment to realize that his hand wasn't the only thing straining the fabric of his pants. That alone made me flustered, and I ran my fingers roughly through my hair as I tried to focus on what he was saying.
I was both mortified and excited by the realization that his body had reacted to mine, just as mine had done to his. Yes, I was attracted to the man, but nothing could come of it. Not as long as I was with Renee; I would not cheat. And wanting Carlisle already felt too much like cheating.
I went home, determined that I could no longer continue life like this. I had to tell Renee. She deserved the truth, and the truth was that though I loved her in a sense, it wasn't the same kind of love as she had for me. It wasn't the right kind of love to build a marriage on - it guaranteed that our marriage would be based on a lie.
I arranged for her parents to take Bella for the night, so that we would be free to talk. I knew this would be coming out of left field for Renee, and I didn't feel she needed the added worry of tending to our baby. This would be hard enough on her as it was.
That night, I told Renee everything - well, almost everything. There was no need to bring up Carlisle. Nothing had happened, aside from it sparking my self-discovery, nor would it, so I left the cause for this revelation vague. She didn't press the matter; she didn't want to know. I had been right in thinking the news would be hard on her.
She was devastated, and it broke my heart to watch her faith in herself crumble before my eyes. She doubted everything that had ever happened between us. I tried to explain myself as best I could, but even I knew I was lacking the words. There simply weren't any right words to say how screwed up things were or why they were the way they were. If they existed, I did not know them, and I doubted she would have been able to hear them anyway.
She said she needed time to think, so I told her I would move back in with my parents so she could stay in the house with Bella. I didn't want either of them to have to move because of me. This was difficult enough. That same night, I was packed and gone, leaving behind a mess I wasn't sure I'd ever be able to fix, and I hated myself for being the cause of it.
Two weeks after our talk, Renee called me to let me know she was filing for divorce. She asked if I would come over so we could discuss what would happen with Bella. When I got to the house, I could see boxes everywhere. She told me she had been offered a job as a teacher in Phoenix and that she was taking Bella with her. We talked for a couple of hours, both of us managing to keep our heads and agree on what we thought was best for Bella, even though the thought of having her move so far away tore at my heart.
We came to an amicable agreement, and since I wasn't contesting the divorce and was paying all the costs, everything was taken care of in a few short months. I decided to stay with my parents. During the time of the divorce proceedings, my father had fallen ill, so I stayed to help my mother take care of him. They were heartbroken that their only granddaughter had been taken so far away from them, but I couldn't bring myself to tell them the real reason behind Renee's leaving.
Before she left, I had begged Renee to not tell Bella what had happened. She had agreed, saying that it was my story to tell, not hers. It was up to me to explain the truth, as having it come from her would come with the tainted emotions she was left with, and that wasn't something she was willing to impart on our little girl.
Though I was helping my parents while my father was ill, I continued taking classes and working full time at the hospital. Despite the fact that I had fewer bills now, I still had expenses and responsibilities I neither could - nor would - ignore.
Things between Carlisle and me had been awkward the first few times after that fateful day in the ER. We didn't deviate from our established routine, though, and it took a week or so before things were back to normal... as much as things had ever been normal between us, all things considered. After about a month, just after Renee and Bella had left Forks, Carlisle asked if I wanted to have dinner at his place and, after some consideration, I accepted the invitation.
I didn't think anything would come of it, not after everything that had happened in the last few months. There was no way I was ready to do anything about, well... anything right then. That said, I was still nervous as hell when I showed up on his doorstep with a twelve pack of Vitamin R. I was relieved to find that Carlisle had opted for blue jeans and a white t-shirt, much like I had, though I was wearing an open plaid flannel button down instead of a jacket.
He smiled at me, inviting me inside and taking me out to the back of the house where he had the grill going. Surprisingly, we fell right into our groove, just like we did at work, and the thought of that made me smile, though it also saddened me. I knew he would be leaving for England again in a few short months, yet another reason I was certain nothing would ever happen between us. I'd long since resigned myself to being open to figuring out this revelation I'd had, but I was unwilling to just fool around to do so.
The conversation was mostly along the lines of the way we spoke at work: innocent enough, and it lasted us through a dinner of steaks and grilled vegetables. Both of us had had a few beers already, and I felt relaxed, at ease. We cleared away the rest of the food and worked easily together as we did the dishes before going back out to the patio to continue talking.
We sat, both our chairs facing the woods that bordered the property Carlisle rented while he was living in Forks, each of us lost in thought for a while and nursing our beers. I figured there had to be a good reason for him to ask me here tonight, but I was hesitant to bring it up, so I waited for him. After a few minutes, he placed his beer back on the table and sat forward, leaning his forearms on his knees and looking at his hands as he spoke.
"I'm sorry for what happened with Renee, Charlie. I know how hard it is for you not to be able to watch Bella grow up."
I nodded as I muttered, "Thanks."
Running my fingers through my hair, I sighed. That was probably the one thing that bothered me the most with everything that had gone on. Bella. He glanced up at me, his brow furrowed slightly as he seemed to think something over. He looked back at his hands, fidgeting as he cleared his throat. I expected him to speak, but he remained silent for a few minutes. Finally, he sat up, scrubbing his face before taking a deep breath, his voice so low I had to strain to hear it.
"Charlie...did...did what happened with Renee have anything to do with that day you were brought into the ER?"
He glanced sideways at me, as if unable to face me. Worry was etched on his face and, for a moment, I had to fight the urge to go to him. I cleared my throat as I leaned forward, mimicking his earlier posture as I stared at the can of beer that I held between my hands. When I didn't say anything, he sighed again.
"I couldn't help but notice the timing of it all. I'm sorry, Charlie; I shouldn't have asked..."
I shook my head slightly, muttering, "'s Okay. And yeah, I suppose in a way..."
We sat in silence again for a while. It wasn't exactly uncomfortable, but I felt I owed it to him - and to myself - to tell him the truth. After that day in the ER, I was fairly certain that no matter what I told him about it, it wouldn't make things awkward between us. He had continued to be a good friend; in spite of that, though, I couldn't quite bring myself to look at him as I spoke.
"It wasn't fair to Renee, to keep going as we were. Not when I was...am...attracted...to you."
I glanced at him, needing to see if I had been wrong in my assessment of him and had just completely blown our friendship. I could feel my cheeks warm as I blushed slightly and hurriedly shifted my gaze back to my beer as I realized Carlisle was watching me intently.
"Nothing happened, and I know it's not going to, not with you moving back to England. And I'm okay with that, with just being your friend at least."
Silence again as I looked out to the forest, trying to swallow back the lump of nerves that was forming in my throat. I'd put it out there, and there was no going back. When he finally broke the silence, his voice was calm, but just above a whisper.
"I'm attracted to you, too, Charlie. I have been for a long time, but you were married, and there was Bella. I never thought...never would have..."
He sighed and was running his fingers through his hair as I looked up at him. Our eyes locked, both of us unable to look away now that we knew how the other felt. I nodded once, letting him know without words that I appreciated he wouldn't have done anything to purposely upset my marriage. After a few minutes, he finally broke eye contact and stared into the forest. His voice quiet once more, almost as if he were afraid that to speak at all would break whatever was happening tonight.
"Have you ever..." he swallowed, and tried again. "Have you ever been attracted to other men?"
I gave a quiet snort as I shook my head.
"No, never. Hell... Before you came along, I'd never felt attracted to any one, at least not in the same way as I do you. Man or woman. Not even Renee."
Part of me felt horrible for admitting that, and I felt a pang of guilt as I realized how wrong it had been of me to ever have started a relationship with her given the lack of connection and attraction on my end, though at the time, I simply had not known any better.
Carlisle nodded, but remained quiet. I glanced at him. "How about you?"
He gave me a soft smile as he answered. "I'm gay, Charlie, and it's something I've known for a few years now. And yes, I have been attracted to other men before. Never felt as strong a connection with anyone before, though. Never had the ease of being with anyone like I do with you."
I could feel a smile tugging at my lips as I nodded. Even if nothing would come of it - and I was certain it wouldn't - it felt good to at least know that he felt the same. I took a long pull of my beer as the silence stretched out.
"Charlie?"
I turned to look at him, raising my brow in invitation for him to continue. He blushed a little, his eyes on mine as he ran his fingers through his hair again. A nervous habit, I realized.
"May I kiss you? I know it's unfair and incredibly selfish of me, but... the thought of another man being the first to kiss you..."
He looked flustered as his blush deepened, his brow furrowing.
"Never mind. I...I haven't the right; I'm sorry. Forget I said anything."
He got up quickly, grabbing his beer as he walked back into the house without waiting for any response from me, not that I was capable of saying anything; I was too stunned by his question. Stunned...and more than a little intrigued. Images of Carlisle and me kissing played through my head. I wondered how he'd taste, how his lips would feel against mine. Now that he had put it out there - something I had fantasized about but never imagined actually happening - I couldn't shake it. Not that I wanted to.
Draining the last of the Vitamin R, I got up and followed him into the house. I found Carlisle in the kitchen, leaning against the fridge with his forehead resting against the freezer door. He made no move to acknowledge me as I stepped next to him. I felt a moment's hesitation, wondering if he had changed his mind about wanting to kiss.
I raised my hand, hovering by his neck for a moment before taking a deep breath and resting it on the nape of his neck. He slowly raised his head to look at me, several emotions playing through his eyes as he searched for something in mine.
"Charlie..."
My eyes flickered from his eyes to his lips and back. I leaned in as I gently pulled him closer, whispering against his lips, "Shh," and closed the distance between us. As soon as our lips touched, I heard Carlisle utter a brief but needy groan as he turned around to face me fully, his hands going to either side of my face as our lips moved. I closed my eyes so I could focus on this wondrous new sensation of his lips on mine. Being this close to him, feeling him, smelling him, it all seemed surreal but oh so wonderful, so unlike what things had felt like with Renee. This kiss spread through me with a slow burn, and I welcomed it. I'd longed to feel like this, to have this.
Our kiss started out chaste enough, our lips remaining closed, but after a while, he slowly began to open his mouth. The small noises he was making drove me on, letting me know he wanted and enjoyed this as much as I did. My free hand found its way to the small of his back, and somewhere in the back of my mind the thought "my truth" kept running on repeat.
Carlisle's hands slid from my cheeks down to my neck, and I was sure he could feel my pulse beating like crazy under his palms. He tilted his head a little, deepening the kiss, and I was startled when I felt the tip of his tongue dart out and trace my lips, actually making me whimper softly. I didn't think I'd ever whimpered in my life. When he slipped his tongue into my mouth, my knees almost buckled, my hands reflexively tightening their grip on him.
The feel of his tongue against mine as he explored my mouth was too much. Twisting our bodies slightly, I pushed Carlisle against the fridge, pressing hard against him as I returned his kiss with something nearing desperation. Both my hands settled at his sides, just above the waistband of his jeans, and I clutched at the fabric of his shirt. I wasn't even fully comprehending what I was doing anymore, all my senses feeling as if they were on overload, especially when I moved to get closer to him still and in the process rubbed against his hard-on with mine.
With an almost pained groan, Carlisle put his hands over mine, gently prying them loose from his shirt as he pulled away. We were both breathing heavily as he pushed me away slightly to get some distance between us. The pang of rejection I felt must have shown on my face because the next thing I knew, his lips were on mine again, though he kept things chaste, whispering assurances to me between each kiss as he placed his palm on my cheek.
He rested his forehead against mine and sighed deeply, his voice a hoarse whisper as he spoke. "Ah, Charlie...We have to stop, love. This isn't fair to you..."
I closed my eyes, trying to calm myself down, though everything in me wanted to keep feeling the fire he was igniting in me: the passion I had so longed for, and it was his touch that had sparked it. I wanted to shout it off the rooftops; I wanted to laugh; I wanted to cry. Because I had finally found it, and it would be leaving me all too soon.
I felt my eyebrows knit together as I tried to find my voice again. I barely recognized my own voice when I finally was able to speak.
"Do you really have to leave, Carlisle?"
"'fraid so, Charlie. I don't have a choice, love."
'Love'. I knew it was a term of endearment he used frequently. He'd explained once that 'it was a British thing'. Still, he'd never said it to me, and hearing him say it now made me pause, wondering if that one word held a deeper meaning here. I thought I heard the same disappointment in his voice as what I felt. I didn't want him to leave. Ever. I wanted the chance to explore this. Us. He wrapped his arms around my waist, pulling me back to him, and I did the same. I rested my head on his shoulder, turning and effectively nuzzling his neck. I'd never done this with Renee, but it felt right. Intimate.
From that first kiss in April all through the summer, Carlisle and I spent as much time together as our schedules would allow, which wasn't nearly as much as I would have liked. We had agreed that we wouldn't pursue anything and just remain friends. Every now and then, though, one or the other of us couldn't resist, and we'd end up making out. We never did more than kiss, though our hands would roam on occasion, but we didn't let it go any further than that. Part of me was grateful for that, and part of me wasn't. I still wanted more, to find out what it would feel like to make love with someone who could set my very soul on fire with just a touch.
Dad was getting steadily worse, finally passing away in October, just two short months before Carlisle was supposed to leave. Carlisle was there to help me through it, lending me his strength when I needed it most. The way he was there for me, knowing just when to be quiet or when to speak and what to say, made me realize that he would make an outstanding doctor. I already knew he was smart, much more so than the average Joe. He was the youngest person to be allowed in the program he was here on, and - according to him - the youngest person in his class since he had skipped several grades and was one some fast track through college.
As smart as he was, though, he never let it show in a way that made you think he was above it all. He was passionate when he allowed himself to be, and he could argue as heatedly about sports as he could the latest scientific discoveries in his field. Often he would use that to try and pull me back when I threatened to feel too down about what had happened or about what loomed ahead.
I loved him for it.
For the first time in my life, I felt I knew what it was like to be in love, but I couldn't tell him. He would leave, and though we'd both admitted to a mutual attraction, we had agreed to just try and remain friends. Telling him I loved him would cross a boundary I didn't feel I should cross. Being left behind was going to hurt enough without adding those kinds of feelings into the mix, too.
For all that Carlisle tried to make it seem like he was okay with everything, I could tell it bothered him, too. The closer to the date it got, the quieter he'd get and the more we seemed to make out. A few nights we had even ended up in bed, though nothing happened beyond the kissing. But falling asleep with his arms around me was a gift I would not have traded for anything in the world.
The night before his flight was leaving, I was spending the night with him as I had volunteered to drive him up to Seattle. I wanted to have those last few moments with him.
We were lying in bed, having stripped down to our boxer shorts, both of us needing the contact. I relished being in his arms, lying flush against each other with our arms wrapped tightly around the other. We would alternately talk and kiss, making promises to stay in touch. I wasn't sure whether he would follow through with it, though I hoped he would. I feared that he would forget about me once he was back home. Trying to push those thoughts away, I ducked my head, nuzzling his neck.
As if sensing what I was thinking about, he coaxed my head back up and kissed me with such tenderness all thought left me. He gently pushed me on my back, hovering over me as his hands trailed down my side, briefly teasing my nipple on his way down. I moaned into the kiss, my skin heating up from his touch. I felt his fingers slip under the waistband of my boxers, and it took me a few seconds to realize he was trying to push them past my hips.
I pulled away from his lips, my eyes wide as I looked at him, my voice breathless as I spoke, "Carlisle, what..?"
He leaned in, making a soft shushing noise before kissing me again. His fingers kept working my boxers down, my hips lifting automatically, and they were off before I was even aware of it. This was the first time I'd been completely naked around him, and a small part of me was saying I should be embarrassed by it, but I couldn't find it in me to feel any awkwardness as his fingers trailed along my thighs in ever decreasing circles, brushing against my hard-on.
He placed open-mouthed kisses from my mouth down my jaw to my ear. With his lips brushing against my earlobe, he whispered, "Just relax, love."
He nipped lightly at it, causing me to moan. I could feel the smile on his lips as he pressed them against my pulse point below my ear. From there, he slowly made his way down, lavishing affection on every inch of my skin, paying particular attention to my nipples and eventually my belly button, darting his tongue into it. My eyes were glued to him; I wouldn't have been able to look away from this beautiful man worshiping my body.
My breathing accelerated the lower he got. His fingers ghosted along my shaft, eliciting soft moans from me. He glanced up at me before he lowered his head, licking and kissing down my shaft before going back up and taking the head between his lips.
"Sweet Jesus..." was all I managed to croak out as he slowly took me further in his mouth, until I hit the back of his throat.
My eyes rolled back into my head as I muttered, "Oh, Christ..."
He hummed softly as he began to bob his head up and down, his tongue flat against my shaft one moment, twirling around it the next. When he got up to the head, he'd alternately tease the edge of it or the slit. I didn't even recognize the noises I was making as mine anymore, so gone was I in the sight and feel of him going down on me. I had never, ever felt anything like it.
When he hollowed out his cheeks and starting to suck in earnest, I grasped the sheets, my fingers clenching and unclenching rhythmically as he continued. I was fast approaching that brink, and I both wanted this to never end and to just get there already. This was the sweetest form of torture, and it was driving me mad.
His fingers - which had continued to caress the insides of my thighs - moved to cup my sack, rolling it gently between them. He lowered his head, taking me all the way down so his nose was down to my short 'n curlies and my head was hitting the back of his throat as he swallowed. As if that wasn't enough to do me in, he pressed his finger behind my sack, and I cried out, my back arching, pressing my shoulders into the mattress as I came harder than I had ever done in my life.
Carlisle took it all, not letting a drop be spilled as he licked me clean. My breathing was coming out in ragged gasps as I continued to watch him, my heart pounding in my chest. He shifted slightly and rested his forehead against my stomach, and I could feel his lips press against my overheated skin. I threaded my fingers in his hair, needing to somehow connect further with him as I slowly came down. The fact that he had swallowed filled me with awe. Renee had never done that; hell, she'd never done half the things that Carlisle had just done to me.
I scratched his scalp lightly before coaxing his head up and pulling him to me. I ached to tell him how I felt, especially after what he had just done, but I couldn't do it. Instead, I took his face in my hands, my eyes intent on his before I kissed him with all the fire he had ignited in me, devouring him. He moaned as my tongue entered his mouth, and I could taste myself in him. Rather than finding it repulsive, it fanned the flame in me further, and I began to push him onto his back.
I wanted to give to him the same gift he had given me, but though the idea of having him in my mouth was something I wanted, it also scared me. I had no idea what to do or how to do it, and I wanted to watch him become unglued without worrying whether I was doing things right. When I had him on his back, I began to trail my fingers up and down his side, slowly moving lower with every pass. When I grazed the waistband of his boxers, though, Carlisle grabbed my wrist and stopped me.
He pulled away, and I could see several emotions warring in his eyes; his voice was gravelly as he spoke, "Charlie, please don't. I'm sorry... I shouldn't have. I know you never meant to take things that far, and I did it anyway... You don't have to..."
Twisting my wrist so I could grab his instead, I pulled his arm over his head at the same time as I silenced him by kissing him. I shushed him, much like he had done me. "I want to, Carlisle."
With that, I let my hand glide down his arm, caressing his skin lightly as I made my way down his body. Remembering how I'd reacted when he had teased my nipple, I grazed lightly over his, watching him closely to see his response. He gave a soft moan at the contact, which deepened once I rolled his nipple between my fingers. I felt myself grin, knowing that I could make him sound like that, and I was looking forward to finding out what else would elicit those noises from him.
I trailed my fingers down his side until they hit his waistband. Lifting his hips, I quickly got rid of them, tossing them somewhere to the side of the bed. I ran my fingers up his leg before ghosting them over his length, exploring the texture with just my fingertips. I’d never paid attention to how it felt when I touched myself before, and I was surprised with how soft the skin there was. After tracing a circle around his head with my fingertip, I finally wrapped my hand around his shaft, smiling quietly when he inhaled sharply.
I glanced up to find his eyes closed, his bottom lip between his teeth as his hips rocked gently into my hand just once. When my thumb drifted over his head, spreading the pre-cum pooled in his slit, his eyes fluttered open, finding mine. I felt the faint heat on my cheeks as our eyes met, suddenly wondering if I was doing this right. I knew what I liked, but I wanted to do this for him.
As if he knew what I needed, Carlisle’s arm wrapped around my waist as his hand began to rub my lower back. His eyes were hooded, filled with desire, when he murmured, “Charlie…feels so damn good, love…”
He kissed away the shy smile on my lips, his tongue brushing mine as I began to stroke him. He moaned loudly, the sound giving me the confidence I needed to break our kiss. My thigh drifted across his as I moved a little further down the bed, my mouth finding the join of his neck and shoulder. I kissed his throat, sucking gently as I tried to find the words to tell him I wished I was brave enough to do what I really wanted to.
Instead, I threw myself into pleasuring him with my hand, stroking as I squeezed gently. Whenever his hips bucked or he gave a small moan, I mimicked whatever I’d just done so that he was soon thrusting his hips upward into my hand, completely lost in the feeling. I felt a sense of awe as I watched him, knowing that I was doing that.
The bite of his fingernails into my flesh made me smile, and I pushed myself up slightly, managing to support myself on my elbow as I awkwardly reached between his legs with my other hand as well. I had never felt a surge of pleasure like I’d felt when he pressed beneath my sack, and I wanted to see if it was the same for him. When my hands cupped his balls, I found myself mesmerized by the feeling of them as I rolled them in my fingers.
My eyes were focused on my hands, on watching the skin glide along his thick shaft as I stroked him. When I heard him whimper and begin to pant, I turned my face to look at him and found him watching me, his eyes wide though his brow was furrowed in concentration. I flashed him a quick smile before my eyes were drawn to his body again. I glanced down and saw his toes curled, turned slightly inward as he rocked with me.
Wanting to bring him over the edge he seemed to be clinging to, I let my fingers drift down, pressing beneath his balls as I increased the speed of my strokes. I twisted my wrist near his head, stroking him quickly.
“Fuck…” The curse fell from his lips in his soft British accent, and I gave a moan of my own as my lips attacked his neck. A small part of me was in shock when my hips started grinding against his thigh, my spent dick semi-hard as I sought friction in response to the arousal I felt at seeing him so near the brink.
My finger rubbed between his legs, pressing against that most sensitive place as he cried out, his hot release spilling over my arm and his chest as his hips bucked and his shoulders lifted us both from the bed. I smiled against his skin, placing kisses along his chest, his throat, his shoulder, his cheek – everywhere I could reach – while I stroked him slowly.
I raised my head to watch him, seeing his eyes closed tightly as he licked his lips and his hips writhed on the bed beneath my hand. Eventually he stilled, his eyes drifting open as they focused immediately on me.
Much like I had done, he took my face in both hands and pulled me close, his lips insistent as he kissed me passionately. He murmured words between kisses, nearly incoherent words that made me feel…precious. Loved.
I blinked my eyes quickly, trying to will away the tears that threatened to fall as I realized at once that this was the last night I had with him. I suddenly wasn’t sure how I was going to make it. In an effort to distract myself from thinking about it, I placed a tender kiss on his lips as I murmured, "I'll be right back."
I got up and walked to the bathroom, intending to grab a washcloth so I could clean him up. As I was waiting for the water to heat up, I looked up in the mirror and was shocked by the person I saw there. Before all of this - before Carlisle - the person who would look back at me was resigned, reserved. Now, I saw eyes looking back at me that were burning with an inner light that had never been there. My hands gripped the side of the counter as I hung my head, unable to continue looking at myself.
Carlisle's arms slipped around my waist as he rested his chin on my shoulder; I hadn't even heard him get up. I lifted my eyes and met his in the mirror. Neither of us spoke for a while. He was leaning against me, and the feel of him against me, being held by him in this tender embrace, was almost too much. He was the first to break eye contact by pressing his lips against my shoulder and neck.
I turned the tap off and straightened a little, leaning back into him as I placed my hands on his, my eyes still on him. For a brief moment, I allowed myself to think about how life could be if he stayed here, with me. The thought of being able to be with him whenever and however I wanted was enough to make me smile, even as my heart ached knowing it would never happen. Tomorrow he was leaving for England, and I would likely never see him again.
But we had tonight.
With effort, I pushed away any thoughts of saying goodbye and turned around in his arms. He looked at me with a sad smile as I leaned in to kiss him. I cupped his cheek, my thumb gently caressing his cheekbone as I sighed softly.
"Shower?"
The sad smile that was on his face turned into a mischievous one. "Just don't drop the soap, love, or I might not be able to help myself."
He winked, and I couldn't help but chuckle even as I rolled my eyes at him. He might have pushed my boundaries tonight, but I knew he would never really do anything I wasn't agreeable to, so I took it as the joke it was meant as and quirked a brow at him, grinning as I retorted, "Who says I'm the only one that should be careful with that, hmm?"
Carlisle's eyes widened briefly before they flashed with something I wasn't able to identify as he kissed me fiercely, his chest rumbling as he growled low against my lips, "I am trying to behave, love. Don't tempt me."
My hands went to his hips, needing to steady myself. A sound somewhere between a whimper and a moan escaped my lips at his words, suddenly anything but sure that I wanted him to behave. It had taken me nearly twenty years to find passion, and the prospect of possibly never finding it again - to never feel the way I did with Carlisle again...
I wanted to know what it was like to make love to someone, truly make love. To feel that kind of passion, to be connected on every level. I wanted that person to be him. He had taught me so much over these past months, I wanted him to show me this, too. I wanted him to be the first man to touch me in that way. For him to be my first everything.
I lowered my eyes, unsure how he would react, and my voice broke as I croaked out a soft, "Don't..."
He began to pull away, but I tightened my hold on his hips as I raised my eyes to his, my voice barely above a whisper.
"Don't behave."
Carlisle's eyes widened as he searched mine. My fingers were kneading his hips lightly, and I pulled him closer, our cocks brushing against each other as I whispered against his lips, "Don't behave... Please, Carlisle."
He rested his forehead against mine as he groaned softly. "Bloody hell, Charlie..."
I started kissing him, my lips growing more insistent as my hands began to roam over his back. It didn't take long for Carlisle to respond in kind, and we were both lost in the moment. He started to roll his hips into me, and the wanton moan that escaped my lips snapped me back to what was going on.
My voice was breathless as I spoke, "Please, Carlisle..."
He pulled away slightly and looked in my eyes again, running his tongue over his kiss-swollen lips. His voice was hoarse with desire. "Are you sure, Charlie?"
At my nod, he grabbed my hand and dragged me back to the bed, leaving me there as he went to his suitcase, rummaging through it. After a minute, I saw him straighten up and turn around, a shy grin on his face as he caught my eye. He walked up to me, placing the small bottle of lube and a condom on the bed before running his fingers through my hair.
"I wasn't expecting to need those..."
There was such tenderness in the gesture that it made me smile, despite the nerves that were trying to bubble to the surface. I grinned at him, pulling him against me.
"It's a damn good thing you Brits are always prepared."
Carlisle grinned, his eyes dancing as he spoke. "I think you're confusing us with your American Boy Scouts, love."
"Whatever," I murmured against his lips, taking his lower lip between mine.
He moaned softly, pushing me back onto the bed and hovering over me, his hard-on pressed against mine. He dipped his head, latching his lips over my nipple, teasing it with his tongue and biting lightly down on it. He rolled and pinched my other nipple, leaving me writhing under him; the friction that created was heavenly.
Though I was certainly enjoying the attention he was lavishing on my body, I knew what I wanted, so I threaded my fingers in his hair, scratching his scalp lightly with my blunt nails, moaning softly, "Please..."
Carlisle slowly pulled away and sat up on his heels, grabbing the condom and tearing open the small packet. When he began to put it on me, I sat up, grabbing his wrist as my eyes searched out his with a shake of my head. He raised a brow in question, and I had to swallow before I could speak.
"I want to feel you..." My voice lowered, and I could feel the heat rising on my cheeks. "I need to feel you... in me."
His eyes searched mine for a moment before he nodded, putting the condom aside and grabbing the lube instead. I settled back down on the bed with a shaky breath; as much as I wanted this - wanted him - I was nervous. He gave me a reassuring smile before he scooted down the bed a little, settling himself between my knees and leaning forward, his face hovering just above my cock.
He placed a small kiss on my shaft before his head ducked lower, and I felt his warm lips lavishing kisses on my inner thighs. His hands followed behind, kneading and rubbing as they moved upward. When I felt his thumbs brush at the juncture of my legs, I instinctively stiffened.
“Shh…” His hot breath drifted across my skin, helping relax me as his hands continued their steady movements. “This may be a little uncomfortable at first, love…” His words halted as his tongue moved to lick my balls before he sucked one into his mouth, teasing it gently before seamlessly speaking again. “…but just relax, and I promise I’ll make you feel so good…”
He kept up his murmured reassurances as he explored me with his lips, his tongue, his hands. My eyes were closed, my fingers tangled in his hair when I felt his slick finger rubbing teasingly around my entrance. He was kissing and licking along my length as he pressed against my perineum, and my hips were squirming, beginning to beg for some sort of release.
I inhaled sharply when he finally penetrated me, his index finger gliding smoothly. He brushed against my prostate, and I jerked at the new – and completely pleasurable - sensation. “Fuck…” I felt the burn as I stretched, and I wondered if I would be too tight – if it just wouldn’t work – but then he took my dick between his lips, swirling his tongue around the head, and all my worries were forgotten.
With him overwhelming my senses, I couldn’t concentrate. I was left with only vague impressions of what was happening – his fingers probing me as his teeth teased my skin, his tongue wrapping around my cock before he’d pull away, whispering sweet words, only to envelope me in his mouth once more.
I’d never known the meaning of the word “ecstasy” until Carlisle worshiped my body. Gradually, the sensations fell away, leaving me with only his fingers pumping slowly inside me as he moved to lie beside me. His lips found mine, our tongues brushing as we kissed passionately. I was breathless when I broke our kiss with a soft moan. “Carlisle…please…”
I felt a slight sting as his fingers pulled away, leaving me feeling empty and wanting. His other hand brushed my short hair from my forehead as he murmured, “Are you sure, love? Is this what you want?”
I started to ask him if I needed to fucking beg, but all I managed was a nod and another whispered, “Please.”
A smile ghosted across his lips as if he’d heard my unspoken question, and he kissed me once more before he turned his head, reaching over to pick up the condom again. He shifted until he was kneeling between my knees, and my eyes were completely focused on his stiff shaft as he absently stroked it a few times before he pinched the tip of the condom and rolled it smoothly on. I had never actually seen another man do that before, and the sight was strangely arousing. I felt a pang of disappointed longing as I realized that I wouldn’t see him that way again.
As I was trying to forget that he was leaving in the morning, he picked up the small bottle of lube and poured some into his hand, his eyes gazing into mine. Once more, he stroked himself, this time spreading the slick liquid over his shaft as he gave me a small, almost shy smile.
Forcing any dark thoughts away, I reached toward Carlisle, intent on simply enjoying this with him. He smiled as he leaned forward, pressing his body against mine as he supported himself on his elbows and kissed me. For the first time, his cock slipped down between my legs, and he rolled his hips against mine, teasing me with the sensation of him brushing past my balls and just barely touching my entrance.
“Are you ready, my love?” His accent was more pronounced, his words soft and lilting as my eyes widened.
My love, he had said…not just some casual term of endearment. Not just some 'British thing'.
I swallowed, blinking rapidly as I nodded. I didn’t trust my voice not to betray the many feelings I was trying to keep inside. It wasn’t fair to him to say all the things I wanted to say…not when I knew he had no choice about leaving.
He placed a chaste kiss on my lips before he reached between us, guiding himself as he gradually entered me. I couldn’t stop my hiss when I felt the ridge of his head stretching me.
“I know, love, I know…” He kissed me tenderly, holding still while I worked to relax. His hand caressed my shoulder, my neck, before he cupped my cheek. My hands had been gripping his shoulders, but I took a deep breath, moving them downward as I lifted my chin to kiss him.
He smiled against my lips before I felt his tongue lightly brush mine. With a moan, I sucked on it, deepening the kiss as my hands found his hips. I pulled him a little closer, urging him on, and he pressed further into me. Now that the initial shock had passed, all I felt was a dull burn that was quickly overshadowed by his lips on mine and the feeling of completeness when he was completely buried within me.
He withdrew nearly all the way before pressing forward again, and within a few passes, the discomfort had faded, leaving me with only pleasure. I quickly gave up on trying to comprehend all the things he was doing as I instead let the sensations roll over me. His skin was smooth beneath my palms, the muscles of his hips contracting and relaxing as he pumped into me. His hard length stroked my prostate, making my hips writhe and buck against him. His forearms forced my shoulders forward just slightly as his blunt fingernails dug into my flesh. His breath was hot and sweet as it washed over me, his forehead pressed against mine. Our grunts and moans blended together with whimpers punctuating our shared pleasure as we moved together.
My cock was aching, trapped between our stomachs slick with sweat. It was maddening – just enough friction to bring me to the edge, but not enough to push me over. His body was hard – bone and muscle and sinew – and I couldn’t get enough of the salty taste on his lips as we kissed.
When Carlisle straightened his arms, his fist pressing into the mattress to support his weight, I frowned at the sense of loss I felt. But then he reached over with his right hand, grabbing the bottle of lube and flipping it open. He paused for a moment, squeezing some into his palm before he capped it and tossed it to the side. Rubbing his fingers along his palm, he warmed it as best he could before his hand was wrapped around my needy cock.
“Christ…” I mumbled, my eyes closing as he stroked me. He began slowly, matching the rhythm of his thrusts, but as my breathing sped, so did his hand and his hips. Soon his hand was moving furiously, his fingers brushing my head as my thighs tightened, my jaw clenching. “Carlisle…I…I…”
“Please…” The word was a simple plea, and hearing it uttered in that gently accented voice strained with want pushed me over that precipice. Inarticulate sounds poured from my lips as I exploded in his hand. Heat coursed through my body, washing over my chest as his hips began thrusting harder and faster, spurred on by the euphoria he had brought me.
I felt his right hand press into the mattress as his left reached to caress my cheek. His voice was hoarse when he spoke, barely more than a whisper, “Charlie…look at me…”
My eyes opened immediately, and he smiled briefly. His eyes fluttered closed as an inaudible curse left his lips, but they opened again at once, and his gaze never left mine as he thrust into me twice more before he shuddered as he came.
As his hips began to slow, his lips were suddenly all over my cheeks, kissing me tenderly before I pressed my lips to his. No words were exchanged, but I knew. And I knew he did, too.
For the first time in my life, I knew what it meant to make love.
He kissed me again before he slowly pulled out of me and went to the bathroom to dispose of the condom. The sense of loss I felt shook me to my core, and I had to work hard to stay calm. It wasn't just the loss of the feel of him in me; it was the loss of what was to come. I had to close my eyes as I tried to push the thoughts away. I wouldn't think of that, not now.
I heard the water running and, a moment later, Carlisle's footsteps as he padded back to the bed. The feel of the warm cloth on my skin startled me at first. A soft smile tugged at my lips as I realized that he was taking care of me yet again. I kept my eyes closed, allowing myself to just enjoy the moment. Soon I heard him walk away again before immediately returning and crawling back into bed with me.
I rolled over so I was snuggled against his side, resting my head on his shoulder as his arms wrapped around me. I put my arm around his waist and my leg over his, needing to be as close as I could possibly get. I felt his lips press against my hair as he whispered softly, "Sleep now, love."
I didn't want to sleep but was quickly out anyway, my body spent from our lovemaking.
Much too soon, the alarm went off. I was surprised to find that neither of us really had moved much during the night; I was still curled up against him and in his arms. I couldn't remember ever waking up and feeling as content as I did then.
That is, until the realization hit me that this was the first - and last - time we would be like this.
Carlisle moved slightly, turning the alarm off before wrapping me in his arms again, a sad smile on his lips as our eyes met. "Morning, love."
I tightened my arm around him, grunting softly in response, not sure I could trust myself not to say what I wanted to.
I wanted to tell him I loved him.
I wanted to show him, to make love to him like he had done the night before to me, but I didn't know how to ask him. Instead, I raised my head and kissed him, and we lay like that for a while. Just kissing, enjoying being in the other's arms. When the alarm went off a second time, we both gave an annoyed grumble, neither of us ready to let go but knowing we had to.
We didn't speak as we showered, each taking turns washing the other, exchanging tender touches but nothing more. We dressed in silence, and the sound of Carlisle zipping his suitcase closed ripped through me.
He was really leaving.
We put his luggage in my car and headed to Seattle. I had a hard time focusing on the road, and I felt my jaw clench as I tried to hold back the words that were dying to spill from my lips. Neither of us spoke much, though, both of us lost in our own thoughts. I felt his eyes on me about twenty minutes into the drive, and when I turned to glance at him, he simply nodded, as if he knew what I wanted to say but couldn't.
As if he wanted to say the words, too.
I sighed, shifting my eyes back to the road with a small nod of my own. After a moment, his hand was over mine as he carefully coaxed it away from the steering wheel. He laced his fingers through mine, giving my hand a squeeze before resting our joined hands on the console between us. We spent the rest of the journey like that, holding hands, only breaking away when I needed both hands to maneuver the car, but always ending back again.
We had made good time and got to the airport with an hour to spare before he absolutely had to leave, so we checked his luggage and found a place to sit and have some coffee. We sat in silence again, just watching the other, trying to commit to memory every line, every curve, every moment we had had together. At least, I was, and I could only assume he was doing the same. I chuckled softly as I realized that this was the longest stretch of time we'd gone without talking.
He grinned, his voice low as he spoke, "Yeah, not like us to be this quiet; is it, love?"
I shook my head, not entirely surprised that he'd been thinking the same thing I had. He reached his hand across the table to cover mine as he gave a quiet sigh. I glanced at the clock behind him and frowned; it was time.
We got up, threw our empty cups away, and walked hand in hand to security, where I would have to say goodbye to him. We stood a little to the side to allow other people past. He pulled me in, hugging me tightly as he whispered in my ear, "Take care of yourself, Charlie."
I wrapped my arms tightly around his waist and nodded, unable to speak past the lump in my throat. People were looking at us as they walked by, but I didn't care. My whole being was focused on the man in my arms. He placed both hands on either side of my face and kissed me with abandon, as if he would swallow me whole and take me with him. I was helpless against it as I responded in kind, struggling to stay on my feet.
His breathing was ragged when he finally pulled away at the sound of his flight being called for the first time. His eyes bore into mine, his hands still holding my head as he whispered, "I'm going to miss you."
I covered his hands with mine, caressing the backs of them with my thumbs. My voice wavered from the tears that were threatening. "I'll miss you, too. More than you know."
He kissed me again, briefly this time before pulling away with a sigh. I smiled sadly at him, caressing his cheek with the backs of my fingers. "Call me, so I know you arrived safely?"
He nodded, "Of course, love."
With that, he took a deep breath, squared his shoulders and, with one last brush against my lips, he turned and headed to security. I whispered, "I love you," needing to say it out loud, at least once. I was sure he wouldn't have heard me, especially when he kept on walking, and I watched as the man I loved walked out of my life, never to return.
A quiet moan startled me out of my thoughts, and I glanced down at the man in my arms. Still fast asleep, but obviously dreaming. I watched as several emotions played on his features, first sadness, giving way to an almost beatific smile. I shifted slightly, kissing the top of his blond head, and wrapped my arm around his waist as I finally allowed sleep to take me.
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